Sidelined!

Gord was fascinated by the real world. Anything and everything could be researched, discussed, analyzed, synthesized and evaluated. He loved observing ideas from many different perspectives and angles. To the rest of the world it seemed obvious that Gord's intelligence was at a level of being gifted, unique and abstract. For Gord...he had a different view. Gord's perspective was that he always had  more space, more room to learn...to acquire. He often confessed to me that although academics came so naturally to him; he really didn't believe he was the genius everyone believed him to be. He said he often felt overwhelmed about  how much more there was still to learn about, to understand. 

Real world drama and real world super heroes was Gord's true passion. Politics and prodigies!

 He was highly interested in the people of the world...that had it all figured out, had reached their potential.  From musicians to athletes to favorite writers and actors, Gord enjoyed learning and researching, analyzing and discussing these individuals at great lengths. He wanted to understand what separated them from the ordinary. What made them special?

Sidney Crosby...the epitome of today's modern prodigies. He was highly regarded during drafts picks. He went down in NHL history with the coined phrase, " The Sidney Crosby Sweepstakes."   His talent  and abilities at such a young age has astounded many. Gord also was amazed by Crosby's achievements.  He was Gord's real live super hero. Gord's idol!

Gord had a way of diving in and really imagining what life was like for the likes of people like Crosby. Gord thought he must be an exceptional person, a real man of character to carry all the pressure that would come with so much accomplishment and success at such a young age. 

On Jan 1, 2011, in the Winter Classic; Crosby was hit and it resulted in a concussion.  His head was shoved into the boards 4 days later. Evidence of a major brain trauma began to appear, symptoms began to escalate. He was off the ice for 11 months. 

Gord often talked about the this tragic event. It was also a real hit to hockey. Gord tried to empathize with this tremendous athlete. Full of curiosity, Gord would wonder, " Imagine what it must be like to be at the height of your dreams...to be experiencing so much success...to have the eyes of the world on you and it ends all in a second. How do you cope with that? How do you spend months just watching...sitting on the sidelines, waiting to recover and heal, so you can reenter the game?

This memory of this conversation has been sitting with me for months. I've been thinking about writing about this for months..but I hesitated. Writing about the most popular Canadian sport along with the most popular hockey player is intimidating...but I finally decided it was worth the risk. 

I often feel like I relate to Crosby, like I have been sidelined. I was at the height of my dreams, I was in a happy healthy marriage. I was coasting through life enjoying all the blessings that follow such a wonderful union. Life was relatively easy, I often had that blissful , carefree, warm feeling. I felt comfortable and secure. Being married to Gord was a heavenly experience. Along side of my children, being married to Gord was the best thing that happened to me. It was the happiest, most rewarding, most fulfilling time in my life. It all ended in a second... on a dime. Now I'm on the sidelines.! I watch married people all the time now. I notice things I didn't see before. 

Generally I'm not a person that struggles with social awkwardness...but now I do. At functions where there are many couples, I find myself clinging to my phone. I don't want to be that person but....

Couples have the luxury of relying on each other. In the lulls of conversation they can simply lean in to their spouse and have a quick chat. I notice how comfortable couples are with each other, how they communicate quite easily with just glances and shoulder shrugs. At the end of the night...their night continues, they go home together, swap stories, good news and maybe even annoyances. I go home...alone. I remember what I am missing.

I've been sidelined! I have to recover... I want a full recovery. It may seem like Crosby's  reentry into the game was perhaps premature. After only 8 games back on the ice, he found himself sidelined again due to reoccurring symptoms for another 6 months. There is value in waiting, in waiting for readiness, waiting for the healing to be complete. Like grieving, recovering from a brain injury doesn't have an end date or time frame. It's unpredictable, it's mysterious, it's unique to each individual. Improvement can be deceiving, you can feel like you are moving forward and then find yourself regressing back to similar symptoms experienced in the beginning. 

I miss being married. I want to get back to that place again. I want back in the game. I want to get back to the happiest time in my life. I know it will be different, I know it won't be Gord...but I know it could be good for similar reasons. It makes sense to me that I want this again. This single life is fine...but I know a healthy marriage, a good relationship is better. However, my heart is still healing...my heart is still with Gord. I'm still mourning him, grieving him. I'm still adapting and processing. I have to heal! It's hard to be patient, it's hard to watch, to wait. I know what I want...but I also know I want to wait. This has been one of my greatest challenges on this journey. The loneliness...the lack of companionship. I have to put in so much effort. To avoid these feelings I have to plan every weekend. Often times, plans don' t happen. Right now I'm planning out my whole summer so it doesn't end up feeling like one long dreaded weekend. This is so much work. Grieving is work, building a life is work, adapting is work, helping my children cope is work. However, it is important work. I know it is worth it, this is why I am motivated, why I am healing, why I am moving forward. I am motivated because I know what I want. I want to get back in the game. I am also trying to embrace the healing process. I can reflect and see that part of my healing process has been through writing, taking music lessons, Taekwondo.  This opportunity to rebuild myself, learn about myself...actualize my potential is happening now...while I walk this alone. Perhaps....when I meet someone new these coping tools will begin to fade out. This is a unique time in my life to pour my rich emotional world into developing my gifts...my passions. When I am healed I am going to have so much to offer. As a previous athlete I understand the value in conditioning, in rebuilding. The hard work, the training that can often feel unrewarding at the time, is the foundation of success. As a teen, I wish my coaches would of explained to me the value in conditioning, it would of helped me to be more motivated, more committed...a better athlete. But now I know!

Reflecting on Gord's words regarding Crosby's unfortunate injury brings me comfort. It helps me  to believe that somehow Gord knows and emphasizes with my trial.  That he understands how hard it is for me to sit on the sidelines. This brings me great consolation to think that my closest person could still somehow understand me, be there for me during this time.

“Going through (recovery) so long and making sure there wasn‘t still any underlying things and forcing myself to (be completely healthy), it might be a different story. Maybe I wouldn’t even be playing now. Looking back, as frustrating and long as it seemed, I am happy with the way that it went.” 
- Sidney Crosby

It was counter intuitive for this intense athlete to accept that he needed to rest. It was hard to stop when he was running full steam. But he did! He did recover! When Crosby did finally return a year and 1/2 later he was strong. He also talked about how he reentered with no fear of being re-injured. He was ready to play. Within a few games of returning he took a puck to the face and it broke his jaw but it did not trigger any effects from the brain injury. He was resilient! He was healed!

I know at the end of the day...some day...I will look back on this journey, I will be glad I climbed every mountain, I will be glad I worked through the grief, rebuilt my life, my identity. I will be grateful for the all that I learned, all the ways I have grown and I will be grateful for every moment I was able to share with Gord. I will be glad that I made myself strong and healed so that I will have the best possible chance of having a successful future. I will have the best chance of being resilient!

Pure Gold to Silver Linings

I've been dedicating the past months to making the best of this life. My brother used an analogy and suggested that I have lost my best card but I'm staying in the game. I'm making this hand work. Sometimes I still feel like I'm losing. On the other hand my mom likes this analogy because she thinks as long as I keep playing, there is a good chance that the perfect card could come and make my hand even better than I could of planned it.

I've already worked two days this week. Both were decent. Tuesday I still carried the after effects of the weekend at the cabin. The not so happy effects. The sadness and sorrow still flowed through me..but work kept me strong...positive...moving forward. I've also found a new passion in Taekwondo. I'm not aiming to be a black belt ninja but I have reveled in the intensity of immersing myself into the sport. Yesterday I tested for the next belt level, I felt accomplished. Today, working felt natural. I truly enjoy working, I like my job! I know I am fortunate to be able to say that.

Speaking with my mom this evening she pointed out that I haven't written in a couple of days. I assured her that I just don't seem to have the urge...the need to write as often. My mind seems busy...thinking about my kids, my weekends...my future. I'm starting to spend more mental energy living in the present and planning a future. This seems so promising...so hopeful.

But something is missing. I'm doing it all right...but at the end of the day...I know what I am missing. Tonight I watched the finale of American Idol. There was an assortment of performances from many popular bands, musicians and pop artists. The finale was the only show that I was guaranteed to have Gord watch the entirety. There were many performances tonight I'm sure he would of appreciated...I know there were also many he would've been a bit of a "Harsh Harry."

For me...I came to watch a finale of American Idol. I was feeling exhausted and I was looking forward to have something interesting to watch on TV. I settled in for what became a trigger fest. It seemed like every song was a love song. Lyrics talking about giving one self entirely, lifting off the ground. Song after song retelling my story...my story about Gord and I. A story that ended....but left so many feelings.

I can't forget the feelings. I remember what it felt like to have support, to have companionship.  I remember what it was like to be loved, to be held. to have someone to vent to, laugh with...cry with. I remember what it was like when I didn't have to plan my weekends to avoid loneliness and boredom. I remember when I had someone to plan a future with, to parent with. It was more rewarding, more gratifying and more satisfying.

I also stared thinking about all the other lonely people. I know there are people like me, watching the same show, crying the same tears. Missing a feeling..that they once knew. Why? Why does have it have to hurt so much? Why do we have to live without? Why do I have to live without? Why does there have to be so much struggle and fight? I fight...every day is still a push. I'm fighting to get back to place that made so much sense to me...but it is gone. What am I fighting for?

I'm fighting for hope...hope that life will fill me again...the way it did when Gord was in my life. I believe this is possible. I have to believe this is possible.

Tonight I can see that my life is generally going well, I'm moving forward and I am healing. However; I am coming to realize.... that I could have a sky filled with silver linings...but it is just not the same as gold.

Time Warp...same place...different world!

It was surreal, like stepping into a dream. It was a world I recognized...but somehow it wasn' t the same. I now realize that the cabin is like a second home. I was revisited with feelings of confusion, disbelief, numbness...shock! My mind was trying to adjust... however, this world...this place just didn't make sense with out Gord. It was jarring!

Everything was a reminder...everything was a trigger.

It felt like I was there just yesterday...my mind kept searching for Gord. I cried often...

The first night going to bed was similar to the first nights I slept with out Gord after he died. I couldn't sleep. I was cold. After sitting at the fire...my back was frozen. We use to hold each other on these nights to stay warm. WHERE IS MY HUSBAND? It's so dark out there, so many different sounds...the air was cool. I became paranoid...my senses became heightened...I heard everything. I was cold, terrified and yearning for Gord. I thought about sending a text to someone...but I was paralyzed. I was frozen... It was a night mare!

The following day...was a  calm comfortable day. I enjoyed the company of my family. They held me...many times. All day I continued to trip...be hit with grief...but I wasn't alone. I faced it! I confessed my sadness...how much I missed Gord...how confusing it was for me. It felt as if he had just died yesterday. My world doesn't make sense again!

I became numb. I couldn't  think...I couldn't feel. I started to fall. I began to slip into negativity. I could feel a heaviness come over me. I was in disbelief that I had regressed so intensely.I was in disbelief...nothing made sense.  I hadn't predicted this. I was trying to understand my new reality....Gord is not here!

This weekend had many great moments, great new memories were made; but so often...I just felt the void. I kept finding myself thinking...this is fun...this a great place...but it was better...with Gord. I felt single. My family is all married now...except me! The cabin is a place of romance...it's a place where you finally slow down...unplug...relax.

Today we all went for a walk, My brother and sister in law began to hold hands. They appeared so comfortable...happy. You could see a certain relief in them..They finally had time to just be. My first reaction...was to be so happy for them. It really does fill my heart with joy to see couples in love, enjoying each other...enjoying their marriage.

 However, today...my second reaction...was a wave of grief. It only lasted seconds...but it stung.

I've lost so much. It hurts so much to remember...it hurts more to yearn for him.

Despite all this grief, all the jarring triggers...feeling stunned and shocked...I still had a memorable, great weekend. There was still so much to enjoy, so much to celebrate...so much to be grateful for.

I truly appreciate my family. They are so desperate to be there for me. They can't wait. When there is an opportunity to support me, they dive in. It was amazing to feel so supported...so loved. I could fall...and someone would catch me, hold me...console me. For the first time in so long...I didn't have to grieve alone. They would listen...they really wanted to hear me talk...share..confide.

The heaviness did lift. By the evening of the second day I had found my grounding again. The world around me began to settle...already I was beginning to accept this new reality...I began to adapt. I started living in the moment. I embraced the sunshine, the birds, the view of the lake...I enjoyed company and happy hour. I loved watching the kids bond with each other, with the grand parents, with the aunts and uncles. The camp fire conversations the first night were full of laughter...or full of depth. We bonded! The second night, we continued indoors...the night was cool. When I went to bed, I drifted off to the beautiful sounds in the night...I felt loved..content. I slept 8 hours.

I feel a sense of pride in conquering another first. I know next time will be easier. I had no issues packing up, travelling and being a single parent at the cabin. The boys continue to  become more and more independent every year. I thoroughly enjoyed the drive. I live in a gorgeous province and music can be just as satisfying as company. I read an article that explained that signing releases a hormone called oxytocin, which produces positive feelings and reduces stress. It also enhances feelings of trust and bonding which also reduces feelings of loneliness and depression. Singing rocks! I sang all the way!

Monday morning...I packed up. I felt normal again...my world had returned. I made new memories...mourned passed memories and now I look to the future as I continue to build my new life. It was a time of pain, a time of healing...a time of grace.

Fire is burning!

Camp fires,family, friends, ...kids with their cousins from dawn until dusk. Laughter, drinks, food and lounging in the sunshine. I'm anticipating another first! Getting geared up for  a weekend at the Kinsella cabin. So many memories! It was a happy place for Gord. When I think of the cabin and Gord;... I think about the Margarita machine, Gord whipping up drinks for everyone. I can picture him carrying out trays of cups and straws to the camp fire , him beaming with pride with his creations. I remember on sunny days, tossing the kids in the water, going for boat rides...wake boarding...I also remember lounging on the beach during happy hour watching the kids play in the water. I remember walks in the bushes...sometimes late at night...to the rope swing. I remember parties, many parties...birthday parties! Bonfires...music...singing! I can remember dance parties when it was raining, game boards and even quiet days of just.. reading.  It's all coming back to me...and I can't wait to make the drive tomorrow with my boys.

Something has dramatically changed for me. It's amazing. I'm feeling the same, the same as I did before Gord died. I have the same energy...I'm having the same kind of days...the same kinds of thoughts...the same kinds of conversations. Today I had two conversations...just about life today. That was kind of big moment for me. I've stopped spinning...I feel grounded, peaceful and settled.

My family has also been anticipating this opening weekend at the cabin to be a big first...for them. Some of them expressed concern for me. I'm so ready for this. I told them I cope with firsts almost everyday.

I'm not afraid anymore. I no longer fear the sting of grief, the waves of grief and sometimes even floods of grief...I know I can handle it, cope with it, grow from it. It's changing! I'm more open to it...sometimes I welcome it. It's often a pleasure to remember Gord...even if it hurts. It is the oddest mix of emotions.

Now that I'm more open...more peaceful...my memories are filling out...my imagination is bringing my memories 3 dimensional...or maybe just to another dimension.

Last weekend I had the nanny booked  for Saturday night, but I didn't get as far to book plans for myself. I went to Saturday mass, all by myself...I still missed most of it...my mind was busy...somewhere else...processing. After church...I needed to pass time. I wanted the boys in bed before I came home.

My brother presented an interesting suggestion...He suggested I go sit at the bar in a pub. He told me to just go for a drink, order an  appy...if someone comes to chat, great... if not, whatever, enjoy your drink and go home. He said it can be a great way to meet new people...new single people. I told him..I thought only guys did that and that I am not looking! He assured me, girls do it too, and it's just a chance to meet new people.

Weird...I thought. I never imagined this. I  never thought I would be contemplating going to the bar by myself to meet people. I think I need to wrap my head around this ....but I like the idea of being able to socialize on a Saturday night without needing to rely on others to get out. I posted this idea on the young widows site for feedback...Interesting; guys encouraged me and girls were skeptical...protective, although some said it's a great idea...just be careful.

For now, instead I decided to drive. Driving and music...the best. Driving towards Jasper is sweet too, especially at dusk. I love how the mountains become soft...faded, quiet!

My imagination, my memory is strong. It's amazing what the mind can recreate!

My mind began to wander...I found myself thinking about Gord. Drive time in the van was our break...the kids were contained, I can picture us with coffee, music...and then conversation. I could picture him right beside me. I could imagine him with his black cap, his favorite green shirt. I can really remember his blue eyes. I could imagine his mannerisms, his smiles and his laughs. I could feel his quiet, calm presence., I could imagine his enthusiasm, his energy.  His disposition,so laid back...yet happy and cool. It was like he was right there.

But it hurt....I wanted more. I began to weep...I was desperate for more...to hear his voice...to feel him hold my hand...to really see his eyes and hear his laugh. I stayed with it though, I stayed with the memory...I didn't push it away. I didn't want to. I held on...even with the pain.

A month ago I was overwhelmed at the idea of packing, hauling the boys out of their environments for the first time in 8 months. I lacked confidence that I  could cope with the stresses of being away from home. However...now I want it, I desire to take it all on. I can do it, I can manage it. Even if it is stressful...I'm willing to put in the effort. I guess... this what ":ready" looks like!

 This weekend I'm heading to one Gord's happy places. It's one of my happy places too.  I look forward to sharing these happy memories with my family. I'm hoping to mostly feel his presence. However; my heart is ready. I know that there may be sorrow...but for the first time in a long time.... I won't have to cry alone.

I expect this weekend to be healing...healing is often hard work. It demands perseverance! It means hanging in there...even when it hurts.

At least the fire in our hearts...can burn together!

It will be interesting how it all plays out. I welcome the adventure!

Hard Costs!

Hard costs! What are the basics? What do I need? What do I deserve? What do I want?

I was at height of my life. Everything I  had... seemed to have fallen together so naturally. I was so relaxed and content. Life was easy! I was not protecting my heart. I was carefree...I could be...I trusted Gord completely and fully. I had given my heart completely... I wasn't holding back...I wasn't hiding. I was in love...

Such an amazing thing to experience...when two souls can live so closely....like one...and share their world. I thought having this relationship was saving me from ever needing to try.... to have this again. I thought...I was done with trying to find someone. I loved the idea of never being alone...of having one person...that loved me. I imagined forever. I really thought with my entire being that Gord and I would make it...much longer. I thought my family would beat the odds...of being a statistic. I thought my boys would always have two parents that loved each other, that wanted to be together...to raise them together. It was a dream of mine that my children would have both parents...consistently in their lives...everyday.

It's gone...all of it. All these dreams...died with Gord in an instant. I'm alone again. My children have only one parent. We have been traumatized.

It's not fair. WHY??????

This happens...life isn't fair. I'm not the first person...to lose my dreams in a second. It happens to many...all the time.

Is dreaming worth while then?....If it can all end on a dime, should I try. Should I dream?


Lately...a new word continues to revisit my mind. I resist it...it means patience, it means letting go....it means acceptance. The new word that follows me....infuses into my soul, into my spirit...is humility...

I need to be humble. I  need to be grateful, for what I was able to have and what I still have now. Gord was never mine....I got to share an amazing relationship with him for 10 years. But I didn't earn it, I didn't deserve it...it was a gift. If I choose to have a sense of entitlement then I will feel ripped off for the rest of my life. Feelings of disappointment and sadness is the response to loss.  I did lose Gord, but eventually I have let go of that past, I have to let go of the loss. I have to accept that life won't always go my way or the way I  imagined it. One day, I purged all my emotions to my councilor. I expressed freely how Gord loved me unconditionally, we loved each other unconditionally...I could not believe I lost this. I still often experience disbelief. She responded and informed me that finding unconditional loved in a marriage is one the most gratifying, rewarding, wonderful experiences a human can ever experience.

 I found it...one of the greatest treasures on earth. It's lost!

This is just my internal world....I'm still processing....all the time.

I miss venting, debriefing...I had someone who I could share everything with...even those things you shouldn't say, those things you shouldn't think...I could still share them with Gord. You know those thoughts...those thoughts about others, yourself...life...Secrets...you would only share with that person that cared for you entirely...cared for your soul.

I'm a talker. I work things out by talking.  Sometimes I just have to sort things out on my own now. I'm also starting to keep a private journal for those thoughts that need attention but can't be discussed with others. You know those private thoughts...I just use to share with my spouse.

My internal world still demands so much attention.

However, my external world...is opening up. There is so much about my life I still love. I'm really loving substitute teaching. It is stimulating to have a new reason to get out of bed,  to get dressed up. It's a great change of pace. It gives my days and my life focus. I love kids! I love a challenge! I love socializing! I also love to be able to leave my responsibilities at work and come home and be able to be present to my boys. I love just working a little and having days at home too. Down days are also awesome for so many different reasons. It's giving my life more balance, purpose, and it's providing me a greater sense of identity.

I really enjoy my kids. I'm discovering I have way more energy...and I'm so much more engaged with my boys. I feel so privileged to play such an instrumental role in forming them...in helping them grow...in watching them become independent, wonderful boys. When I am with them... I am present. They bring me so much joy...so much life. Their love is so pure, uninhibited and full. It fills me with love.

I have filled my life again with so many people and activities...there is just so much to do and enjoy. I'm discovering how to live without having a husband. Families include me in many activities...I find plenty of adult time. I am closely bonded with many people. I have rich relationships. I'm discovering I have single connections, I'm realizing that I do know single people..I'm starting to network.  I love to be active, I love to be outdoors, I love music and I love to write. It's working...there are many times...even just today that I feel like I love my life again.

How can I feel so devastated and enjoy life at the same time?

My heart is still mending...my mind is still processing...but I'm starting to dream. I'm really beginning to find hope and purpose.

I'm also adapting. I'm starting to feel confident and strong...even as a single mother. I've been doing this for almost 7 1/2  months and I'm starting to believe that I'm not just ok...I'm starting to believe I'm happy...content...perhaps even excited.  I can do this! I can depend on myself to find my own happiness. I can create my own happiness, I can create new dreams! This feels empowering! It feels like I'm moving forward...like I'm healing.

I'm starting to believe again. If I found unconditional love before...I will be able to find it again. I am feeling like I can be patient....just having the confidence that life will at some point in time provide the opportunity again.... I can wait for good timing...the best timing. I can wait for the right person. I am in no rush. I'd rather do it right again.... and wait. In the grande scheme of things...this just happened... and I still have a full life ahead of me.

We don't always get to decide how our world unfolds. Sometimes it can all change in a second. I invested 10 years of time, energy and love....Is it worth it to invest, to dream...to try...even if you might lose it all? Is it is worth the price? The cost?

Absolutely, I wouldn't trade one minute with Gord to avoid this tragedy. I would do it all again! It's all worth it. Life is worth it! The pain is worth it. Loss is worth it. Just to live...to experience your dreams for even a second...it's worth it. At the end of the day...I won't be thinking about what I lost...I will think about what I have gained, what I have learned...what I have experienced. All of it! There is a higher cost...a larger loss of not investing at all.

I often feel the absence of Gord...the absence of love.

But somehow...my spirit has hope and believes there still a life ahead of me. I'm not afraid to live...to love! I know it is worth it! There are hard costs in life, but somehow...there is always something gained.... it is worth the price!

Sensational Sunday!

                                                                                                                                                                           

I had an amazing Mother's Day.  From beginning to end....I was in a state of happiness, contentment and peace.

A friend and her two little boys joined me for a road trip to Jasper. Little jaunt for us! Her husband met up with us for brunch at the Sawridge. The spread of food just kept going...I thought...Gord would of loved this. It felt so good to hang out with another family. The boys were entertained...but busy. Just felt good to be dressed up and somewhere special. After brunch, we headed to the pool where the boys did endless trips up to the water slide. Noah needs a buddy with him to go down the slide, I think him and I made about 30 trips. The last time I went, I remember I felt frustrated that my husband wasn't there to do a shift with Noah, this time I thought...this is a good chance for exercise and time with my boy.

It was relatively early as we climbed out of the pool, Aralyn suggested to check out the new sky walk. It was an hour drive and I hopped at the idea of doing something spontaneous. Yay! More road trip! I thoroughly enjoyed my conversations with Aralyn that day, the boys remained entertained. The mountain tops were so thick with snow. I love the contrast between the stark white snow and the clear blue sky. Just brilliant!

In our travels on the park way we saw plenty of wild life as they greeted the spring air. We pulled over on the high way to bear watch. Thrilling...I love watching nature. Music, friendship, mountain views, sunshine....I was feeling in love with life...with my world. I started dreaming. My friend is a world traveler...they always have a trip booked and more dreams on the horizon. I thought....I want to travel! I started imagining what that would look like as a single mom. Hmm...I thought maybe BC this summer..go see family. A friend suggested I consider a Disney Cruise in the fall. ( could be good trip as a single mom) It`s definitely got my wheels turning.My world is opening in front of me...and I'm getting excited! We even talked about the possibility of  some day maybe...joining them in some of their world adventures...Why not???? OK, OK....I know I'm getting ahead of myself here...but it is good to dream. It makes your heart beat faster...it makes you feel alive!

The sky walk was an experience. Generally; I'm not afraid of heights...but it was different. Definitely got my heart pumping. The views were spectacular and it was interesting to witness these mountains from different angles. Walking on glass along side mountain tops is a bit of a rush. My boys had no fear...they just loved it. Lying on the glass...they would crawl...they were in pure amazement! There were walky talkies given out to hear more about the glaciers, ice fields, mountains and history...I passed...I had kids to chase...but my friends husband followed along. He told me that the glacier at the top of one of the mountains was 100 meters high. That is like 10 houses. Crazy right!

Then I drove home. We left that morning at 10 am and got home around 8 pm. Full day, I drove...there was tons of activity...and I loved it. I anticipated today to be a recovery day...I seem to need them.

Pleasantly surprised...I feel awesome, rejuvenated, energetic and motivated!

Unfortunately; Danny doesn't share the same feelings. He has been battling strong emotions all week. The lead up to Mother's day has been challenging for him. They are talking alot about Father's day at school too. Yesterday morning, Danny became overwhelmed with emotion...he wanted to express himself..but all he could do is cry. I tried to console him. I told him that even though dad isn't here, I still know he loves me, and that dad always made me feel like I was a special mom. I also told Danny that him and Noah make me feel special all the time too. I tried to tell him we were going to have a great day. He still...just felt sad. He had a good day...but there were times emotion just took over...once he starts crying it's hard to stop. He is hyper sensitive sometimes...what may seem insignificant to others...provokes strong emotion in him. I'm grateful that I have been feeling stronger lately...Danny's heart is broken right now...

Last night before bed Danny was telling me he really wants to go to heaven to visit dad. Me too I told him...but I also told him that we are lucky to still be alive and there is still so much to enjoy here first. I told him his dad would want him to have a good life here first. But he wasn't going to be convinced that easily. I asked him what he would like to do with dad in heaven. He replied, " Play video games, go for a bike ride and then I would just tell him... I love him."

Seems like a simple request. I've often thought...actually I wrote a song shortly after Gord died called..."Just One More Day." Like Danny, I would also love one more day with Gord. I wish we could make a road trip to heaven. But I know....that one day...would never be enough.

Our hearts continue to long for Gord but I'm also really beginning to embrace my new adventure...I'm beginning to adjust to single life. I'm finding out that I have so many people to share this life with. It's not the same...it's not Gord...but it can still be good. If I could go visit my husband and just have one more day with him..I would and I would bring my sons. But I can't. We have to live out our life here first. There is a beautiful world out there...full of people, full of adventure...full of beauty and wonder to enjoy.

Perhaps....I'm the lucky one!

Mixed emotions are swaying in my mind. I try to grab hold...of just one thought. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Another occasion...another special day, I have to celebrate without Gord. A part of me feels sorrow, however... another part of me feels grateful, special...in some ways I feel like the lucky one. I get to still be here..to be a mother to my children everyday.

I get to hold them, see them...share with them...talk with them..play with them. I get to experience their love. Tonight a friend was signing a card. She has four kids and says she gets tired of writing all their names. Humbly...I reminded her...you get to write all their names. In the past 2 weekends we have gone to 4 birthday parties including Noah's. I have had to sign 4 cards with only 3 names. It stings a little every time. Today we went to two birthday parties and today I found myself thinking....at least I can still write my children's names.

I'm alive..my children are alive. I just don't want to spend the whole day experiencing sadness...when there is still so much to celebrate. I love being a mom. It is an amazing opportunity. I love my mom. She is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known...and she is still alive. I have so much to celebrate.

One thing I often miss the most in my life is simply....feeling cared for everyday. Gord cared for me everyday. Tonight....I feel cared for. People in my life continue to intentionally go out of their way to take care of me. It really does make me feel loved...it makes me feel special...it reminds me I'm cared for. Tonight the door bell rang...they expected me to be out...but I was home. A huge heavy gift bag was being lugged in my house by a lady from church. She asked for my boys...but they were already in bed. She explained that she had thought I was out and had really wanted my boys to sign  a card and it was suppose to be from them. Honestly...that is just so sweet. Melt my heart! She said that there were many that contributed. I am overwhelmed with this! So unexpected, so thoughtful. I know it will touch my boys too. As well, a close friend took it upon herself to plan and book reservations for my family to join her family for brunch in Jasper tomorrow, followed by time at Miette hot springs. People really care. That kind of feels amazing at a time like this.

I think one of the key reasons why I love to be a mom, why I feel like I can be proud as a mom is because I had someone always standing behind me, always lifting me up...always challenging me to be more than I thought I ever could be. In this letter I want to recognize two key, special individuals in my life.

Gord...was my biggest fan! He use to refer to me as "Mom of the year!"

Every time I had a good story about the boys, Gord would pipe up and say," Time for another mom of the year award."

He made me feel like I knew what I was doing. I would often come to him with ideas and he would simply affirm me and encourage me. He also believed the best in our boys...so even if it seemed like it was all falling apart...Gord had faith in all of us. He always brought me to reality...as a  mom I was prone to worry...sweat the small stuff. Gord helped me to keep the big picture, the larger goal. He reminded me... in the end...according to him...we will have great kids!

I know Gord is still cheering me on...I know he is still proud of me. In many ways I have had to accept that I can't be the same mom I was before Gord was alive but in many ways I can see that...in some ways I have become more. I now know what I truly want for my children. I just want my kids to have full, rich lives...where they feel empowered to be who they want to be, achieve what they want to achieve. I want them to feel loved and at home in their world. I expect them to be kind and loving. I expect them to be their best. Whatever that looks like for them! I want them to find contentment and satisfaction in life. I know that contentment isn't  about always getting what you want...it comes from being satisfied with what you already have....being grateful for all the blessings in your life and feeling hopeful towards striving for dreams. I want my kids to be resilient, to stay strong against adversity. I want them to love themselves fully, even with their imperfections. I want them to feel satisfied with themselves. I think these values will help them to have a good quality life. I don't play as much with them as I use to..but in someways...somehow I think I love them more fully. I really appreciate the gift they are to me everyday! Even on the bad days. I will take the bad days! They are worth every minute!

My mother is also a key player in my story, in who I am, in what kind of mother I am today. She has been there since the beginning and knows my spirit, my soul. I'm so fortunate that my mom and I have a close bond. She has also empowered me in my life. She has really encouraged me as a mom and makes me feel like I'm a good mom. She has formed me in so many ways...that I will probably never fully comprehend. I know she has carried me in her heart, in her prayers everyday of my life. I'm am so fortunate to be so well loved by her. Especially the past 7 months...I know she has thought about me, prayed for me,cried for me, loved me and helped me every single day. I feel so grateful for all that she has done for me...I really wouldn't know where to begin.

A part of my soul aches knowing that Gord won't be here tomorrow...but a part of me just feels loved. My boys and I are alive today...and that is an amazing gift. Today I'm going to savor the joy of being a mom. Gord is not here to show me all the ways he cared for me...but it seems like..I am still well cared for.

I love you Gord, thank you for helping me to be all that I am.

Happy Mother's Day mom. I love you. Thank you...for everything!


You Raise Me Up - by Josh Groban
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ&feature=kp

Learning the value of independence!

How do I go from two to one? Over night! It happened so fast. We were a team! For good reason...we needed each other. Every day lately I've been stumbling in life discovering all the ways that Gord supported me...made up for my weaknesses, my inadequacies. This is so humbling...to find out how much I have to learn..how much I have to be responsible for. He was so darn smart. I really relied on him...probably more than I should of. He was always challenging me...I can hear him.

"Jen, you should try and learn this...you could do this...you never know when you might have to do this on your own."

I would always look at him...and think...why do you always say that?

But it was so much easier...convenient to let him cover those bases...those areas that came so naturally to him.

This week I broke a large drawer...the roller broke. I didn't become overwhelmed; however...I was frustrated because I had no idea how to fix it or even what part or tool I would use. But I did think...I have friends who might have a clue. The hard part is accepting that they are all busy with their own lives and it might have to wait. Then the next day the wii remotes stopped working...all 4 of them. I HAVE NO CLUE!  I'm trying to stay rational...meanwhile Noah thinks the end of the world is coming again. Again...I reached out to a friend...and I suggested we wait a day...because from my experience; technology can just be weird that way. I was right. They all work fine now. Honestly!

Today I was going to buy a MacBook Air, I decided it would be a good self gift for Valentines Day, my birthday, my anniversary and mothers day. I know Gord would be supportive...as it supports my interests...something he would always encourage. So again, I'm calling the same friend for the third time this week to help me...again(thanks Aralyn). She's giving me the down low on the info I need to decide about making this purchase. I finally get to the point of purchasing and they need my apple ID and password. It's all under Gord's info. I don't know the password. I don't know how to even change this. His email is terminated.

Obviously...I probably just need to talk to an Apple tech support...but guess what.... I've lost all motivation. I'm feeling discouraged. I just want my husband back...everyday I still need him. For so many reasons.  I need his support with the kids, the house, the electronics, the finances, making decisions, solving problems, fixing things...loving me, holding me...affirming me....just someone to talk to. Everyday...these little reminders...trigger grief, humility and often frustration.

When Gord was alive I can remember thinking...I really have it all. Gord and I really felt so much satisfaction in our family life. We were so proud. I often felt like all my dreams had come true. We were so content just being together. Yesterday I was chatting with my dad about how my evenings have become challenging again. The kids go to bed...it should be my time. I've built a life in the evening...but it is so unsatisfying...I fall...I slip fast....I become discouraged and sad. I used to have it all...and it all... was shattered!

I think one of the reasons my nights are becoming more difficult is because I'm getting stronger and I'm needing more stimulation. Gord was so stimulating. My dad told me he had never met a couple that chatted as much as Gord and I. Gord and I use to chat for hours in the evening. Not just average chit chat . Gord could make anything fascinating. American Idol...he really didn't care for it, but found a way to make it so interesting for himself. By the time he researched all the judges, the back stories, the history of  previous idols, he convinced himself it was interesting. No matter the activity...watching the kids, going for walks, while we were reading, on computers...watching TV. There was always conversation. OMG....TV, reading and computers are so  not stimulating now, especially American Idol. It can't seem to hold my attention. Movies are better...but they have to be highly entertaining or thought provoking. I've decided to try and take up guitar lessons again. I think it might be good to be more constructive with my time. I need to curb the loneliness, I need to be proactive.  I often struggle with motivation in the evenings but I'm hoping if I push myself it could become routine. My councilor thought it was a brilliant idea, she explained to me that playing music is so therapeutic and promotes healing of the brain. She assured me that doing creative, constructive activities really improves brain functioning and would be helpful for brain processes involving memory and thought processing. Sounds good to me!

She also challenged me to consider other creative activities like gardening and cooking. I guess gardening is the most preferred activity in North America, my councilor said that it is also considered to be one of the most therapeutic and healing. Good to know!

I explained to her in my last session that I'm really coming to understand that nothing can fix the pain. The void can't seem to be filled. Again...she challenged my perspective and helped me to see that there is so much that I'm doing that is helpful...there is so much I'm doing that is helping me to heal. She assured me I have done so much healing. She also reminded me that this is all still so fresh... in the grand scheme of things...this just happened!

I felt encouraged. I've come so far...I've claimed my healing... I don't want to be a victim to my circumstances. I want to heal.

I have to be prepared to keep pushing through, I'm not there yet!....It's so hard, everyday...I feel so deprived. Like I'm starving....for my husband. But I am mending my heart...and I'm leaning how to be two parents, how to live with the grief, how to be alone. In one of my first blogs I wrote that...." Life is worth living, even with the pain."

 This is still true! It helps that I have hope to be healed. It helps that I have purpose. It helps that I can use the pain for positive purposes. It helps to believe that there is always a greater good!

I had a great chat with a friend tonight. She reminded me of all that I have going for me. I remembered that my little family really has the odds stacked against us to succeed. Our circumstances could be so much worse. There are so many young widows that are not set up financially, I could have been forced to go back to work right away, put my kids in full time day care when their worlds had already just exploded. I'm educated, resourceful and healthy. I have family support plus I have amazing support in Hinton. I can afford a nanny which has provided me the ability to self care and start healing now. Many young widows have to set aside their grief to put all their energies into their family and work I am so fortunate.

I felt so encouraged to hear her say that I'm on the right road, I'm healing, and we are all going to be OK...that we can only go up from here. It's OK to be sad...to be frustrated, it's going to happen...the important thing for me to always remember is that we are making the best of this life...we have rich and full lives that will continue to grow and blossom into new dreams. We have not chosen misery...we've chosen life! We have chosen to still see all that we have instead of being miserable for what we don't have. Gord is gone, we had no choice...but that doesn't bring him back and being miserable won't bring him back either. Life is going to continue to throw curve balls and remind me that I have to do this on my own. I can either accept it or resent it. I'm certain that accepting this change will help me and my family to thrive.

Gord was always challenging me towards independence in all aspects of my life. The great thing about marriage...is you get to depend on each other. At least that is what I use to think. I think I had to lose Gord to finally understand what he was trying to teach me.

The more skills you acquire, the more you can are capable of, the more you challenge yourself to cope with your own problems...the more you can take ownership and responsibility for your own life; the more empowered you will be.... if you have to do it on your own. When my friend came over to fix my drawer...this time I asked her to teach me everything she could about what she was doing...so that perhaps,  next time something breaks I can think....I have an idea of what to do. I think I often still get stuck in thinking that I need Gord to survive. However...it has been over 7 months since he has been here and well...I'm still alive. Alive and well! It seems that I have been solving all my problems.....sometimes with the help of others...but without Gord. It doesn't change the fact that there is a part of me that may always wish he was here...but now I know for the past 7 months I have been doing this on my own, I guess now I know that I can do this...all on my own! When I am faced with this new role...one I didn't sign up for...I feel tempted to feel resentful, miserable...but I know, being miserable will not serve me or my children. I need to accept my new role!

I'm moving forward...from two to one!

Amazing...I started this blog feeling discouraged...somehow I'm now feeling inspired. Awesome!

Waves of grief and Waves of Grace!

I'm rebuilding a a life, rebuilding myself...but sometimes at the end of the day I wonder why...

I had received many affirmations yesterday. In fact, I can't remember a time when I received so much positive feedback. I taught... everyone seemed to have a positive comment for me...regarding my outfit, my hair , my jewelry. I felt happy and I was glad to spread the joy. Teachers were asking how I was holding up. I genuinely could say, " I'm doing well, as well as I can...I embrace the good days, push through the hard days...my kids are thriving...life is a good as it can be."

 It feels amazing to say that...and mean it!

The grade 7 teacher whom I had subbed for, my first day returning since Gord's passing, called again last night. She expressed her sincere gratitude for my day with her students a month back. She said she appreciated the compliments I left about her class...She said she was impressed that the day had gone so well for me. She booked me for another day!

After an evening at Taekwondo my instructor made a point to ask me to stay at the end of class. He said he was impressed with my progress and asked if I wanted to test for my next belt. He shook my hand and told me he was proud of me.

My recent blog entries have been receiving positive feedback. People are expressing to me they are enjoying my writing...

I should have went to bed last night with a sense of pride..a sense of accomplishment. All my hard work and dedication is paying off. Instead...I felt the void..the absence. I came home to an empty, quiet home. There was no one to share my good news with, my good day with. There were no phone messages...no emails...not much activity on Facebook. I experienced feelings of abandonment, loneliness and isolation. I felt empty. I cried out! I can logically tell myself that I have an amazing network of support that cares about me, thinks about me....is often there for me...but I'm really struggling with coming to terms that this new reality. This is my support. I no longer have one constant. I have many....that often have their own lives.

I want someone to share my life with. Why am I trying?...Why an I working so hard? Last night...all the affirmations...all the accomplishment couldn't fill the void.

Weeks after Gord died I found myself at church on a Friday morning. I really felt...alive...I felt the presence of Gord there...I felt the presence of God. During those early days I often felt like I had somehow left this world and was living somewhere else...it was surreal. I felt like I had stepped one step further into the spiritual world..one step into a new dimension....

I remember kneeling...feeling excruciating pain in my soul. It was unbearable. I cried out! I begged God to rescue me from the pain. I didn't understand...I didn't understand why I had suffer so intensely. In the moment,  when I had nothing left...where I had emptied my soul, drained out all emotion...I felt like God said to me...." I can't rescue you from the pain...you have to enter in, into the healing, only then will you be able understand...make peace with it, let the pain go, grow and transform..."

God will not  rescue me from the pain...but he will comfort me, heal me and transform me. Everyday I experience divine intervention... I believe God uses the world around me to comfort me, to lead me...to inform me. Somehow I always receive the comfort, wisdom and consolation I need to persevere. It's never how I want it, or when...but I always know it is an answer to prayer. So often it comes in the form of words...found everywhere...in books..social media, magazines. Songs...tunes pop into my head constantly...I will Google them...they console me, like a best friend Songs...appear on the radio...they just seem to have to most amazing timing. I find myself in tears often when I drive. People...acquaintances, family members, friends...people from my past and new fresh bonds...bring comfort and words of consolation. Writing...brings me to healing,to understanding...to peace. Nature often lifts me in unexpected ways...deep ways. Sometimes I feel as though nature gives me a glimpse of the awesomeness that still exists today...that is to come.

As I type, I'm resting on my back deck. I'm encompassed by large trees. The sun is warm...it fills my whole body. The sounds of birds fall up on me. I looked up...the clouds. The clouds are there everyday...they are so enchanting to watch..they drift, change...are so dynamic. It is such a relaxing, peaceful experience and I wonder....why don't I do this everyday? This experience...watching clouds..spoke to the core of my soul. I felt so connected..to something so amazing, so beautiful...so much larger than myself... it's humbling to think...somehow I get to be a part of all this.

God can not rescue me, nothing can fill the void. No affirmations, no accomplishments, no distractions, no replacements, no self medications. Nothing....I have to face it, I have to feel it. I will however be comforted, I will someday be healed...and someday this void will be filled because my soul will no longer be wounded...it will repair and will be ready to make room for all the other wonders this world has offer.

Until this time of healing has come full circle, where my my mind, body, spirit and soul accepts all that I have lost, all that have I have had to endure ...I find my spirit has to ride... waves of grief and waves of grace.

Rebuilding my life today may not always feel like it has much meaning....but it is worth the efforts for the sake of my children, for the sake of all who are supporting me, for the sake of myself and for the sake of my future!

I don't always understand why I step forward....but I always know, that I still believe.... I should!

Little Cub!

Had another celebration! Noah is 3! Overall it was a memorable day. I'm challenging myself to embrace change. I'm beginning to substitute teach again. I seem to find myself more in Kindergarten and grade 1. I love this age...they are so pure..so full of energy..so full of life. However; the challenge as a sub with this particular age is they have a hard time with change....they struggle with transition...and really love routine and predictability.  So.... throwing a new teacher in the mix can cause anxiety for these little ones. One of my favorite subbing experiences was with Danny's teacher. It was probably 4 years ago. I was amazed by what the students had already learned and as well I was impressed how easy she made my job. Her routines were so solid...I merely became a facilitator as the students ran through their day. What really made this day magic was she had coached the students on how to cope with change. She taught them... convinced them change is good...change is fun! They bought in and informed me they couldn't wait to see how the day would be different...how I would be different...they embraced the adventure. It was awesome!!!

I'm challenging myself to adopt the attitude that change is fun. I'm making efforts to see change as a welcomed adventure. I'm finding myself excited to see how life plays out...to see how I will adapt.

When Gord was alive, we would typically celebrate the boys birthday on a weekend or in the evening so he would be present and be able to support me in hosting a party.The boys would have to wait to open their presents until dad was home from work. He left at 6 am..... too early! This year...it's different. I decided to start a new tradition.

Noah woke up to a huge present waiting for him on the counter. I loved his expression. . He had just woke...still coming to. His eyes became larger and larger and his mouth fell open. He clasps his fists together, began to jump and shouted with his face full of joy. " IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

Danny came running out of his room. The anticipation took over....the excitement filled the room. Everything he pulled out of the bag he was so happy he could barely handle his own emotions. By 6:45 am my boys were enthralled with Noah's new gifts. I found a way to make this change fun!

I followed up with one of Noah's favorite activities. Making pancakes! Then continued onto his favorite activity...eating pancakes. The day began on such a high...I could tell he felt special.

I did find myself thinking about Gord and how much he loved Noah and how much he always enjoyed celebrating. I thought about how dedicated he was to Noah. On special occasions we have started a habit of watching the power point that was created for the funeral. Yesterday; I paid more attention to the pictures that had both Gord and Noah. There were so many...so many of Gord carrying or holding Noah.

Gord was so proud to be Noah's dad. When Noah was a baby Gord would return from work, scoop Noah up in his arms and carry him everywhere until bed. He was so proud, he was so confident. They were so bonded. Gord had many nick names for his boys. He called Noah cute madute, Noah baboa and little cub. He loved Noah's enthusiasm and charm. I have memories of Gord spending hours following Noah around the cabin during the summer,  getting up with Noah in the nights. I have a difficult time getting back to sleep if I get up in the night so Gord and I made an arrangement that worked well for both of us. He would get up with Noah in the evenings because he was able to fall back to sleep immediately and I got up every morning with the boys which meant Gord slept in on weekends. But... what a great dad, what a sacrifice! It was so adorable. Gord would get up with Noah in the night...put on the news and fall asleep holding Noah.

They share common interests...they both LOVE food! Noah has also developed interests in video games, super heroes and star wars...all of which Gord would of been so excited to share with his son. They have similar dispositions. Noah has a real coolness about him. A deep center....he has a quiet calmness...contentment. His gestures and the way he carries himself often reminds me off Gord. He kind of holds his arms a bit to the sides when he walks, like Gord did.  Noah enjoys to play independently for long periods of time. Reminds me of Gord and how he could get lost in activities. Noah is also so warm and friendly...always with a smile...like Gord. Noah loved Gord so much. When Gord would come through the door from work, Noah would drop everything and come running. he would start jumping, saying dad, dad, dad. It was always a celebration when Gord came home.

A week before Gord passed he went to Vancouver for a leadership course. My dad came down for  the week to keep me company. I found myself lonely when Gord was gone. I use to have a hard time going a week...now it has been over 7 months. With everyday Gord was gone Noah became more and more difficult. He started to have melt downs and temper tantrums. He tested everything...everything was a battle. When Gord came home Noah just wanted to be with him. The next day when Gord went to go grocery shopping on his own, Noah lost his mind at the thought of Gord leaving again...so Gord took him with him.

This is kind of heart breaking....I was fine when I started this blog....now I'm trembling.  Sometimes it seems so unfair that Gord was ripped out of our lives in a second. We loved him so much! All 3 of us. We still need him...but now we have to create a life without him...

The first months after Gord died was so unbearable for my boys. The absence was often more than we could even begin to understand. Both my boys lost weight...about 5 lbs each. That is so much for their size. They continuously were unreasonable and irrational...there were so many temper tantrums. Noah didn't want to leave the house for months. We were all devastated. I think we all 3 of us really thought it was the end of the world.

I became so dedicated to bring them back to security. I was so focused on helping them to regain their stability...rebuild their appetites and sleep routines. We all got so sick...for 6 six weeks....

However...here we are 7 months later. We are settled, we are stable, we are secure. My boys are both healthy and have been since January. They are both happy and thriving in their lives. Somehow...even though there are still  many days we wonder how our world can make sense without someone that made it so complete...so full....we find ourselves...OK...sometimes even happy. It was the end of Gord's world here..but it wasn't the end of ours.

I'm really learning how to adapt to change. I'm learning how to be flexible...how to make the most of this loss...but there is a deep part of us...that has been shaken to the core...that will always wonder why we had to lose such an amazing man, an amazing dad...and amazing husband.

Sometimes...I feel so grateful to have been so well loved...to have had my boys been so well loved. Overwhelmed with gratefulness...overwhelmed to tears!

My boys may always long for their dad. But in ways...they will always have a great dad to aspire to. They have nothing but happy memories. They can see pictures, hear stories and even have their own memories of  how well loved they were...and because of that... I know they will grow up to be amazing men themselves.

May the "Gord" be with you!

Gord loved to be involved as a dad. From the second Danny was born, Gord was a part of every decision from feeding times, to bath times, getting the boys on the bottle or off the bottle. To Gord it was all science experiment...a formula. He would come home after work and inquire how everything was developing. We would analyze, come up with future back up plans. Together we took on the challenges of parenting. He was such an incredible support to me, we were a team. I was dependent on Gords support as a parent and I've been lacking the confidence to transition Noah into a bed on my own.

It's been on my mind constantly to transition Noah into a bed. I would like to travel to the city. I needed him to make this transition before I would have the confidence to take on all the other stress of travelling. Last night I found my resolve. I decided I can cope with whatever Noah threw at me. I was mentally prepared for the worst.... Hoping for the best.

I thought to myself...On the young widow site people share how sometimes their spouse shows up. Not like a ghost...more like Obi Wan Kenobi...a mentor... to offer support, guidance. We were in the process of watching Star Wars as a family when Gord died. Every evening for 1/2 hour we watched the movies. It was so cool. My boys were so engaged. Gord and I were reminded how awesome and epic this film was. Hard to believe it was created over 35 years ago. I remember being so awe inspired as a child watching it.

One of the first things Danny said after Gord died was..." Is dad with Obi Wan Kenobi now?" So amazing a five year old can make that connection.

I liked this idea... the possibility of my husband...somehow showing up. I thought to myself.... if there is a time for Gord to show up, tonight would be great. I sent out my wish. Noah was calm...he seemed more ready. I put a lock on the inside of the door. We read stories, said our evening prayers. I reminded him he was turning 3 in 2 days and it was time to be a big boy. I kissed him goodnight and told him I expected him to sleep in his bed until morning. I left....He was quiet.  I couldn't believe it. A week earlier when I tried to put him in his bed he put on the temper tantrum of the century.

After; I tucked him bed, I gently shut the door, I went downstairs. I could here him hopping in out of bed, rustling around in his room. But he was quiet. Half an hour later there was no more sounds.

I had the strongest sensation that Noah was not alone. That somehow he was being encouraged, supported...mentored. It might just be a hope, it might just be in my imagination. But last night...I think my husband showed up to be a dad. That was my most favorite part of Gord, the most attractive...the thing that made my heart soar and sing...whenever Gord showed up to be a dad.


I'm coming to realize that I'm struggling with detaching from Gord. I'm having difficulty allowing myself to feel separated from Gord.

I follow a young priest on Facebook. He has a well known reputation among young adults in Alberta. He was a priest at a  children s camp for years. He is so loved. Recently he has been diagnosed with cancer, actually now for the second time. As a result of  treatments and illness, he has had to adjust his ministries. He now posts homilies on a website he created. They are inventive and creative. He is brilliant. He often describes himself as a nerd. He is unique. He is in love with science, fantasy and God..all at the same time.  He often uses science fiction as an allegory to highlight and stretch theological theories.

He did a clip on his opinions on the next making of Star Wars. Although I appreciated all his insights and ideas regarding his hopes for the future film, what hit me the most the was the message regarding detachment and forgiveness.

This video reminded me that I need to let go of Gord because I love him....and perhaps in a way to love myself. I need to let go of understanding why. I need to let go of needing it all back. I need to detach from all of this...because he is not here....... I need to let life be the way it is; and forgive God for allowing this to happen, for allowing this suffering to happen.  People die, it is natural...it is a part of living.  People suffer...it is how we grow! I need to detach from the idea that it can ever be the same as it was before when Gord was here. It is now changed!

Danny also reminds me that Gord is not so far away. He is in our hearts and minds. Somehow....there may always be times Gord will somehow show up to support us...to mentor us, to guide us. The force is one of the most epic concepts ever developed in a film. It just somehow...is something we all get...we all relate to. There is a force! There is love...love endures always, endures everything...even death! The love between Gord and I will never change.

Today is May the 4th. I discovered this week that today is " Star Wars Day."

"May the fourth be with you."

Father Catfish - Opinion on making of new Star Wars

http://vimeo.com/80774263

It was so easy to love Gord!

Making the best of situations is becoming natural...I woke up this morning to a blanket of frosting. It's May, I just thought...looks beautiful...it won't last.

I'm in my comfy clothes, with steaming peppermint tea, listening to music...today isn't so bad. Sometimes it's great to have an excuse to kick back, slow down....just enjoy.

In my restful moments... I find myself hit with grief. It creeps in...I try to deny it...I just want to stay content. Saturday mornings...I feel the absence...the huge void. This morning I miss the easiness. Gord and I were most often on the same page...if we weren't...we found a way to get there quickly. We enjoyed each others company, we enjoyed our kids...we enjoyed our life. We were proud of our life. I miss not having to be anything. On weekends...sometimes I would stay in comfy clothes all weekend.

We had many date nights...I would dress up. I would look to Gord for affirmation, it often didn't seem like he would notice my efforts...but then he would assure me  that he thought I looked beautiful whether I was in pajamas or formal attire. He told me I didn't have to impress him...he was already impressed! He told me looking good should be more for my benefit. If it builds my confidence that is all he cared about. I can remember asking him what he thought of my hair cuts, he would just say it matters more what you think. No matter how I changed my looks...he thought I looked great. I miss this. I miss not having to be concerned with my appearance...I miss just being loved.

Gord was so secure....we didn't have to compete. He never made me feel like I was less, he was only interested in building me up . I was so safe in this relationship. I miss feeling safe, I miss having one relationship that brought me so much security.

Having such a secure relationship...gave me so much resilience. I was able to cope with so much because I had such a strong anchor. Now...I find I have to be so careful with my heart. Challenging moments can knock me down...it triggers grief, it makes me miss Gord...it rocks my confidence. I've lost my anchor. My ship is looking for stable ground. I want rest!

My boys  offer a security. I feel it...they always love me. Even if I can't always give them what they want...they know. We recover so quickly when are emotions become overwhelmed, when we take our feelings out on each other...we are so quick to apologize. We want to be there for each other. This morning within in 20 minutes of being awake the boys were in tears. They wanted to watch different shows, Noah wanted Danny's cup, Danny didn't want to part with his. They were not in the mood to cooperate. They were both being so unreasonable...so irrational.

I thought, " I can't start my day like this!"

I put them both in time out, I told them....we are going to have a restart.

They both cried, screamed...had their emotional release.

After I took them out, they couldn't get to each other fast enough, they couldn't hug fast enough. They just wanted to make up. Without prompting...they both apologized...ran downstairs and began to play. We hurt each other sometimes these days...but we don't want to. We know that....that brings us all so much security. We are quick to compensate, quick to start building again.

I used to have a love...that made it easy to be myself....he made it easy to be together.  He was so easy to love.  I use to have a love that built me up and helped me to be strong. Now...I have to do it...I have to build myself. I have to remind myself that I'm still everything that Gord saw. It is still all true. I am still a good mom...a good person. I am still capable...I am strong. I need to remind myself...I can do this...even alone! I know Gord still believes in me, still loves me.

This active grieving process is so much work, it demands so much thought, emotion and attention...but I'm willing, I desire to be healed...I have hope, I'm hanging on hope. There has to be hope!

Perhaps hope...is my new anchor!

Hebrews 6:19

This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary.




Gord brought my life so much peace...he really kept the world at bay for me. This song has always made me think about my relationship with Gord.

Easy Silence - by Dixie Chicks

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQvD5tdTHW8

Summer surprises!

Summer is coming! It has many surprises.

I've started to have some good days again. Yesterday was an exceptional day. I had great energy, I was happy...I was hopeful . New ideas about my future began to enter my mind. I decided to join the woman's mountain bike club for the summer and I'm considering golf lessons. Golf is active and social.  I also focused on my boys and things they have coming up. It felt great to be the mom I used to be...the mom I am. The ordinary is now extraordinary to me. The regular day is such a gift. I use to experience euphoria on good days. The euphoric feeling has faded...but I think that is a good sign. That I'm coming down...back to real life. A place I use to live...a place I want to be.

Despite this good day...there were many little stings...little reminders...little surprises... popping up everywhere. I was strong though. This change in season is so welcome, in the same breath I know my little family will be facing more challenges, many more grief triggers, new responsibilities...more adaptation. It often surprises us.

A couple of days ago, while I was cooking supper; the boys had gone to the park with the nanny. Danny rode his bike. At 5 pm, the boys came through the door in anticipation for dinner. Typically, Danny would hop up the stairs and be filled with so much to tell me, he would have difficulty getting it out. Both my boys love to tell me everything and I love it. However, this day was different. Danny came in the door sounding as if he was injured. His tears were falling out. He could barely speak. He ran up to me, embraced me. He started stammering about how much he missed his dad and he couldn't believe he never get to bike ride with him again.

 I responded to Danny that I was having some of the same thoughts that day. I told Danny we will have so much to miss this summer, we had so much fun with Gord.

Danny said, " We just keep having to do everything without him"

This summer is going to filled with special occasions, and fun that we will have to do without our Gord. We keep doing it, we keep hanging in there and it continues to sting.

Last night a friend called to chat in the evening. I enjoyed it so much. We used to only chat when our kids were around and our conversations were often disjointed and incomplete. But last night we talked about so much. I went to bed feeling content...and then without warning it just fell out. I started to cry. I was yearning to be loved. I used to be loved. Everyday I had a man that deeply cared about me. Now I don't. No matter how great my day is, how bright of a future I try to create. I can't recreate this love. I don't know how to get past this.

This morning I awoke with heavy feelings. I didn't sleep well. I already lost that good feeling I had found the day before. I try...I know to battle through...but when I'm tired...I'm weak..I lack motivation. I wanted to call someone to help lift my mood....But who?

It seems like so many people I know have their own stresses, their own problems...there own sadness. I wanted to call someone who could lift me....All I really wanted to do was call Gord. Gord was so constant. He didn't really have bad days...he did...but they didn't phase him. He was always strong enough to be there for me. He didn't let me fall...he would simply remind me I was fine and I could handle whatever issue I was coping with. Just knowing he was there gave me so much confidence and security. I could face the world knowing that I never had to do it alone.

Today I have fallen back into sadness. Today I feel disappointed to see all the challenges ahead. Birthdays, Father's Day, Gord's birthday, October 2nd. My boys and I have to face all of this without him.

In the morning when I returned from an outing with Noah and some friends, I noticed an inch of dirt on the garage floor.  I knew it...I knew I would have to do this job. I told myself...just do it. I try to not be resentful and have self pity to take on these new responsibilities...but it is discouraging to always have to be both parents.

I also know that we will keep preserving, we will overcome these challenges. I will continue to have many good days and one day...in the future...this will be easier. I can look and see that when we do face the loss...it has less grip....there is less of an emotional reaction the next time we face it. It's all still so new...so fresh!

I am still confident  and hopeful for a bright future and we will continue to make the best of this life. Everyday!

The summer will be full of surprises....the tough surprises we will overcome and the unexpected good surprises will be so welcome and will remind of us of all the good to come.