In the early days of Gord's death I found myself crumbling with the all the changes happening around me. I went to friends for help but they were feeling ill equipped to help and a friend suggested perhaps I should try a mental health specialist. However, I had been told that a person should wait at least 6 weeks before they could enter grief therapy because the symptoms are so acute.
But it was all falling apart around me and I needed support... so I took her advice. The mental health councilor did tell me she would not be engaging therapy for many weeks but rather just help guide me towards more healthy living and choices. One idea that she continued to try and drill into my head was that I would never be the same and I could never go back to the life I had before when Gord was alive.
This was devastating news for me. Not only did I lose my husband but I lost my life; the way I knew it to be and myself......
I liked my life before Gord died and I liked who I was. I had a difficult time accepting this reality.
As the days and weeks continued I began to see to my councilors statement was true. I will never be the same and my life will be forever changed.
For those who have followed me on this journey it's fairly evident that I am quite different than I was 5 months ago. I blog, I'm a single parent, I rest every day. I enjoy my solitude! But I am still in fact me, now I'm just more developed, mature...evolved. I can look back and realize that when life is good we can coast. When life is hard we can grow.
The past few days I feel like I'm getting parts of my old life back. First of all, my kids are doing so awesome and they are such an inspiration to me. They are so real and so present. Today Danny was asking the nanny if she ever met Gord. She replied she often saw him at church. Danny said, " You would've liked him , he's a really great guy, everybody liked him."
Both Danny and Noah are happy, thriving boys. There is no way 2 months ago anyone could have convinced me that my boys would be doing this well. They seem to me to be as well adjusted now as they were before Gord's death. Amazing!
Seeing them thrive is giving me the courage to step out of my comfort zone and back into the world. Tomorrow I start volunteering in Danny's class one morning a week and I'm putting my name back on the sub list for teaching. I am so looking forward to getting back into the classroom. I always loved the change in pace, having all my focus somewhere else for the day. I also really enjoy working with kids. They bring so much joy. Initially I was just going to stick with the volunteering for about a month but my councilor encouraged me that I was ready for more. It definitely felt like a victory to hear her say that. I'm getting stronger, I'm getting my life back.
My councilor has been impressed with my progress. She explained to me inner strength isn't something that appeared as soon as Gord died, it was built before he died. I am strong now because I was strong before. I attribute this strength in large part to Gord. He made the boys and I strong because he loved us well. He taught me how to manage my emotions, he taught me how to problem solve and make good decisions. He gave me confidence. I also give credit to God, I did my part but the rest is grace!
I can see it now and I believe it now. I still have a good life and my boys and I will continue to have a good life. The future is no longer daunting, it's exciting! We have a new joy because we have learned what is truly important in life and we have many of those things. We are surrounded by so many people who love us and continue to reach out and show up in so many different ways. We feel loved! We have a beautiful home filled with many things that bring us joy. We live in a safe place that offers great education and health care. We can work, we can play, we can laugh, we can live, We can love!
I'm getting my life back and I'm in anticipation and excitement for what the future holds.
:-)
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