Brilliant Glow

I can look behind me now and see all the mountains I've climbed, all the trials I have faced, all the gifts and blessings along the way. There are many days now I feel like I've become more rather than less from this journey.

Recently, it seems like I have entered another phase of the active grieving process....daily. It's unexpected, changed and new. It's so raw and so deep. I've read many times as well have learned from my councillor that the active grieving process for a young widows is on average two years. I'm approaching this mark. It's hard to believe there may be a door I can walk through that will lead to a life that is less painful. It's become a new normal for me. I've really adapted to the process...but I definitely would be happy to move beyond it. My grief no longer overwhelms me, no longer shocks me or trips me....but rather visits me. It appears gently and I recognize it so clearly. The grief really seems to open me up emotionally....it washes me. The depth of my emotional experience is new.

Today I went for acupuncture, she is also a dear friend. One of the things she commented on was my shen. She said my shen was very good. I asked her to clarify....she said my eye shine and glow is amazing and not commonly found in those who have experienced a trauma. She said the healing I've gone through is truly amazing and that it is evident that I have really leaned into the process. It was so affirming to hear her say this. It has been tremendously difficult to be present to the process....but the rewards are consistent and I continue to face the pain knowing that there is healing on the other side.

After I left  my appointment I stopped to get coffee and a snack. Beside me stood a young boy around 8 or 9. Along his side was his dad. I couldn't help but over hear their conversation. The boy had a glow...as if he was talking to his super hero. I could tell he hung off every word and expression his dad gave him. It was obvious to me the dad was quite taken by his son too. I kind of just found myself wanting to bask in their interaction. To me it was amazing....I saw something so brilliant....a bond between a son and father.

Allowing myself to go there also ripped my heart open. I realized that I am still devastated by my boys loss. Gord was such an amazing dad. It was one my favourite parts of Gord...seeing him love my boys as much as I did. I miss seeing their glow in their interactions. It's a void I can't fill for them...it's a loss I can't save them from. Somehow I can see his influence in them...I can see that he still parents them. They knew him....they remember him...he is forever a part of them.

If I can find any consolation is this loss....it's that Gord did love us all so well. My boys remember that...and will always carry that. They are also still so well loved today by so many. I've been in Edmonton for over a week, Everyday has been full of family love for my boys. I can see how it gives them that glow.

I came home in tears from my appointment. My mom held me and reminded me that my boys show a glow all the time. She reminded me that my love for them makes them glow too.

I'm still mourning losses...I'm still having to let go of ideals. Accepting that the ideal wasn't part of the plan....is the hardest part. However, I'm discovering that despite our losses we still are rich with life, love and blessings. The life I live now is not quite what I had imagined..., it's not the ideal....but it's still surprisingly beautiful...I know that is how Gord would want us to see it.

I also think grief always brings new perspective and appreciation. I feel reminded to appreciate the special relationships in my life and remember to appreciate the glow we bring to each other. My boys lost their father much earlier than most....I'm sure like me someday it will seem like they gained more than they lost too. I already see so much resilience and empathy in them, they are brave and they are strong. We will all grow from this.

It's still a good life! Happy Fathers Day Gord

Gord,

Another Fathers day approaches and we need to find a way to celebrate you and remember you. I can't begin to imagine the conversations we could have to just talk for one day. So much has happened again this year. I feel proud of how far we have come. I have worked to create a life for the boys and I that helps us to thrive and live life to its greatest potential. I've missed you so many times. The holidays have normalized and no longer are emotional roller coasters but still, at times have brought on unexpected overwhelming grief. The times I miss you the most are in the parenting moments where I need support. Both boys have had their stages where I felt a loss to know how to support them, to know how to help them. I miss all the ways you supported me by affirming me. So often you brought my emotional world back into balance. I loved how we could discuss alternatives and really work through problems to find the best solution. I'm learning how to find that balance on my own now. I'm coming to see more and more everyday that although our world doesn't come close to look like it would if you were alive, it's still a good life!

Sometimes I find myself feeling frustrated by the continued struggles I still cope with daily. It's become easier as I have learned how to compensate in building new skills and relying on others to help when I'm insufficient. However, I've really come to understand that raising a family really was never designed for just one person.And although there has been countless losses there has been many blessings. Although at times our world may shine less bright there are times we see the world brighter than we ever had before. I have new eyes and new heart now. I live harder and love deeper.

My greatest heart break is still my boys loss. You were such an incredible father and  I can see there lives are still touched by this today. Some days the boys really just need a hug or to hear that you love them and are proud of them. But most days I know they still feel so incredibly loved by you.  They remember all the ways you were good to them. They will forever have that. And although seeing you as an angel that watches over them is often not enough. It's still a good life!

Gord we have a bench now to honor your memory. It lays at the board walk. It's so easy to feel your presence there. I'm so grateful to have this way to remember you. You are such a big part of our hearts, such a big part of our story. Although our story on earth ended earlier than we expected, we know that are story together continues forever.

I use to sometimes worry that if I wasn't thinking about you, that I would forget you but now I know....thoughts fade, but love doesn't. I will always love you. For Father's day Gord, I give you a promise....that for the boys I will always live life well....it will always be a good life! I know that is the greatest gift I can give you.

Love Jen

This Sunday members of Gords family and my little family will be placing the plaque on the bench. It lays at the bottom of the first hill at Maxwell lake parking lot before you start the board walk. Please feel free to visit the bench and remember Gordon.

Wrapping Up!

Making cupcakes, wrapping presents and making preparations for my little boy to turn 4. He is turning 4 tomorrow. What!

I watched and observed Noah today. I was in awe of who he is. He is growing into such a wonderful little person. My heart swelled with pride. Although I am very excited about his development, that isn't why my heart filled with joy today. He is becoming a great little person and he fills his world with light. He has a way of making me smile and making me feel special. He is so friendly and quick to smile for others. He has an incredibly warm nature and a joyful, carefree heart.

Tonight my heart broke, it ached at the thought of his dad not being here to celebrate his sons 4th birthday. Tonight it seems unfair that Gord had to leave us so soon.....that my little boy is only 4 but is already celebrating a birthday for the second time without his dad.

I can't believe how much Gord has missed.

Yesterday Danny had a birthday party to attend at the bowling alley. In hopes that Noah wouldn't feel too left out I suggested the two of us go to the pool. We had a little bonding time. He shared that when he grows up he wants to be a teenager so that he can get milk by himself like his babysitter Samuel. I further inquired asking what kind of job he wants when he grows up and he replied he wants to be a penguin. I questioned him as to what a penguin does and he said waddles....demonstrating " like this."

Honestly there are so many adorable moments right now and although I believe Gord is watching us, a part of  this all, I just want to experience his humanness. We shared the same passion and love for our boys. I want to see Gord's smile and pride for his boys. I want to see his excitement as they develop their interests and passions. I want to hear all the ways he is so proud and excited about them. When Noah was 2 we didn't know he would be passionate about dinosaurs, star wars and baking. He has such a sweet little voice and now speaks in big sentences. He loves play school, friends and his most favourite activity is video games.

Yesterday he was also telling me that his dad loved video games just like he did and that he died but he still has a dad, he just lives in heaven now with God.

Right now Noah has it all figured out. There was a couple of months this year where his world was quite confusing. He wondered where his dad was. He continuously asked questions like, " Can I use a ladder to see dad? Or what about a plane? Does he live by Mexico?"

He started walking up to strangers and blurting out, " My dad died."

I was at a loss for words, but I think Noah was just trying to figure out what it all meant.

He asked how his dad died. I told him the same way I told Danny.

His heart stopped working, his body stopped moving and he stopped breathing.

A couple of days later Noah ran up to me. " Mom, mom we need to get dad and bring him to the hospital. If his heart is broken we can get a doctor to fix him."

It was then that my heart broke. How do I tell him? How do I tell him, his dad's heart cannot be fixed?

After months of Noah searching for understanding....he seemed to have found it.

I remember it clearly, we were driving home from church. In a cheerful voice Noah shared.... that his died, he was in heaven, his dad loved him and he loved his dad. He went on to recount that his dad carried him, hugged him and tickled him.... and some day he will see him again.

Since then it appears that is all Noah needs to know.

He talks about his dad all the time. He continues to retell me the ways his dad loved him, he also seems to have an imagination and will tell me that his dad played with him last Friday and gave him a hug. Who knows maybe his dad is more present then I understand.

My heart is broken at the idea of Gord not being here for my sons big moments. I also feel a gratefulness that he loved them so well and that they continue to remember that. Tonight as I tucked Noah in bed , he asked if he could say a prayer for his father. We did! I told him that I bet his dad and all the angels will be singing happy birthday with us tomorrow. Noah relied, Don't forget God, he will be singing too.

This boy knows he is loved...and for now, it seems like it is all he needs to know.

Gord is no longer here but we are wrapped up in his love.

I want you to Stay!

A couple of months ago I  found myself wrestling with the horrid possibility of another close person unexpectedly passing away. It's difficult to deny the possibility when it has happened. It's challenging to rationalize these irrational thoughts away when this has become a reality. Gord collapsed one day, no warning signs...40 years earlier than I had imagined. I use to believe  tragedy only happened in books or in the movies. I can remember on that September 11, watching over and over the collapse of the twin towers thinking...this can't actually be real...this is just a movie...right?!

 These intense fears of losing someone close to me seemed to haunt me, follow me...like a dark shadow, I have worried about my my boys dying; friends, parents, siblings dying suddenly....unexpectedly. How would I cope? How would I cope with another tragedy?  I worried how my boys would manage if anything happened to me. I started planning; making sure the important people in my life had all the important numbers of the important people in my life.

Other than my councillor my mom has been my go to person. In the moments where grief  overcame me, in times where I felt lost without Gord or when the challenges as a single mom became overwhelming she was the person I could call.  She had become a person I could depend on. It gave me great security and consolation just to know I had a person I could find refuge in. I felt like she understood my journey...like she was walking with me.

Then my imagination took hold and I envisioned the worst. What if I lost my mom? What if I lose my other most important person? How would I survive? How would I go on? I need her! I love her!

One of the most difficult parts in the recovery of losing Gord has been making the adaptation of doing many things on my own that he use to help me with or assume responsibility for.  From taking care of finances and vehicles, to making decisions about my children and life, to being able to have a confident to debrief with for my everyday struggles. I have had to mourn these losses and learn how to compensate for these loses. It's still a challenge I cope with daily....however I am getting better at accepting my losses and quicker at compensating. I have often thought that I was perhaps too dependant on Gord, that this all wouldn't of been so hard if I was more independent to start with.

Logically; I started thinking that I have been too emotionally dependant on my mom. I rationalized that I needed to find more ways to work through my emotions than depend on my mom. I began to withdraw. In the midst of a  low time I decided I had to work through these problems by myself...so that if I lost my mom I would be strong enough to bare it.

I expressed my fears to my councillor. I told her about my efforts to solve my emotional problems independently. I explained that I didn't want to be dependant on my mom or anyone else so that if I lost them it wouldn't be so hard to bare.

My councillor challenged my rational. She implied my logic could use some analysis. Using an analogy she shed new light onto my understanding.

Along the lines she questioned me...." Would it be rational to say I won't drink any more water in the chance that  one day, there will be no water?"

I understood the comparison but my mind and heart needed time to digest this, time to adapt to this idea, time to re-frame my thinking.

She suggested that I may feel more emotionally secure if I expanded my support system and reached out to others as well. I expressed to her that I find it hard to confide in friends because we are all so immersed in parenting it's hard to find breathing time to share emotions when we are so engaged with our children....but I decided I would try.

I have been, bit by bit trying to not carry all the emotional burden. I also returned to the open relationship with my mom.

But there was still apart of me still so afraid to lose, so afraid to have to re experience another broken heart....so afraid to have to face more loss.

About a week ago I was watching " American Idol", on tv. A young girl shared her back story of how much her grandma meant to her. She shared that she really wanted her grandma to remain a part of her life. In dedication and in memory of  her deceased grandma, she sang the song " Stay" by Rihanna.

Her performance triggered a new understanding in me. It was an Ah Ha moment! I was inspired! I came to a new life changing, transforming perspective. I realized that the greatest thing I ever did was to completely immerse myself into my relationship with Gord. It became so evident that because of our closeness he has left such a rich imprint on my soul. I have never regretted all the hours we spent bonding, all the quality time we had together. I have never regretted loving him so deeply. It has been my greatest suffering letting go of the life I had with Gord on earth. However, it is becoming a new joy to discover that forever Gord occupies such a special part of my heart and the fabric of our beings have been weaved together in a bond that only continues to grow.

In that moment I realized that it is a greater risk to not love than bare the risk of loss. The real loss would be if I held back and didn't fully engage in the relationship. I have an opportunity to be close with the people in my life that are still alive today. It is worth the investment of the heart because the love is what still remains...even in the event of death.  We aren't living in this world together because we need to learn how to do everything independently. We aren't living here to protect our hearts from ever getting broken. We are here together to help each other and to enrich each others lives. We need each other! We can help each other heal, we can help each other rebuild broken hearts. We are here to help each other become whole. Death is an inevitable part of life. However, love and memories do remain forever! For that reason I choose to embrace my relationships, to love fully, to immerse myself in the lives of others...where ever they will let me...in hopes that we can help each other and grow in love. Even if there is more loss, more death...the love stays...the memories remain.

Tyanna Jones - Singing " Stay" by Rihanna

I want  Gord to be always be apart of me. I want him to stay with me!

http://jacksonville.com/entertainment/2015-04-08/story/jacksonvilles-tyanna-jones-stays-idol-wednesday-night-performance

Light at the End of the Tunnel.

A year ago on Easter I recall sitting in the early spring sunshine on a friends deck with my parents. I remember desperately wanting my boys to have a special day. I didn't want the loss to overshadow the joy special holidays are suppose to bring. In the warmth of the sun, I clearly remember feeling a heaviness; an unshakable weight in my stomach. I felt the loss. During that time in my grief I remember.... just getting out of bed was a challenge I faced daily.

In my most recent counselling session I confessed to my councillor that I was dreading spring break. I had plans to spend the week in Edmonton area with family. There was so much to look forward to, however many of  my holidays since Gord passed have left me feeling burnt out. Christmas holidays I felt especially overwhelmed by grief and exhaustion. Although I had made many great memories when away from home.....I dreaded the packing and dealing with Noah away from home. Since Gord has passed Noah has had a more difficult time adjusting to change. Predictably, Noah would have more melt downs, temper tantrums and a loss of appetite. My job as a single mother became harder. There was always the post holiday burn out as well. I would come home to holiday laundry, grocery shopping, unloading, unpacking and more often than not..... cranky children. All the stress and exhaustion led to more grief. The weight of the challenges often felt like they out weighed the fun of the trip.

My councillor reminded me to some degree this was all normal for every family with young children. As a single mom, the responsibility was greater but she reminded me this will all get easier with time. She suggested we brainstorm ideas to prevent burn out and as well as strategies to cope with some inevitable recovery time.

My week started with the odds stacked in my favor. The boys had a few days with the Mark grandparents. The time off was so welcomed. I seemed to find the right balance between  celebrating my birthday and catching up on rest. To my surprise Noah seemed to cope better than usual with all the change. I spent the rest of the week at my brothers. I had an amazing week of fun and relaxation. The boys continued to enjoy themselves as well. I made an effort to keep them on routine to give us the best chance at having a good time. I also prepared Noah every night about what to expect the following day to help him cope with change and reminded him how many days it would be until we returned home to give him a sense of security.

 Initially, I had ambitious ideas of taking in all our favorite family activities in the city like the water park, Telus Science Center, the zoo etc. Using my better judgement I decided being with family and friends would be enough activity for my little family. It seems like this was a good choice!

I intentionally limited late evenings and alcohol. I still had a few late nights and along with some celebrating but all in all I came home rested. I had the energy to get unpacked and ready for the following week. We all woke up the Tuesday morning with energy to start our week.

This feels like such a huge mountain I have climbed. I feel like I have found hope in taking holidays again. It appears Noah has turned a corner, I guess a little maturity and few strategies goes a long way.

Over the break I was so occupied with family and friends that I neglected to anticipate the possible grief, mourning and numbness I have often experienced on holidays. The night before Easter I tucked my boys in bed and I took a moment to reflect with them what heaven must be like on Easter. I figured it would be one of the greatest days in heaven.  Danny suggested that their would be a rock band playing and a huge screen to play Mario Cart 10( not made yet) on. I chuckled thinking that would could be an accurate representation of what his dad would of considered  heaven on earth as well. We whispered some prayers about Gord and the boys drifted off to sleep with anticipation for the arrival of the Easter Bunny.

With multiple Easter egg hunts and multiple family functions the day flew by filled with socializing and great food. I was happy. I was present to the day. The day felt  so normal. It felt like a normal holiday. I caught myself a few times thinking....I feel normal. I don't feel numb, sad, lonely. I just had this feeling like Gord was such a huge part of our lives. I didn't feel his presence like I have sometimes in the past...I just felt like I carried him in my heart and in my mind. I had a deep sense and knowing that he was still playing a role in our story today. The imprint he has left has become a new part of who I am.

Recently, I have been challenged as a parent. When Gord was alive, I was the intuitive one in the relationship. I experienced things more emotionally. I was the one that worried, that cried and became emotional about our children's issues.   I could depend on Gord to be the voice or reason; the voice that would ground me. Gord always had this natural way of looking at the big picture and remaining objective under stress. Together we complimented each other well in making decisions and problem solving.

Now it's all me. Over the past year and a half I've had to rely on my memory of Gord to help me navigate through heavy situations. What I am discovering is that I am becoming both parents. I have to be both parents. I am still the emotional one....however I am learning to find my grounding. I am learning to find the Gord in me, the rational side of me. I am surprising myself at my ability to become objective and compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions and be able to remain strong when necessary. I am beginning to understand that the loss is not a loss of everything nor is it permanent. The memories and the love are everlasting and are still dramatically influencing me today.  I also look forward to reuniting with him some day in heaven. This Easter I felt connected to these ideas and the loss didn't feel so heavy at all.

As I drove back to my brothers after all the Easter festivities I felt a sense of releif. I knew I had a major breakthrough. This was the first major holiday that I had no emotional build up, no numbness, no ache, no heaviness, no mourning. To think....for a holiday I was free from pain....Amazing! I felt a new joy well up in me instead....I had dreamed of this possibility to fully enjoy a holiday not knowing if it was ever possible. It is!

Ironically, as I tucked Danny into bed that Easter evening, his tears began to pour out. He was overcome with intense grief. He cried out that Easter wasn't the same with out his dad. He said it hurt so bad to miss him so much. Although it was heart wrenching to watch him experience such intense pain, I had a new hope for my boys. For the first time I felt like I had a true glimpse into what it may be like to be healed. I had new belief that someday the pain...will fade away.

I held Danny and reminded him how much his dad loved him...just for being him. I retold Danny all the ways his dad was proud of him and how much he loved being with family on holidays. The tears dried and he seemed to find his peace and fell asleep.

On Easter Monday my family had an Easter brunch. I asked my mom if we could light a candle in remembrance of Gord and explained that Danny was really missing his dad this holiday. Before grace my mom asked Danny to light a candle to remember his dad this holiday. On the way back to Hinton that afternoon both Danny and Noah were talking about their dad so light-heartedly. They shared memories and Noah shared that he played spider man with his dad last week. I felt a peace come over us.

After all this time, this grief journey has continued to be unpredictable and ever changing. However, I'm seeing a lift in the pain. The moments of grief still hit me. Just last night....a simple song " At Last" brought me to tears. Gord was the answer to all my prayers.

However, since Gord's passing I've come to see that many of my prayers are still answered.

I anticipate I will continue to mourn the loss of Gord at times.....

 However, for the first time I'm starting to see there is light at the end of the tunnel. It seems that the grief may someday pass, the pain may fade away and all that will be left is the treasured memories and everlasting love!

Cheers and Tears

It's my birthday!I'm 39 today! Last year in my 30's. Feels like I've been through a lot in 39 years. My sister in law has planned a gathering for tomorrow night. It's great to have something to look forward to....but today....it's raining.... it's quiet.

My heart feels heavy. My boys have ski lessons and I have to clean and pack for our week in the city.

Sometimes I try to remember how I coped last year. How did I feel last year on my birthday? I remember planning my own party with friends from Hinton. I remember having a positive attitude. I remember wanting to be happy. I think last year losing Gord was enough. I couldn't also lose my joy for holidays and special occasions. Last year it seemed like I had to find a way to find the joy.....I just couldn't lose it all.

Today...I feel sad, empty. I feel the loss....the void.

How do I celebrate today?

My boys haven't wished me happy birthday. They haven't made cards or helped pick out a present. Why would they?...They are 3 and 6 years old.

I try to fill my mind with positive self talk.

" I'm fortunate to be alive and celebrate my birthday. I'm fortunate to have so many blessings. Some people don't have the privilege to celebrate 39 years of age."

But today....it's not enough. This birthday....today....I miss Gord.

Tomorrow, I'll be heading to the city...I will have fun with friends and family....tomorrow I will find my joy again.

I've come to accept that my holidays are more complicated now. I've come to accept that sometimes I will feel the pain and sting of grief instead of the joy of the occasion. Sometimes I will experience both sorrow and joy at the same time. I've come to accept that it is OK to miss Gord, it is OK to be sad. I can accept this because I also know that I will still find joy too.

Both sorrow and joy continue to be a part of my new story.

I know that tomorrow when I am with family, I will be reminded of how loved I am. I will be reminded of all the blessings in my life. I will feel grateful, I will feel blessed....I will feel joy.

This grief journey is longer and more intense than I had anticipated. I can see that each year I will process it differently, experience it differently. I have a feeling that my next birthday.....I might feel different again. Last year I found a way to keep the joy, this year I am in mourning. Perhaps next year...will surprise me as well.

Cheers is to another year well lived....and a tear for the loss of my love.

Saturday Mourning Coffee

This morning  I  am running through my usual routine of drinking coffee, looking at Facebook, planning my days and reading books as the boys enjoy some down time with their IPADs. I can't help myself but remember what my Saturday mornings use to be like....

Last night a friend came over with ice cream to watch a movie. Most weekends I make an effort to get out at least one night on the weekend to keep my social tank somewhat filled. Although I thoroughly enjoy my nights out with friends,  last night was a reprieve. It was a fantastic change of pace to wear my sweats, and just enjoy the pleasures of discussions and friendship while taking in a good movie. I expressed my gratitude and told her how wonderful it felt to not be alone.  I further explained that I'm use to being alone now. It's not that difficult any more, however I couldn't believe how full the room seemed with her there. Watching a movie with a friend was more stimulating, more interesting and more satisfying.  I felt lighter.

Saturday mornings with Gord was often the highlight of my week. In our pjs we would often drink 2 or 3 cups of  coffee  and let the morning get away from us. It was like the rest of the world fell away as we would discuss anything and everything.



This morning as I gazed out my window I began to cry. Remembering Gord, remembering our Friday nights, our Saturday mornings. I felt the loss, I felt the absence. Noah gently came up the stairs and peered into the living room. He climbed onto my lap, held onto my face and asked if I was OK.

Through my tears I expressed to him that I missed dad, I really missed my best friend right now.

Noah showed genuine concern, gave me a hug and uttered, " You are going to be OK."

Empathy from my 3 year old did lift the pain. I wiped my tears and he was so proud to make his mom feel better.

I told him he is my little hero.

The pain of this loss is still very present. I've created a rewarding, meaningful life around the pain. It's interesting to me....that the void, the hole, the emptiness, the absence is still at times as large as the day he left us.

Where is my hope? How do I hold on?

Lately I've been faced with the reality that this reality of losing Gord will always be a part of who I am, it will always be a part of my story. I use to dream of the grass being greener, of brighter days. I use to believe that there would be a day where my life would be fully restored as if this loss never happened. However, I've come to see that is impossible. This happened and is now forever a part of me.

My hope lies in today! My grass is green today. My life is bright today!

Although I have deep pain at times, I also have great joy at times.

This will always be true.

Many people have suffered great loss. Many people will continue to suffer great loss. Many people also have still survived, still thrived....have become stronger despite their losses. This is the human story.

I can let the loss take away more from me than I have already loosed or I can choose to be grateful for all I still have and see that my life....in many ways is still very rich, full and blessed.

I use to put all my hope in tomorrow, now I realize some of my hope lies in today.

I don't deny I'm in pain....but I do live with it, I choose to be stronger than the pain. It never has the last word!

All I Felt was His Life

Yesterday as I crammed in a grocery shop, it occurred to me that Valentines Day is this week. I grabbed a couple of valentines packs for my boys to give at class. I wondered...what day of the week is Valentines day. What should I do with my boys? My parents are coming for the weekend, right then and there I knew I didn't have to put to much more thought into it. Grandparents are one of their most favorite people. Their Valentines Day will be perfect!

What about myself ?  Hmmm, last year I remember the month brought many thoughts and feelings. I remember having a fun day planned with my boys and enjoying them,however I also remember feeling the grief and sadness beneath the surface. I remember a deep weight in my gut.

 I wondered....how do I feel this February?

I feel like I'm getting through the days. The boys have battled 3 bursts of colds, stomach flus, and infections. I've spent too many days at home for my liking....However, overall, I still feel like my head is above water. I have filled my life with many activities that keep me afloat, keep me moving forward, keeping me positive. It's not always pretty but I'm becoming confident that I can ride these waves.

I feel OK. I'm not ecstatic at the idea of not having my love for Valentines day. It kind of sucks to be single that day. But truth....I feel immense love from Gord. I don't feel unloved, unworthy or devalued. I feel incredibly loved, I love Gord more than I could of imagined considering it's been 17 months since I've seen his face or heard his voice.

In my previous blog, I explored reliving moments and memories around the time of  Gord's death,  Since then another memory surfaced and unfolded in front of me. It has more power than any trauma I witnessed or experienced. This memory is forever fixed in the core of my being. It is a gift!

I remembered the moments I spent with Gord, right after he had passed. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I had been sitting in a waiting room with friends trying to digest this concept that I was going to go say good bye to my husband. My now....dead husband. Dead for maybe 20 minutes. I was completely stunned, in shock....

For no other reason other than relying on the opinion of a doctor I trusted and respected we made our way to the surgery room.

Gord laid on his back covered with a blanket. his shirt was off. There was no sound, no movement....it was so quiet. There was this deep peace that filled the room. I left that stunned state and felt grounded, completely aware, completely myself. I felt a tranquillity that was so real, so freeing. Like a deep sense of knowing.

I've seen in movies, good byes to those who had passed.

I needed no words. For the first time in my life I realized that love is beyond words, beyond touch...beyond the living.

I knew there was nothing left unsaid or left undone. I knew our love was full.

There was an intense presence in the room like a rich aroma. He was in fact completely dead yet I knew that his spirit continued.

Eternal life had always been an abstract concept to me. At that moment I became connected with the truth about everlasting life. It is now a concrete understanding that will be forever ingrained in my soul. I had my hand on death but all I felt was his life.

I feel his life, his spirit. I feel loved!

Great Shock!

Lately I've been navigating a new trail in my mind. It's somewhat uncharted territory. Until now, I've been avoiding seeking this road. I've been visiting a space in my mind that holds those days and moments before, during and after the tragic death of Gord.

It's like I take a back seat and watch...observe my own mind...my memories. It is so difficult to watch. It's as if I am watching a horror movie, I  want to cover my eyes.... but a curiosity is stronger. I want to understand what happened. I'm ready to make sense of this.

I find myself contemplating what this event must of been like for other characters in the story.

At the onset of Gord's collapse I sent my parents a text. " Gord has had a heart attack. Please pray!"

They already had their vehicle packed because they had plans to go to the cabin.

By the time they received the news that Gord had not survived the heart attack they were already heading to Hinton. I wonder....

What was it like driving? What did they talk about? What were those 3 hours like for them?

I think about Gords parents, our siblings, our friends.....the shock...the absolute bomb that shook our worlds beyond comprehension.

I think about Gord, I think about how only a couple of  hours prior to his heart attack he was sharing a meal with us. He was sharing his day with us. He was so alive.

How does this happen?

I think about what that last hour must of been like for him. I can picture him at cross fit, sitting on the sidelines, drinking water and feeling awful. I wonder if he knew. I wonder if he had a sense of what was to come. I wonder what it was like driving home, feeling that way. I wonder what he was thinking and how terrified he must of been. Something was seriously wrong!

I can remember those last seconds before he collapsed. He had a terror I had never seen in him before. He looked like he was scared to death and like he could burst into tears. I have never felt so helpless.

I know none of this matters now. I know he is no longer suffering. But I love him so much.

I think about the 3 friends that came to the hospital within seconds of the news. I think how they so willingly, without hesitation....stayed with me and accompanied me to say good bye to Gord. I wonder what was it like for them, It meant so much to me...I don't even know where to begin to express my gratitude.

Somehow this is a true story! Somehow I have survived 16 months without Gord. Somehow I picked up the pieces, rebuilt a life that still holds meaning and love.

Sometimes the biggest shock is waking up and seeing that I am OK, that I can still be happy, that my boys can still have a full life. Not only have I survived this tragic loss but I can't help but count my blessings and find so many things to still be grateful for.

Last night at Taekwondo, we did punching drills with padding. Most practices emphasize kicking, so my punching skills are lacking. I kept mishitting the pads. It hurt. You learn quick! You'd think! I was really getting into it. It was fun! It felt good!

I felt a rush go through my hand. I glanced! My hand was shaking intensely and two fingers were swollen. The instructor sat me down and grabbed ice. He checked on me frequently and told me it appeared I was in shock. He grabbed me water. It hit me! It hit me with so much weight. My eyes began to well up. I couldn't help but remember this was what Gord's last minutes were like. He was on the sidelines, they were checking on him, they were giving him water. I couldn't shake these thoughts, these memories. My mind was spinning, trying to make sense of this. After 1/2 h, my hand stopped shaking, the swelling was gone and I had returned to a relaxed state. I realized that this event really did happen to Gord,....However,  it had not happened to me. I am so sorry Gord had to experience that. I am still devastated by the loss. However, I am alive, I have a beautiful life. It still boggles my mind that great loss and great joy can and do exist at the same time.

The real shock of this story.... sometimes, for me....is that I am still fully alive, fully living!

A Thousand Words!

A thousand words. I've heard the expression many times...a picture is worth a thousand words. This morning I was nominated to post my first ever profile picture on Facebook. This is it! I caught myself staring...gazing, wanting to go back.

This picture filled my mind. It opened a past, a journey, a story. In seconds, I remembered the day, the trip. I remembered the man in this picture. I starting missing Gord, our relationship. Then in disbelief, I remembered the day he died, my journey since he passed and where I am today.All this came to me in seconds.

I still catch myself often in disbelief. Did this really happen? Sometimes it still all feels like a bad dream and I wonder if I will ever wake up to the life I once knew. It pulls on the depths of my emotions looking at the truth, realizing reality. Realizing all that is lost!

Such a great picture of Gord, a great picture of us. It depicts Gord's great character, I see his content nature. He was carefree, yet so caring. He was fun, yet so responsible. He really was my best friend, a man I could share my whole heart with, my whole self with.

This picture reminds me how much fun we had together, how much we enjoyed each other. This was a picture of our first drink as we embarked on our honeymoon along the inside passage for an Alaskan cruise. This picture reminds me that we were both so passionate about the mountains, the outdoors, nature and adventure. This picture reminds me of the love we shared in the early stage of our relationship and how it only became deeper and fuller with time.

I'm still trying to piece the puzzle together, make sense of this all. It seemed like I waited so long to find this great person, a wonderful marriage... an amazing father. Why was it taken away from me?

Then it comes back to me...it doesn' t matter why! Getting stuck on the why....keeps me stuck in a place that has no answers.

Words of wisdom I once heard.

" It doesn't matter why, what is more important is how? and what?

How am I going to live with this? How am I going to grow from this? How am I going to use this? What am I going to learn from this? How is this going to make me stronger, a more evolved human being? How is this going to help me become a part of the human story?

There is so much in this life that can seem unfair, challenging and sometimes even life altering. Gord's death isn't the first time I've wondered why? Why did this happen to me?

Life happens! Everyday! Trials can be seen as a curse....or an opportunity to grow, learn, transform and become a more compassionate, loving individual.I can get stuck on the why....or I can focus on the how and the what. How am I going to best live this life?

Fresh Start

January has brought the relief I was hoping to find. My first travel experience as a single mom coupled with the Christmas season left my spirit riddled in stress and grief. I believed I was regressing. However,after discussions with my councillor I was reassured that my response to the Christmas season was in fact normal given the circumstances. She expressed that in many ways this Christmas was more representative of a first Christmas without Gord. Last year at this time I existed in a space of constant adrenaline, numbness and denial.

This year the shock had faded and the gravity of the loss hung over me. I responded at times by reentering  a state of shock. The immenseness of the reality was still too intense for me to fully experience. She encouraged me, suggesting that I still showed strength during a hard time and carried on with the season. I have really learned how to live with the pain and struggle of coping with the loss. She further explained that there are so many different ways to interpret the loss, so many different emotions to experience....there is still so much to process...

I look back on the trip to Mexico and Christmas and I see now...great memories. It wasn't easy but never the less...worth it!

My councillor directed me towards a  lesson that continues to emerge. This lesson is that the grief, the loss, the pain...doesn't have the last word. It doesn't take over, it doesn't drown me, consume me or control me. There are times where I wonder if it will. There are times where I wonder if this will be the time that I fold, that I give up...the time where a part of me is lost forever....in the loss. Evidently....that is not the case. I'm learning that I am OK,... that I will survive....that I always get back up, I will always continue.

Here I am now in January, a month that would normally be a low month for me. It is usually a month that feels long, often lacking sunshine and activity. In the past I can remember having cabin fever, feeling like winter is so long. However, that is not how I feel. I feel positive and energetic. I breathe easier waking up knowing that I have energy and the ability to keep up with life. It's feeling like a normal life again....A world that makes sense again.

I'm still learning how to go on without my husband, my partner, my best friend...my love. However, I'm also learning how to create a life that is still meaningful, rewarding and fulfilling. The contrast of enduring suffering along with the growth and returning to a life I once knew feels like a dream is coming true. A dream that I will heal, that my children will heal...that one day it will all be good again.

There is hoarfrost on the trees, it is cool...sunny, bright and beautiful. It is brisk! It is fresh! January is the fresh start I needed!