This ride

I ask for your patience as I try to learn how to run this blog. Gord was my tecnical man so now I'm left to my own devices. This trip is so confusing and unpredictable. One day I will awake and I will be plagued with deep heavy feelings. I will try and battle my way out of the hole. I will go for walks, reach out to friends, have a bath and there is no reprieve. My day appears normal, nothing that should trigger such awful feelings. But ofcoarse it is obvious what is wrong. Please don't misunderstand me, I never want to forget Gord, but this grief sucks. I've never been good with patience. I can remember as a gymnast teaching myself a back walkover before I had mastered the handstand. When I took piano lessons I would always go to the back of the book and learn the last song. In school I raced through each assignment and despised looking over my work. I've never appreciated the process; always just wanting the result. So really, it should come as no shock to me what I want to race through the grief. I am so resistant to the bad days and I'm always following the formula that should lead to me to happiness again, but I'm coming to realize that it won't matter how fast I try to travel this road, it is going to take as long as it needs to. I've read that the reason why grief is so unpredictable, so up and down, changing in intensity is because I have to process this traumatic grief both consciously and subconsciously. So there is often a disconnect between what I think, what I experience and what I feel. Although it is uncomfortable and often frustrating, I'm coming to accept that I need to settle in and ride the tide as it comes. Being resistent and frustrated definitely won't improve my mood but maybe if I just be where ever I am I'll learn that I will be ok. Today I was anticipating a bad morning, my kids have been sick and I'm having to deal with some heavy issues. But to my surprise I woke feeling great and loving this good feeling. On my good days I have a certain unusual strength I've never experienced before but I think it's just a gratefulness I couldn't have before I lost something so special. It's a paradox to be grateful at a time of such loss but it also makes sense because it teaches that nothing is permanent and therefore i have to embrace the now. So between good days and bad days I receive moments of blessings and enlightenment. I'm realizing it's time to embrace the adventure, to embrace the gift and have hope for today and for the future.