Recently I've experienced a shift or a change in the way I feel. For the first 4 months, I lived in a state of adrenaline. It was this hormonal imbalance that was driving me, giving me energy, helping to focus, to rebuild a life, to stabilize my children. It was probably also these hormones that held me hostage to constant intense highs and lows. I lost my appetite and struggled with sleep. Insomnia was like torture. I was so desperate to sleep.
Then I did, I started sleeping. I am sleeping. But I feel worse. I feel like I'm carrying bricks. I feel so weak and heavy at the same time. The councilor told me I'm coming off the adrenaline and living off normal energy and I have nothing left on reserve. So...I'm rebuilding. Taekwondo has been instrumental in this change. This intensive workout is helping me eat and sleep. At first I don't think I was eating well enough to support the workout, so I really tried to focus on eating better. But it's hard.
I've been in a bit of a state of confusion. I have difficulty concentrating and I'm very easily distracted. As embarrassing as it has been at times; I'm grateful that Danny has such a sharp mind and keeps me posted. " Isn't it supper time, I think my bus will be here soon, it's hotdog day." I forgot two appointments last week, forgot a social engagement and cancelled on plans many times. It's very unnerving to be so absent minded. Every time I leave the house I feel like I've forgotten something. Most times I had. On top of this weakness and confusion I have felt edgy. Sometimes my heart would race. I responded to this state by retreating.
I talked to my brother about how I was feeling. I told him I didn't understand why I was feeling weaker and so edgy at the same time. I felt like I was regressing. He told me of course you feel this way, you are rattled, your husband died.
I'm realizing that although I have intellectualized many thoughts and feelings, my body and emotions are still processing and recovering. As comforting as it might seem to just put all my faith in God, it's just not that simple.
My understanding in how the world works has been totally destroyed. My ability to trust that life is going to follow a certain course has lost all credibility. So...the truth...right now I don't trust that I'm going to survive, that I'm being taken care, that another tragedy isn't going to happen. I convince myself rationally that what happened was rare, that God will take care of me and that things can only go up from here. But my body and my emotions don't believe it. I've been rattled. I've lost my footing, I've lost my stable ground. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know where the surface is.
But there are truths I continue to hold onto. I have survived this far. I am surviving. I always eventually find comfort. I have good days. I have joy. I have support.
I was feeling like I was at the mercy of my own state and what the world continues to throw at me. But yesterday I made a choice. I decided to control as much as I can and accept that I might not be able to control it all. I made a menu for what to cook and put it on the fridge so I hopefully can remember to prepare for supper so that I'm eating more than kd and pizza. I wrote down anything I have to do next week. I put in on the fridge. Coincidentally, today I`m feeling much better. I have some energy. I`m still feeling a bit numb but I`m concentrating better.
In the midst of this fog I`ve been tempted to stay distracted, to be numb, to sleep. But I`ve learned it is a dangerous path because lurking in the darkness is a reality that I have to face. Last night I had a jarring realization.
The day Gord passed I felt like I stepped into a different world, where everything changed and nothing made sense. I`ve been trying to piece together the puzzle and build a new life in this world and it has been surreal. Last night I realized I did not time warp into another world, I am not in a nightmare, it`s real! This really happened to my life. This is still the same world, it just doesn`t have Gord in it and all the things he brought to my world. It all starting to hit me. It felt like it had just happened. I fell apart. I was losing myself and I was coming undone and I was all alone. I knew I needed to talk to someone. I stared at my contacts. It was midnight.
I remembered when I first was on my own,after my parents left, I was afraid to be alone. My brother Mike told me I could call him at any time and that he really wanted me to depend on him; even in the middle of the night. So I sent him a text and he responded instantly. I called him, his deep quiet voice was so steady, It grounded me. He just listened but his constant energy made me feel safe. He affirmed me.
In the end Mike made me realize that as weak as I may feel, I am in fact always stronger than the day before. He helped me to see that although I continue to fall , I always get back up. He helped me to see that I am resilient.
I can say that I do know that there is something built inside of us to endure this type of tragedy. The human spirit is designed to survive.
So, I am going to attempt to trust in myself and in life. I am going to use the knowledge that I have been and will continue to be resilient and that no matter what life throws at me I can survive.
So this is my life, my true story. A new story begins...
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