To be or not to be...
This passage seems to run havoc in my mind this January. Initially I thought I was much stronger than any suicidal thought. In retrospect, I'm grateful for the first few months of shock because in those early days I'm not sure my spirit could have endured the pain I face today.
I memorized Shakespeare's famous soliloquy in grade twelve and performed it with confidence. I thought I had depth..but I now realize that it was quite a surface understanding. I would be in denial if I tried to convince you that is my first time I 've walked down this dark road. As a teen I often believed suicide could be a solution or at least cause some to flinch. Some did. My twenties had many challenges as well.
But thankfully I have these experiences to build off of and remember that I overcame those adversities, that my spirit or perhaps by solely the grace of God I survived.
I have been saved!
Last night, one of many nights...I found myself travelling that dark road. I believed I was powerless and helpless to this pain, to my not so happy life. This journey reminds me of climbing mountains and you get to that point where you cannot imagine how you will take another step. You wonder how you do not collapse. But somehow; I would find myself choosing a tree and continuing and then to the next tree. And then I would get a second wind. I'm at that point of exhaustion, the journey just feels too impossible....
Last night I made a choice.
No matter how desolate, dismal or impossible this journey might seem, I 've decided to live!!!! No matter what; I will live. I will sit with the darkness a million more nights, and I will live. Somewhere's deep in my heart I know the alternative is worse. I know that in moments it might seem like I'm isolated, alone, weak and tired. But they are moments...
Last night, in my darkest moment, as I contemplated my existence, my life flashed before my eyes. My future....
My children, my friends, my family.There are so many more memories to make and so many adventures to be had. I get to watch my kids grow, I get to watch them live. Life is worth living even with the pain.
There will be good times. There are good times today, This morning was the first Saturday I appreciated because I realized that it is on Saturdays that I bond the most with my boys. Between snuggles, tickles and pancakes we hold onto each other tighter than we ever have before. The love is greater, the meaning is greater. We know something we didn't know before. We are no longer innocent because everyday we know life is fragile, life is precious!
Psalm 23:4
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff comfort me."
The grace and blessings that find me are never when I expect or how I expect but they always come. I really felt like I was losing my resolve. Now I think it might be stronger than before. Today and forever I reject ideas about suicide. I commit to you, my children and to my God that I promise to live. God be with me.
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