May the "Gord" be with you!

Gord loved to be involved as a dad. From the second Danny was born, Gord was a part of every decision from feeding times, to bath times, getting the boys on the bottle or off the bottle. To Gord it was all science experiment...a formula. He would come home after work and inquire how everything was developing. We would analyze, come up with future back up plans. Together we took on the challenges of parenting. He was such an incredible support to me, we were a team. I was dependent on Gords support as a parent and I've been lacking the confidence to transition Noah into a bed on my own.

It's been on my mind constantly to transition Noah into a bed. I would like to travel to the city. I needed him to make this transition before I would have the confidence to take on all the other stress of travelling. Last night I found my resolve. I decided I can cope with whatever Noah threw at me. I was mentally prepared for the worst.... Hoping for the best.

I thought to myself...On the young widow site people share how sometimes their spouse shows up. Not like a ghost...more like Obi Wan Kenobi...a mentor... to offer support, guidance. We were in the process of watching Star Wars as a family when Gord died. Every evening for 1/2 hour we watched the movies. It was so cool. My boys were so engaged. Gord and I were reminded how awesome and epic this film was. Hard to believe it was created over 35 years ago. I remember being so awe inspired as a child watching it.

One of the first things Danny said after Gord died was..." Is dad with Obi Wan Kenobi now?" So amazing a five year old can make that connection.

I liked this idea... the possibility of my husband...somehow showing up. I thought to myself.... if there is a time for Gord to show up, tonight would be great. I sent out my wish. Noah was calm...he seemed more ready. I put a lock on the inside of the door. We read stories, said our evening prayers. I reminded him he was turning 3 in 2 days and it was time to be a big boy. I kissed him goodnight and told him I expected him to sleep in his bed until morning. I left....He was quiet.  I couldn't believe it. A week earlier when I tried to put him in his bed he put on the temper tantrum of the century.

After; I tucked him bed, I gently shut the door, I went downstairs. I could here him hopping in out of bed, rustling around in his room. But he was quiet. Half an hour later there was no more sounds.

I had the strongest sensation that Noah was not alone. That somehow he was being encouraged, supported...mentored. It might just be a hope, it might just be in my imagination. But last night...I think my husband showed up to be a dad. That was my most favorite part of Gord, the most attractive...the thing that made my heart soar and sing...whenever Gord showed up to be a dad.


I'm coming to realize that I'm struggling with detaching from Gord. I'm having difficulty allowing myself to feel separated from Gord.

I follow a young priest on Facebook. He has a well known reputation among young adults in Alberta. He was a priest at a  children s camp for years. He is so loved. Recently he has been diagnosed with cancer, actually now for the second time. As a result of  treatments and illness, he has had to adjust his ministries. He now posts homilies on a website he created. They are inventive and creative. He is brilliant. He often describes himself as a nerd. He is unique. He is in love with science, fantasy and God..all at the same time.  He often uses science fiction as an allegory to highlight and stretch theological theories.

He did a clip on his opinions on the next making of Star Wars. Although I appreciated all his insights and ideas regarding his hopes for the future film, what hit me the most the was the message regarding detachment and forgiveness.

This video reminded me that I need to let go of Gord because I love him....and perhaps in a way to love myself. I need to let go of understanding why. I need to let go of needing it all back. I need to detach from all of this...because he is not here....... I need to let life be the way it is; and forgive God for allowing this to happen, for allowing this suffering to happen.  People die, it is natural...it is a part of living.  People suffer...it is how we grow! I need to detach from the idea that it can ever be the same as it was before when Gord was here. It is now changed!

Danny also reminds me that Gord is not so far away. He is in our hearts and minds. Somehow....there may always be times Gord will somehow show up to support us...to mentor us, to guide us. The force is one of the most epic concepts ever developed in a film. It just somehow...is something we all get...we all relate to. There is a force! There is love...love endures always, endures everything...even death! The love between Gord and I will never change.

Today is May the 4th. I discovered this week that today is " Star Wars Day."

"May the fourth be with you."

Father Catfish - Opinion on making of new Star Wars

http://vimeo.com/80774263