Is Grey OK?

I woke up this morning and I  felt lighter, something has lifted. It's like I've walked through a new door and I'm travelling a different road. Everything appears different.

I'm starting to see it's ok. I've accepted for a while that it was Gord's time to die. But I lacked a peace in my soul. A part of me still couldn't make sense of it all. I've been told to retell the traumatic event as often as possible because it helps my mind to understand it really happened. This story isn't one I just tell to anyone. I don't want to horrify anyone or take them to this place where they have to face this reality. A reality that something like watching your loved one suddenly die in front of you is something that can actually happen. I'm starting to realize that sometimes really disturbing things happen.

Recently my brother and his friend spent some unexpected time with me while I was sick. It was a privilege to spend time with two people that are so spiritual and have really developed a strong relationship with God. For those who know Chris and Hippy( aka Brian) you know that they met in seminary. Neither of them became priests but they are well formed in their faith.

One night they made themselves open and available to listen to my story. It's always strange telling it, I often feel like I'm retelling a movie. Usually at some point I'm revisited with the intense paralyzing feelings of shock. But this time was an improvement. I was getting through the story better. I expressed to them how powerless and helpless I felt. How everything in my being just wanted to save Gord. I confessed that I often wish I hadn't been so hysterical. That I just would've been with him in his last moments.

I'm starting to realize that it's ok.

What I'm about to share with you is very different. I'm going to share it to help you understand how what happened next helped me to heal.

After I shared my story and my feelings I noticed Brian seemed very pensive. I asked him to share what he was thinking. He hesitated... I encouraged him.

Brian didn't know Gord well, he had only met him briefly and didn't have any strong memories about him.

He said he kind of saw something.

He said he saw Gord walk across the room and sat beside us on the couch. He said he leaned back and extended both arms casually along the back of the couch.  In his laid back way Gord just said, " Don't worry about it, It's ok."

For those who know Gord, it's not difficult to picture him acting like that and saying that. Gord often had a way of making something complicated seem simple. And he's right. It's that simple. It's ok,

It's ok that he died at 36. It's ok that it happened suddenly. It's ok that it wasn't the most pleasant event. It's ok that I had an intense emotional response. I was loving him the best I could in that moment.

It's ok that I miss him, that I'm not always present to my children, that I'm not always available for friends or that I'm not the best daughter or sister right now. It's ok that I have half the energy that I use to. It's ok that I'm not perfect.

Not only do I have to cope with the feelings of  losing Gord, I also have had to adapt to enormous amount of change. Maybe I'm a bit deluded but I'm pretty sure my life was about at an 8 or 9 out of 10 most of the time that I was with Gord. He brought so much stability to my life. He was able to keep my mind interested all the time. Before I met Gord I use to rely on drama to keep me interested. He just had a way making everyday a thrill.

Now, I often find myself lost...bored...under stimulated. It's hard.

But today I had a thought...I can't change that Gord is gone. I'm starting to create new routines and a new normal. No matter what I do; life is lacking it's luster. But I'm starting to realize that it is ok. I'm so fortunate to have those nine years with Gord. I'm so grateful for the peace and joy he brought to my life. Not many people can say they lived life so highly for so long. So now my journey has entered a valley and it's ok.

I'm starting to accept what has happened, I'm starting to accept my new reality. I feel a burden lifting. I'm feeling peace in my soul. But the world still seems grey. Today I'm ok with life being grey.