I need a T shirt that says this...

I'm thinking about having a shirt made, that would read something like this...

Are you working?
Are you going to move?
When do you think you will start dating?

I DON'T KNOW !



I went through a period where I was paranoid that all my friends, family, community and even people I didn't know were talking about me.... making judgement. Through counselling I realized I wasn't paranoid. That was in fact true. My councilor helped me to realize that most people were talking out of concern, some out of curiosity and some just like to have something to talk about.  I was able to identify that I only need to concern myself with opinions of those who care about me.

Ironically; I have blog now that exposes all my vulnerabilities. But now I figure, if there going to talk, I can use my blog to influence people's perceptions about me. It's working.

Truth be told, I have thought about all those questions extensively and have discussed with those I am closest too.

So here it is, for the benefit of all of you...those who care, who are curious and those who just want something to talk about. Hopefully this will benefit me as well, and give me the space to be where I am right now.

1. Am I working? When will I go back to work? Will I ever go back to work?

This is everybody's favorite.

I've started replying... I have the best job in the world. I am a parent! Being a parent is the most gratifying work of my life. Other than that....I will someday use my gifts and talents to serve others and contribute to society.

2. Am I going to move?

Are you kidding! Really!OMG!

The boys and I have spent the past four months adjusting to an enormous amount of change, including coping with intense overwhelming feelings, insecurities and exhaustion. We have all been faced with new sets of roles and responsibilities. As much as it would seem logical to be closer to family support, I have support here and for now I think it is more important to create stability and predictability for the boys and I. Besides that, we love Hinton! For as long as possible I want to try and make Hinton work for my family.

3.When am I going to start dating? Do I want to remarry?

This question has just started..at least out side close family. Actually Danny was the first to ask. Also one of Danny's friends at social function, casually asked.."So how are you going to get a new husband."

First of all, I'm fortunate enough that Gord and I had the conversation, what if one of us dies? We both encouraged each other and gave each other permission to remarry when the time is right. We both know there is great happiness to be found in marriage and neither of us expected the other to be eternally alone.

Being married was also the most gratifying work of my life. I know I am competent and able to have a loving, healthy marriage. This gives me hope and helps me to strive towards healing so that I am able to have this again. I have often thought that going through this grieving experience would be easier with a companion and support of a man but I have come to realization that intimate relationships can be challenging and hard work. So...I've come to accept that it would prudent to be patient and wait until I am strong and stable. When  I'm able to manage life fully again, I will date again with the hopes of remarriage. When will that be? ...I wish I knew.

I hope these answers bring you peace. I'm being very open to the grieving process. It often feels like a maze. I often feel disorientated and confused. My perceptions change daily. It's important for me not make any life altering decisions until my mind is able to make straight lines again. I appreciate all the people who care for me and want to support me in doing what is best for my boys and I. I promise you, I am doing my best.