If I could tell him anything...I would say Thank-you!

This morning I entered the kitchen and it was still clean...

There is young widows bulletin board site I sometimes check out. More often than not it is plagued with posts of people that are not coping and are miserable. I feel so much compassion for these widows but I'm looking for something more positive and inspirational. About a month ago I did find a positive post from a widow who had lost her husband 6 months prior. She talked about how she loved herself again was loving her life. She came to appreciate her single life. I pondered, " Will I ever feel like that?"

She went on to talk about how she loved being able to do what she wanted when she wanted. She could buy whatever she wanted without checking in with anyone. Her house stayed cleaner, there was less laundry and food went further.

Here I am a month later and I do relate to much of her post. I do feel like I appreciate myself and my life more. I'm enjoying all these passions that are coming to life and I do feel a sense of pride for all I have overcome and all that I'm able to do.  I still have yet to appreciate the joys of single life.

 Gord had an amazing mind. But with every gift comes a weakness. For those who knew Gord well, especially those who worked with him you will also know him as the disorganized engineer. I always told myself that his inability to organize or often lack of focus was because his brain was so busy doing other things. It wasn't uncommon to find bananas with the pots and pans or a shirt in diaper garbage. Gord's mind simply.... was just somewhere else. I imagine his mind was probably trying to figure out how he would rescue the mine from an issue that wasn't going to happen for another year.

As a house wife with two little children this weakness took a tole on my patience. I believe I was fairly good with Gord , but in times of exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed I became impatient.

The reason I'm telling you all this is because today I would give anything to wake up to a messy kitchen. I wish I had spent more time appreciating what Gord was capable of instead of wanting more. He did so much. He helped with the kids. He carried Noah everywhere. He changed his diaper in the evenings and put him to bed every night. He helped with dishes, often did the groceries. He gave us his time...every night and every weekend. He paid the bills and assumed responsibility for all the finances. I could count on him to answer the phone at work when I needed an ear. He gassed up the vehicles, had oil changes done, filled up the windshield fluid, did the recycling, took out the garbage.  He shoveled the driveway, mowed the lawn. When my back was sore he would vacuum the house and assist with other household chores. Also I don't think I took the time to appreciate he got up at 5 am 5 days a week and worked his heart out so we could enjoy a comfortable life.  If I could talk to him now I would say....thank-you. I would tell him what an amazing man he was and that I am so grateful for all the ways he supported us and took care of  us. I would apologize for all the times I made him feel like he wasn't good enough. I'm balling right now as I type this.

For those wives out there I have a favor to ask. Please take a moment and appreciate all the ways your husband supports you. It's probably not just how you would like, but I imagine if he is anything like most men I know in my life, he is doing his best.

I am proud of all the ways I am succeeding at being a single mom, but I'm not ready to say I'm having fun doing it. I loved having someone to share the load with, to share the good times with and depend on in the bad times. I think I will always be of the group that believes two is better than one.