This is a First

Reflecting on my week I have to say it was busy, probably too busy. I am assuming another role right now, and the endless phone calls, errands around wills and estates is... endless. Please make a will, we were putting it off deciding on guardianship, I can tell you... any decision is better than no decision. You can always change it.

My nanny is my survival right now. Only with her I can find time to assume finances,  cover the role of both parents and settle all these issues. And on top of my very full plate I'm weakened. I'm trying to be with the process but truth be told; sometimes I just want to have a life again. So... in this past week I've many good moments, fun moments and healing moments. Then this afternoon after a wonderful visit from an amazing friend I crashed.

Before this life altering, earth shattering, heart wrenching experience life had momentum. For instance; a life full of friends, family, positive experiences, activity..would've sustained me, brought me energy, motivation and pushed me towards continuing to create a great life. Now....instead I crash. This afternoon I was overwhelmed with exhaustion and emotion. In these moments, I miss Gord so much. Where is my support? Honestly, I'm going through the most challenging time in my life and I don't have the one person who always knew how to support me, encourage me, strengthen me. 

As much as I love girls nights,yoga and visitors, I miss sharing my life with just one person. I loved being married. I loved having a best friend that was always there. I miss the every day.  I miss the phone calls from work when he needed a break and just wanted to chat. I miss being able to call him at work when I had 10 minutes I didn't know what to do with. I miss our evening wine and enjoying the boys together. I miss hearing his voice, our snuggles. It hurts.....it physically hurts, aches to be abruptly cut off from this relationship. Love is a chemical bond. A bond that makes you feel warm, comfortable, secure. I'm discovering that my body is going through as much crisis as my mind and heart.

I definitely never thought I'd be spending a Friday evening with a computer instead of a husband. 

And I keep being reminded of this truth that I am forever changed. There is no rewind button. This event is too life altering to hold onto any notion that I will ever go back to the person I was before this tragedy. So here I am, discovering this new identity, discovering this new life. And I am finding myself changed. Transforming is perhaps more accurate . I think it fits better too, transformation is a process. It takes time and you can't nail down when it' s done or if it is ever complete. Transformation also leaves me with the hope that although I will be different, I could be stronger.

Tonight I am witnessing transformation in my heart. Typically; I would be uncomfortable with the idea of being alone on a Friday night. I would feel the need to get on the phone and socialize. But tonight is different. I  feel drained...I feel content with the idea of writing my blog, having a bath and enjoy some ice cream with a movie. Tonight I'm ok with just being me. This is a first!