So Good

Some people ask me if it is hard to look at pictures of Gord. I love looking at pictures of Gord. The first thought that always enters my mind is that ...he was so good to me. He was so good to the kids. He really had a natural disposition towards goodness.

Gord and I were in conversation pretty much every minute we were together. There were also comfortable silences. Especially Sunday afternoons making the trip home from the cabin. But more often than not, we were talking. Often about people and relationships. I always admired Gords attitude towards people and relationships. I still aspire to be more like him.

First of all, he truly believed in peoples goodness. He often said things like, " Don't  you think most people are naturally good and want to be good."

I haven't met many people in my life who live by that attitude. 

I'm starting to improve in this area, but I've often concerned myself with how others perceive me. I also find myself sensitive to others changes in behavior, body language, tone, choice of words. Gord on the other hand interpreted the world quite differently. I can remember him saying, " I don't worry about what others think about me, because generally speaking I believe I'm a good person, and what others may think doesn't change that."

Gord also had the power to choose to not pick up on body language, tone and subtlety.  I can hear him saying, " If someone has a problem with me, they are going to have to tell exactly what I'm doing wrong, if they can't tell me directly, then it must not be that important."

On top of that, I've been present when he has been criticized, after the fact I would ask it bothered him and we would say," They can think what ever they want, I'm not threatened by others opinions." ( refer to first quote.)

I knew Gord for 9 years. In those nine years, I never knew anyone that didn't like Gord. He was so easy to be around and so easy to love. He was so comfortable with who he was he gave others permission to be themselves too.

I feel so grateful to have had to opportunity to have known such an amazing man and fortunate enough to be so well loved.

I love you and miss you Gord. I will carry you in my heart forever.

Angels and Miracles

When I was 27 I took a teaching gig in Grand Cache. The school was small, only 50 kids. It was a Christian school, K-8. My class was organized with 3 grades, 3,4,5. The challenge was overwhelming and exciting. I only had 12 students, of which I quickly fell in love with. The learning experience was so rich. I bought my first house after a month of living there. The mine had just reopened and my family and I decided it was an opportunity for investment that I couldn't miss. Weeks before I took possession of the house, I was invited to a rec volley ball night. I was eager to meet new people and get some exercise so I accepted. Expecting a night of tossing around a ball, I was looking forward to some fun. Once we got organized it didn't take me long to discover these players were more than the average adults wanting a little exercise. Three out of eight of the players played for the U of A bears. Initially, I was intimidated, but they convinced me that they were grateful to have another player. It was exciting and I really enjoyed my night out.

The following week, only 4 of us showed. We still played 2 against 2. I was pushing myself to keep up. We played for 2 hours. I should have stretched! Towards the end of our scrimmage I lunged forward and a loud snap filled the gymnasium. It felt like a  corner of a table landed on the back of my lower leg. The three players surrounded me with awe and confusion. " What was that sound?"

My calf was convulsing. It kind of hurt but I was mostly in shock. One of the players was a massage therapist and confidently suggested I was having a muscle spasm. So I went home and iced my leg and took muscle relaxers. After 5 days of trying to live with the injury, it became apparent something was wrong. When I would walk on it, I would collapse. Absolute weakness! It reminded me of when you try to walk when you have pins and needles in your leg. There was bruising and swelling. I started feeling the back of my leg by my heal. On the left I could feel a hard like cartilage, on the right I could feel nothing. Just soft skin. " Oh Crap!"

Disappointingly, I took myself to the Grande Cache hospital that night. The doc said he needed to make a call. He returned with no change in tone or personality and delivered the news. I was to be in Grande Prairie the following morning for surgery. I had ruptured my achilles tendon and was going to be in a cast for 3 months.

I called my principal, she agreed to drive. I remember waking in the middle of the night at 3 am after the surgery and looking down. In despair, I called my mom. She met me in Grande |Cache and assisted me for a week. After that I was on my own. I moved into my new home and continued teaching with this cast. I remember my first morning back at work; by the time I reached the classroom I felt like I had a ran a marathon. I was dripping in sweat, I was exhausted. I didn't know how I would get through the day. But I did!

My students were my little angels. They brought my books for me, came to me and helped me everyday. Each morning we began with prayer and devotion followed by intentions. This was the highlight of my day. Hearing these adorable kids pray for their grandparents and their pets was so endearing. So sweet! Every day a student would pray for my healing.

The orthopedic surgeon warned me that when my cast came off it be excruciatingly painful and this would be when the hard work would begin. It was mid January, one my fellow volleyball buddies offered to drive me for the trip back to Grande Prairie. Today I was going to be free from the cast, but the next step had it's own challenges to anticipate. The doctor told me to brace myself;  he needed me to try and walk so he could diagnose my mobility and assess how much physio therapy I would need. The general rule was 3 months.

I inhaled, closed my eyes and lifted myself to standing. I took a step...It didn't hurt!!! I proceeded to walk to the other side of the room. I turned and looked at the surgeon. His eyes were welling up, I could see shock washing over his face. There was silence. He just stared. After many moments, with a hesitation and certain quietness he said, " You are healed...you will not be needing any physio therapy, this is medically unheard of."

The next day, with great enthusiasm I shared this experience with my students. They were filled with joy. However, they were not in least bit stunned because all along the way...they fully expected their prayers to be answered; and they were.

During those 3 months of being in a cast I had to learn how to function, how to live with only one leg. Initially, life seemed impossible, overwhelming and exhausting. As I powered through I began to get stronger, it was also empowering to innovate adaptations to function. It gave me pride to be able to live and work despite my disability. There were many times I wish I had more support.  But I was living on my own and single. I did however meet another angel during this time. We met online in November. We spent most of our early relationship messaging online, and eventually ended up chatting on the phone. He was my voice of encouragement during this time. I met him for the first time a week before I had my cast off  in January. He wasn't there to help me get groceries or do my laundry while I was in my cast but he was bringing my life hope. His name was Gordon Mark.

I need a T shirt that says this...

I'm thinking about having a shirt made, that would read something like this...

Are you working?
Are you going to move?
When do you think you will start dating?

I DON'T KNOW !



I went through a period where I was paranoid that all my friends, family, community and even people I didn't know were talking about me.... making judgement. Through counselling I realized I wasn't paranoid. That was in fact true. My councilor helped me to realize that most people were talking out of concern, some out of curiosity and some just like to have something to talk about.  I was able to identify that I only need to concern myself with opinions of those who care about me.

Ironically; I have blog now that exposes all my vulnerabilities. But now I figure, if there going to talk, I can use my blog to influence people's perceptions about me. It's working.

Truth be told, I have thought about all those questions extensively and have discussed with those I am closest too.

So here it is, for the benefit of all of you...those who care, who are curious and those who just want something to talk about. Hopefully this will benefit me as well, and give me the space to be where I am right now.

1. Am I working? When will I go back to work? Will I ever go back to work?

This is everybody's favorite.

I've started replying... I have the best job in the world. I am a parent! Being a parent is the most gratifying work of my life. Other than that....I will someday use my gifts and talents to serve others and contribute to society.

2. Am I going to move?

Are you kidding! Really!OMG!

The boys and I have spent the past four months adjusting to an enormous amount of change, including coping with intense overwhelming feelings, insecurities and exhaustion. We have all been faced with new sets of roles and responsibilities. As much as it would seem logical to be closer to family support, I have support here and for now I think it is more important to create stability and predictability for the boys and I. Besides that, we love Hinton! For as long as possible I want to try and make Hinton work for my family.

3.When am I going to start dating? Do I want to remarry?

This question has just started..at least out side close family. Actually Danny was the first to ask. Also one of Danny's friends at social function, casually asked.."So how are you going to get a new husband."

First of all, I'm fortunate enough that Gord and I had the conversation, what if one of us dies? We both encouraged each other and gave each other permission to remarry when the time is right. We both know there is great happiness to be found in marriage and neither of us expected the other to be eternally alone.

Being married was also the most gratifying work of my life. I know I am competent and able to have a loving, healthy marriage. This gives me hope and helps me to strive towards healing so that I am able to have this again. I have often thought that going through this grieving experience would be easier with a companion and support of a man but I have come to realization that intimate relationships can be challenging and hard work. So...I've come to accept that it would prudent to be patient and wait until I am strong and stable. When  I'm able to manage life fully again, I will date again with the hopes of remarriage. When will that be? ...I wish I knew.

I hope these answers bring you peace. I'm being very open to the grieving process. It often feels like a maze. I often feel disorientated and confused. My perceptions change daily. It's important for me not make any life altering decisions until my mind is able to make straight lines again. I appreciate all the people who care for me and want to support me in doing what is best for my boys and I. I promise you, I am doing my best.

I was Trained for This

When my sister first heard the news about Gord's death, she told me her first reaction was...

 " Not Jen, she has already been through too much, she won't be able to bare this."

The first part is true, I've had a good share of trials already. I won't dive into those today because honestly, I could write a novel about my past.

I have had the thoughts...

"Why me?"
 or
" This has really happened to me, this is really my life!"

But I've had another epiphany.

For the majority of my adult life, my mom has desperately tried to instill in me gratitude, especially in times of trial. I'd smile and nod, but it often didn't register. It was easier to be negative when life was hard.

However, for the first time in my life....I get it!

It has been in my darkest times, my most challenging trials that has armed me with a new strength. Sometimes you have to walk through the darkness to find the light, the gift. The gift is a new truth, a deep truth, an unshakable truth. It is in facing these darkest moments that the spirit learns how to survive.

I found a new truth....

My trials and suffering has been the most instrumental in forming my soul, my spirit. I have been equipped with something you can't learn from another person, something you can only learn through experience. It's clear to me that my struggles were like my practice, my training for the real struggle.. a tragic loss.

I have resilience!

I have resilience because I know how to push through hard times, have hope when things appear to be hopeless and trust that God knows what he is doing. I can look back and see how many times I have already overcome adversity. I know the drill... Be resourceful, find support, get educated, have faith and keep trying until I get where I need to be.

Also, I have the knowledge that God has already worked through my life many times. I have experienced many miracles. I believe in miracles!

Lesson  #1
Be grateful, especially for my trials because they have prepared me for this tragedy.  Perhaps I should also be grateful for this tragedy because logically; it is preparing me for something.

Lesson #2:
My mother has wisdom and I should be more open.

This is a First

Reflecting on my week I have to say it was busy, probably too busy. I am assuming another role right now, and the endless phone calls, errands around wills and estates is... endless. Please make a will, we were putting it off deciding on guardianship, I can tell you... any decision is better than no decision. You can always change it.

My nanny is my survival right now. Only with her I can find time to assume finances,  cover the role of both parents and settle all these issues. And on top of my very full plate I'm weakened. I'm trying to be with the process but truth be told; sometimes I just want to have a life again. So... in this past week I've many good moments, fun moments and healing moments. Then this afternoon after a wonderful visit from an amazing friend I crashed.

Before this life altering, earth shattering, heart wrenching experience life had momentum. For instance; a life full of friends, family, positive experiences, activity..would've sustained me, brought me energy, motivation and pushed me towards continuing to create a great life. Now....instead I crash. This afternoon I was overwhelmed with exhaustion and emotion. In these moments, I miss Gord so much. Where is my support? Honestly, I'm going through the most challenging time in my life and I don't have the one person who always knew how to support me, encourage me, strengthen me. 

As much as I love girls nights,yoga and visitors, I miss sharing my life with just one person. I loved being married. I loved having a best friend that was always there. I miss the every day.  I miss the phone calls from work when he needed a break and just wanted to chat. I miss being able to call him at work when I had 10 minutes I didn't know what to do with. I miss our evening wine and enjoying the boys together. I miss hearing his voice, our snuggles. It hurts.....it physically hurts, aches to be abruptly cut off from this relationship. Love is a chemical bond. A bond that makes you feel warm, comfortable, secure. I'm discovering that my body is going through as much crisis as my mind and heart.

I definitely never thought I'd be spending a Friday evening with a computer instead of a husband. 

And I keep being reminded of this truth that I am forever changed. There is no rewind button. This event is too life altering to hold onto any notion that I will ever go back to the person I was before this tragedy. So here I am, discovering this new identity, discovering this new life. And I am finding myself changed. Transforming is perhaps more accurate . I think it fits better too, transformation is a process. It takes time and you can't nail down when it' s done or if it is ever complete. Transformation also leaves me with the hope that although I will be different, I could be stronger.

Tonight I am witnessing transformation in my heart. Typically; I would be uncomfortable with the idea of being alone on a Friday night. I would feel the need to get on the phone and socialize. But tonight is different. I  feel drained...I feel content with the idea of writing my blog, having a bath and enjoy some ice cream with a movie. Tonight I'm ok with just being me. This is a first!

Blackbird

This is one my faves. Popped into my head. Can't stop singing it. I think I might have to pull out the guitar and play it.

It turns out his song was written about racial tension but I still find myself  identifying with it,

Blackbird - Beetles

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Is Grey OK?

I woke up this morning and I  felt lighter, something has lifted. It's like I've walked through a new door and I'm travelling a different road. Everything appears different.

I'm starting to see it's ok. I've accepted for a while that it was Gord's time to die. But I lacked a peace in my soul. A part of me still couldn't make sense of it all. I've been told to retell the traumatic event as often as possible because it helps my mind to understand it really happened. This story isn't one I just tell to anyone. I don't want to horrify anyone or take them to this place where they have to face this reality. A reality that something like watching your loved one suddenly die in front of you is something that can actually happen. I'm starting to realize that sometimes really disturbing things happen.

Recently my brother and his friend spent some unexpected time with me while I was sick. It was a privilege to spend time with two people that are so spiritual and have really developed a strong relationship with God. For those who know Chris and Hippy( aka Brian) you know that they met in seminary. Neither of them became priests but they are well formed in their faith.

One night they made themselves open and available to listen to my story. It's always strange telling it, I often feel like I'm retelling a movie. Usually at some point I'm revisited with the intense paralyzing feelings of shock. But this time was an improvement. I was getting through the story better. I expressed to them how powerless and helpless I felt. How everything in my being just wanted to save Gord. I confessed that I often wish I hadn't been so hysterical. That I just would've been with him in his last moments.

I'm starting to realize that it's ok.

What I'm about to share with you is very different. I'm going to share it to help you understand how what happened next helped me to heal.

After I shared my story and my feelings I noticed Brian seemed very pensive. I asked him to share what he was thinking. He hesitated... I encouraged him.

Brian didn't know Gord well, he had only met him briefly and didn't have any strong memories about him.

He said he kind of saw something.

He said he saw Gord walk across the room and sat beside us on the couch. He said he leaned back and extended both arms casually along the back of the couch.  In his laid back way Gord just said, " Don't worry about it, It's ok."

For those who know Gord, it's not difficult to picture him acting like that and saying that. Gord often had a way of making something complicated seem simple. And he's right. It's that simple. It's ok,

It's ok that he died at 36. It's ok that it happened suddenly. It's ok that it wasn't the most pleasant event. It's ok that I had an intense emotional response. I was loving him the best I could in that moment.

It's ok that I miss him, that I'm not always present to my children, that I'm not always available for friends or that I'm not the best daughter or sister right now. It's ok that I have half the energy that I use to. It's ok that I'm not perfect.

Not only do I have to cope with the feelings of  losing Gord, I also have had to adapt to enormous amount of change. Maybe I'm a bit deluded but I'm pretty sure my life was about at an 8 or 9 out of 10 most of the time that I was with Gord. He brought so much stability to my life. He was able to keep my mind interested all the time. Before I met Gord I use to rely on drama to keep me interested. He just had a way making everyday a thrill.

Now, I often find myself lost...bored...under stimulated. It's hard.

But today I had a thought...I can't change that Gord is gone. I'm starting to create new routines and a new normal. No matter what I do; life is lacking it's luster. But I'm starting to realize that it is ok. I'm so fortunate to have those nine years with Gord. I'm so grateful for the peace and joy he brought to my life. Not many people can say they lived life so highly for so long. So now my journey has entered a valley and it's ok.

I'm starting to accept what has happened, I'm starting to accept my new reality. I feel a burden lifting. I'm feeling peace in my soul. But the world still seems grey. Today I'm ok with life being grey.

This is my therapy!

My last post was a bit intense and for some shocking. Sorry.

It was very empowering for me to write my last post. To publicly release those feelings and claim my life has given my spirit a renewed energy.

This blogging experience is a bit of a ride in itself. I'm not always certain as to what my goal is or what I'm trying to accomplish or get out of this sharing experience. What I know for sure is that is always is therapeutic for me to write and it is exciting to share. It is rewarding to have responses saying that I inspire. That is absolutely what I'm out to accomplish. I can't control the pain, I can't change it, I can't bury it, but I if I use it then it has purpose. I want to use my pain to bless others.

I will admit, I'm not filtering what I write. I just flows out. It's real and it's raw. My intentions are not to alarm people or cause discomfort. But truth be told, this journey is not warm and fuzzy or very comfortable. I have contemplated how my words might reach others and I've worried that I might be imposing feelings on others. Then I decided I should leave that up to them. I've decided it's up to the reader whether or not they want to walk with me. I will also be honest and say that I'm using this blog to help me cope with my own feelings of isolation. Most people sympathize and most struggle to empathize. By leaving my heart out there I hope that just someone might empathize with my pain, Basically, I want to connect.

Facebook has been such a great coping tool for me. Believe or not; reminding myself daily that people care about me, think about me and pray for me helps me to keep going. I appreciate every like I've received on Facebook. It has been amazing to have so many from my past and present join me on this journey.

Also there are times where I have used Facebook and my blog as way to get people to reach out to me. There are so many times I think...I should just call someone...but I don't know who to call. I look my contacts and they just stare back at me. I convince myself that everybody's life is busy and I'd really rather someone call because they want to talk  to me not because they think I'm lonely and need company. This is not a guilt trip. I still appreciate all the phone calls I do get. I just want to be normal again. Just making the point that although it is very obvious that people appreciate all the inspiring things I post, sometimes I keep it real so that someone reaches out to me. It works!

So thank you, thank you to all those who have ever liked my status, sent me a text, a Facebook message, called me, thought of me,prayed for me. Thanks for inspirational quotes, songs and books. Thanks for all the ways you have all reached out. It all helps me to stay strong and keeps me  being the mom and person I need to be.

I commit to LIVE!!! TO LIFE!

To be or not to be...

This passage seems to run havoc in my mind this January. Initially I thought  I was much stronger than any suicidal thought. In retrospect, I'm grateful for the first few months of shock because in those early days I'm not sure my spirit could have endured the pain I face today.

I memorized Shakespeare's famous soliloquy in grade twelve and performed it with confidence. I thought I had depth..but I now realize that it was quite a surface understanding. I would be in denial if  I tried to convince you that is my first time I 've walked down this dark road. As a teen  I often believed suicide could be a solution or at least cause some to flinch. Some did. My twenties had many challenges as well.


But thankfully I have these experiences to build off of and remember that I overcame those adversities, that my spirit or perhaps by solely the grace of God I survived.

I have been saved!

Last night, one of many nights...I found myself travelling that dark road. I believed I was powerless and helpless to this pain, to my not so happy life. This journey reminds me of climbing mountains and you get to that point where you cannot imagine how you will take another step. You wonder how you do not collapse. But somehow; I would find myself choosing a tree and continuing and then to the next tree. And then I would get a second wind. I'm at that point of exhaustion, the journey just feels too impossible....

Last night I made a choice.

No matter how desolate, dismal or impossible this journey might seem, I 've decided to live!!!! No matter what; I will live. I will sit with the darkness a million more nights, and I will live. Somewhere's deep in my heart I know the alternative is worse. I know that in moments it might seem like I'm isolated, alone, weak and tired. But they are moments...

Last night, in my darkest moment, as I contemplated my existence, my life flashed before my eyes. My future....

My children, my friends, my family.There are so many more memories to make and so many adventures to be had. I get to watch my kids grow, I get to watch them live.  Life is worth living even with the pain.

There will be good times. There are good times today, This morning was the first Saturday I appreciated because I realized that it is on Saturdays that I bond the most with my boys. Between snuggles, tickles and pancakes we hold onto each other tighter than we ever have before. The love is greater, the meaning is greater. We know something we didn't know before. We are no longer innocent because everyday we know life is fragile, life is precious!

Psalm 23:4
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me."

The grace and blessings that find me are never when I expect or how I expect but they always come. I really felt like I was losing my resolve. Now I think it might be stronger than before.  Today and forever I reject ideas about suicide. I commit to you, my children and to my God that I promise to live. God be with me.

Journals

Oct 13, 2013

 I can see a trail ahead,
it's unseen, unknown,
looks daunting and full of shadows,
I fear to travel alone.
 I can't see past my fingers,
 I don't know where it goes,
 lost, dark...scared,
 unknown ending, darkness grows.
 The journey will be treacherous,
 each day I will grow strong,
even when I stumble,
 I will stand, I will go on.
 I will travel each step,
 some with help, some alone
 I have hope,
 I know one day,
 I will discover a new home.

 Oct 28,2013


 Yesterday was the first snowfall of the year. I had anticipated this to be a difficult first. Initially I found myself gazing out the window and getting lost in that feeling of peace but as the day pressed on I found myself experiencing intense heart ache, yearning and anguish for Gord.

 The first snowfall was always a real high in our household. Gord would of filled the air with a certain buzz...something great was happening. The ski season was starting. His child like joy was unique and special. I miss that about him so much right now. It was so hard getting through this day with out him. I felt very resistant to the day. If there was skip button for this day, I would've pushed it. A friend of mine enlightened me that I will have to go through every first at some time, might as well get some out of the way now. With life being so dynamic now, every second is fresh and new. And each day going forward is a another first without Gord. Right now every day feels like I've climbed another mountain. I feel like I'm trudging through mud and climbing mountains with out peaks, with out rewards. However, deep somewhere in my soul I know one day I will find a peak, I will find hope. A place of peace and acceptance. This is now my new dream.

 Oct 29, 2013

 Gord, I can't believe this really happened. I can't believe you are really gone from this life time on earth. I wonder where you are, and how you are doing. I wonder if you see us, if you miss us. I wonder if you cry with me, laugh with me. I feel like I stepped into a world with out you and it doesn't make sense. I know it is still a beautiful world, but you made it shine.

 Nov 3, 2013

 I feel frustrated and discouraged by the hard road ahead. Although there are times of reprieve, blessings and gifts. The road just feels endless at times and at times I don't know how I will take another step. As I look ahead all I can see is a million more steps. The challenges are unpredictable. Sometimes I do feel like is so unjust. Not only do I lose my safety, my security, my love, my children's father. I also lose my team player as a parent, my fun, my dreams.

 Nov 7, 2013

 Death is a part of life. I do believe in eternal life. Death on earth is threatening because mourning hurts. Suffering is a part of life too. From suffering we can grow, change and transform. It is only through enduring suffering that I will find meaning and clarity. I need to place my trust in God that with him I can survive this suffering; that it will not overcome my spirit. I need to believe he will be my strength, that he will shine upon me in the darkness.

 As much as this journey continues to feel so endless, I need to believe that I will find peace, meaning and understanding.

 Nov 12

 Red dawn opens the skies,
I feel like it's you touching my eyes.
 Like somehow a new beauty I recognize.
A connection to you,
a connection to life.
 Soul reaches behind to earths unending hymn,
 all the ancestors drumming, dancing, rain pouring in.
 Connected to the sunrise,
connected to the past,
 connected beyond the eyes,
a connection that will ever last.

 Nov 20, 2014

  Last week I resigned myself to believe that I needed to reduce my expectations in life so that I wouldn't have to cope with so much disappointment...

 Today I have a change in attitude. It's good to have expectations in life but the important thing is to adapt when life doesn't meet my expectations and accept that life won't always go my way. I still need to maintain expectations because it is the only way that my children and myself have any chance of living to our potential.

 Dec 30

 New years...my first thought was 2014 will probably be the worst year of my life. Goals...who needs to make goals at a time like this!

 Resolutions...what is the purpose of resolutions. I believe it is to try to create a better life to create a better person. I definitely want to focus on that for me and the kids.

 Sometimes I struggle with the dichotomy between idealism and reality. I have a natural tendency towards being idealistic. Its been a handy personality trait in the face of adversity. Optimism, positivity and hope has helped me to be resilient and thrive after suffering a traumatic grief. In the same breath, I have doubts, I question whether or not my dreams and hopes are giving me a false sense of security. I wonder if I'm setting myself up for further disappointment, more feelings of abandonment, loneliness and isolation. I try to analyze if the risk of set backs is worth the possible gain. What I continue to come back to is wait.........I swear the word patience goes through my mind every hour. Patience to be strong, patience to heal, patience to feel life's satisfaction again. I need patience to get through the pain and patience to pace myself when I'm feeling good. I need more time to process, more time to heal.

 It reminds me of being pregnant and you just have to bear through the nine months of discomfort and sacrifices and believe that there is light in at the end of tunnel. So..at the end of the day I think idealism and reality coexist. I can dream and hope for the future; and that is only way they can actualize. At the same time, I need to live in reality and accept the reality of today striving for the better life I believe in. I also need to accept that life will unfold as it should

. A quote my mom has said to me many times in life falls upon me.

 " Your hearts deepest desires is probably your deepest truth."

 Dec 31, 2013

 It feels like I'm living on a different frequency...where the ebb and flow of life is rapid and intense. I feel like I've been given new eyes. Maybe it's to protect my broken heart, maybe it's to help me heal my heart. I'm drawn to goodness, to joy. I feel like I'm being lead. Lead somewhere new, somewhere undiscovered. I feel like I'm beginning to embrace the adventure, beginning to embrace the gift.

The Only Cure is Time

Currently, I'm actively seeking joy, seeking life. I believe it what is best for my boys and me. I'm finding what I'm looking for; but somehow it's not enough.

 Today was an epic day for me. Such a high. I tackled another first and headed to the mountains for a day of snowboarding. Gord's passion was inspiring. I'm not sure I knew another person who could be so uninhibited in expressing his joy. I had anticipated one of those good/hard days; where there are moments where you enjoy the memories and moments where you weep the time that is now lost. However,...that was not what happened.

 Immediately I felt a surge of excitement. The mountain air, the soft breeze and mild temperatures aroused my senses. I felt like I stepped into a dream. Gord and I covered those runs so many times, it wasn't hard for my mind and heart to believe he was there with me. The imagination is a great gift when you lose someone you love.

 I swear I could him...

 Last year on our anniversary Gord decided to spoil me with new snowboard gear. So after a day of hitting the slopes we pulled into Jasper and proceeded to look for the best stuff. April 28th is a great time of year to invest in the high quality gear. Today for the first time I got to discover my new board and bindings that have the latest, most awesome technology.

 I could hear him... Jen, your new gear is so awesome, it's really improved your skill level.

 He would of been so pumped to see me try it out. So proud that he convinced me I needed the best.

I felt a new confidence today. It was fresh...I was so focused, energized and strong. I had less fear and there were no distractions, no negative head chatter. Just me. Free!

 ...But now I'm home, the kids are in bed. It's quiet. I'm making so many efforts. Efforts to be strong; to entertain my mind, to create new activities...a new normal. I read, watch movies,listen to music. talk on the phone, blog. But honestly it's not working.

At the end of the day, no matter what joy I might of found all I have left is a broken heart. I worked through so many issues. I have found so much understanding and acceptance. But it doesn't take away the pain. I've accepted that is was Gord's time. It was a natural death. I now accept not everyone is designed to live to be 85 years old. I'm no longer taking his death personally.

For my children, this topic was more difficult to grapple with. As a parent, you spend your days creating a life that brings happiness, security and health. As a mother, I've  always wanedt to protect my child's heart. A mothers worst fear is that their child would have to endure something traumatic. I never imagined they would have to bear the loss of their dad. To helplessly watch them suffer has been the most painful part of this journey. It was making me miserable,bitter, and angry.... But I knew that if I wanted them to have any chance at a good life, they needed a happy mother. So... I worked through it and realized that we will do the best we can to have the best life with the life we've been given. I've accepted that I will have to watch them suffer the loss of their dad over and over again. I also believe there is hope that someday we all be more resilient, more strong and more compassionate then people who have not endured a tragedy.

 I'm trying to embrace the journey instead of despising it. I'm trying to accept my new life instead wanting the old life back. I can rationalize how I should perceive everything, I can convince myself that I just have to be satisfied and make the best of everyday. But it's not working.

 Every night before I go to bed, my whole being just wants to experience that love again. All the spiritual connections can't seem to make up for the real thing. I'm no longer anybody's number one. I can't seem to find any consolation or comfort for this pain. Gord loved me fully , accepted me fully, made me and our children number one. We were his priority; his purpose. I don't understand how to find life's satisfaction and contentment with out it.

 Okay...I won't leave you with that thought. One thing I have discovered about myself in this tragedy is I have a strong will and and determination. I'm also a raging extrovert full of optimism. I've never been afraid to dream and I'm not going to stop now. I's sticking with the program. I believe someday I will fully live again, fully breathe again. I will persevere.

  I think what I need to accept now... is that only cure for this pain is time.

This ride

I ask for your patience as I try to learn how to run this blog. Gord was my tecnical man so now I'm left to my own devices. This trip is so confusing and unpredictable. One day I will awake and I will be plagued with deep heavy feelings. I will try and battle my way out of the hole. I will go for walks, reach out to friends, have a bath and there is no reprieve. My day appears normal, nothing that should trigger such awful feelings. But ofcoarse it is obvious what is wrong. Please don't misunderstand me, I never want to forget Gord, but this grief sucks. I've never been good with patience. I can remember as a gymnast teaching myself a back walkover before I had mastered the handstand. When I took piano lessons I would always go to the back of the book and learn the last song. In school I raced through each assignment and despised looking over my work. I've never appreciated the process; always just wanting the result. So really, it should come as no shock to me what I want to race through the grief. I am so resistant to the bad days and I'm always following the formula that should lead to me to happiness again, but I'm coming to realize that it won't matter how fast I try to travel this road, it is going to take as long as it needs to. I've read that the reason why grief is so unpredictable, so up and down, changing in intensity is because I have to process this traumatic grief both consciously and subconsciously. So there is often a disconnect between what I think, what I experience and what I feel. Although it is uncomfortable and often frustrating, I'm coming to accept that I need to settle in and ride the tide as it comes. Being resistent and frustrated definitely won't improve my mood but maybe if I just be where ever I am I'll learn that I will be ok. Today I was anticipating a bad morning, my kids have been sick and I'm having to deal with some heavy issues. But to my surprise I woke feeling great and loving this good feeling. On my good days I have a certain unusual strength I've never experienced before but I think it's just a gratefulness I couldn't have before I lost something so special. It's a paradox to be grateful at a time of such loss but it also makes sense because it teaches that nothing is permanent and therefore i have to embrace the now. So between good days and bad days I receive moments of blessings and enlightenment. I'm realizing it's time to embrace the adventure, to embrace the gift and have hope for today and for the future.

First step

Hi, Welcome to my blog. This is my fist step. Stepping out into the world. My husband of 7 years recently passed suddenly of a heart attack at 36 years of age. In an instant I became a single mother of 2 beautiful boys. My world has been rocked beyond my own comprehension. I spend my days wrestling with my new reality trying to find understanding, trying to find meaning. I find myself grasping and clinging to anything that will bring me hope. I have this gift, that has been dormant since my tumultuous teenage years. It pours out of me before I even have a chance to reflect. It is cathartic, an adrenaline rush, a high... to release. It gives deep satisfaction and brings new meaning to my life to know I may use this pain for good... to possibly inspire, provoke emotion...provoke thought. So, please feel welcome and invited to walk with me on this journey; be prepared for an adventure, an adventure of the soul.