Currently, I'm actively seeking joy, seeking life. I believe it what is best for my boys and me. I'm finding what I'm looking for; but somehow it's not enough.
Today was an epic day for me. Such a high. I tackled another first and headed to the mountains for a day of snowboarding. Gord's passion was inspiring. I'm not sure I knew another person who could be so uninhibited in expressing his joy. I had anticipated one of those good/hard days; where there are moments where you enjoy the memories and moments where you weep the time that is now lost. However,...that was not what happened.
Immediately I felt a surge of excitement. The mountain air, the soft breeze and mild temperatures aroused my senses. I felt like I stepped into a dream. Gord and I covered those runs so many times, it wasn't hard for my mind and heart to believe he was there with me. The imagination is a great gift when you lose someone you love.
I swear I could him...
Last year on our anniversary Gord decided to spoil me with new snowboard gear. So after a day of hitting the slopes we pulled into Jasper and proceeded to look for the best stuff. April 28th is a great time of year to invest in the high quality gear. Today for the first time I got to discover my new board and bindings that have the latest, most awesome technology.
I could hear him... Jen, your new gear is so awesome, it's really improved your skill level.
He would of been so pumped to see me try it out. So proud that he convinced me I needed the best.
I felt a new confidence today. It was fresh...I was so focused, energized and strong. I had less fear and there were no distractions, no negative head chatter. Just me. Free!
...But now I'm home, the kids are in bed. It's quiet. I'm making so many efforts. Efforts to be strong; to entertain my mind, to create new activities...a new normal. I read, watch movies,listen to music. talk on the phone, blog. But honestly it's not working.
At the end of the day, no matter what joy I might of found all I have left is a broken heart. I worked through so many issues. I have found so much understanding and acceptance. But it doesn't take away the pain.
I've accepted that is was Gord's time. It was a natural death. I now accept not everyone is designed to live to be 85 years old. I'm no longer taking his death personally.
For my children, this topic was more difficult to grapple with. As a parent, you spend your days creating a life that brings happiness, security and health. As a mother, I've always wanedt to protect my child's heart. A mothers worst fear is that their child would have to endure something traumatic. I never imagined they would have to bear the loss of their dad. To helplessly watch them suffer has been the most painful part of this journey. It was making me miserable,bitter, and angry.... But I knew that if I wanted them to have any chance at a good life, they needed a happy mother. So... I worked through it and realized that we will do the best we can to have the best life with the life we've been given. I've accepted that I will have to watch them suffer the loss of their dad over and over again. I also believe there is hope that someday we all be more resilient, more strong and more compassionate then people who have not endured a tragedy.
I'm trying to embrace the journey instead of despising it. I'm trying to accept my new life instead wanting the old life back.
I can rationalize how I should perceive everything, I can convince myself that I just have to be satisfied and make the best of everyday. But it's not working.
Every night before I go to bed, my whole being just wants to experience that love again. All the spiritual connections can't seem to make up for the real thing. I'm no longer anybody's number one. I can't seem to find any consolation or comfort for this pain. Gord loved me fully , accepted me fully, made me and our children number one. We were his priority; his purpose. I don't understand how to find life's satisfaction and contentment with out it.
Okay...I won't leave you with that thought. One thing I have discovered about myself in this tragedy is I have a strong will and and determination. I'm also a raging extrovert full of optimism. I've never been afraid to dream and I'm not going to stop now. I's sticking with the program. I believe someday I will fully live again, fully breathe again. I will persevere.
I think what I need to accept now... is that only cure for this pain is time.
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