Christmas Care

I arrived to my parents home on Dec 22nd. The scene was set. The lights were dim, Christmas music playing and a glow of the Christmas tree filled the room with a gentle magic. My boys were elated to see their grandparents. Holidays had begun. It didn't take long for me to settle in and realize that my holiday had begun too. All that was ahead was celebrations.

There was 3 Christmas celebrations in 3 days. All were full of family and Christmas cheer. My boys were fully present in the moment enjoying cousins, opening presents and sharing their gifts. For the most part I tried to stay present....with their joy....our joy.

Their was a couple of instances where the sting of  grief crept up on me, or where waves a sadness grew inside me and welled out me before I could even take a deep breath. 

Over the past 10 years all my siblings little families  have began to grow, we transitioned from extended family Christmas's to immediate family. My mom started a new tradition of dressing more formal on Christmas Eve. This may come as a shock; but Gord loved this tradition. As I was getting ready Christmas Eve, I could so clearly remember his excitement. The excitement he had for something special, to watch his kids enjoy Christmas, to spend time with family, enjoying drinks, enjoying food...enjoying life. On so many occasions of dressing up I can remember Gord would comment that I was beautiful. I haven't heard him say that in 15 months. 

The second moment I remember becoming overwhelmed with emotion was at the dinner table during  Christmas Eve dinner. For the most part I haven't been the type to grieve publicly, usually I'm so grateful to be around people that I want to spend it socializing. It was one of those moments where I had the multiple feelings at once, contrasting, contradicting each other....but never the less they all existed at the same time. I felt full of gratitude. I could see so many great blessings in my life. I felt so loved. I felt surrounded by grace. I felt a high...where my soul believed that the world was a beautiful place...I felt a buzz. The buzz of the comfort and warmth family brings. In the exact same moment I could feel the deep loss. I could feel the void. Gord's absence felt so unavoidable. Somehow I could feel great love and great loss at the same time. I tried to contain my emotion, I didn't want to take away from the time together. As family comforted me, I realized it was an opportunity to acknowledge the loss, to acknowledge Gord....to remember Gord.

That night in bed, I found myself reminiscing of Christmas's past with Gord. I was overwhelmed with memories. I felt grateful to have these memories, I felt grateful that I had a husband that made his family a priority and made Christmas special. I was missing him so much...I wondered I how I would ever let go.

Boxing day was time to pack up and head home. I was relieved that all had went well but I was feeling exhausted and knew what was ahead. A  quiet home, holiday laundry and me, myself and I with the boys. Coming home continues to be a predictable time to grieve. Especially for Danny and I.  To go from family surrounding us, supporting us, and loving us to the three of us and myself depleted with not much left to give.

 I needed to unload the van, unpack, do laundry, meanwhile Noah wants to make Lego and Danny wants me to play Battle ship. All I could think is....where is my husband? That night I fell into sickness. I awoke with a severe fever that lasted two days. I put my boys in care....and I slept. My heart broke. I felt weak, I wanted someone to take care of me. At the same time I felt so bad that I had yet to build Lego with my boys, help them figure out their transformers and play battle ship. I thought about how much Gord would of loved doing these activities with the boys and so much better suited than I. I'm realizing that I don't only grieve what I lost but what could of been. 

I started regaining strength yesterday, and when I had time, I made Lego with the boys, played battleship...I still have yet to figure out the transformer. I somehow have to let go of the dream that Gord is going to be here to help raise them in ways of Lego and boyish things. I hope I can be enough...because for now this is what it is. At times like this it is hard to not fall into the thinking that my boys will end up disadvantaged. Rationally as a teacher, I know what's most important is that I provide them with opportunities and nurture their interests. Through friends, cousins, grandparents and friends of the family male role models will form.

I think I learned something from this Christmas. Next year when my boys ask to open their Lego at their grandparents, maybe I'll let them and ask grandpa if he could help. ;)

This journey continues to challenge me. Sometimes it can feel like I'm still at the beginning, other times I can look behind me and see how many mountains I've already climbed. I can see that I have forged a path....that I have grown, I have evolved, I have been healing.  What I can say for sure that this makes for a very full story, rich with heart and emotion. 

The second Christmas without Gord was more challenging than I  had anticipated. At the same time, it was a wonderful Christmas....and  Gord will always be one of the reasons why Christmas will be hard and will also  be one of the reasons why it is wonderful. He is always with us, in our hearts, in our minds...in our story. He may not be able to make Lego with my boys but I trust he will somehow always have a special way with them, to parent them, to love them.

Exchange Sorrow for Joy

 

I've been trying to write lately. It's forced. It lacks that feeling of flow. There  is often a  rewarding feeling of letting go and allowing something beautiful to appear in front of me. My writing has been stifled because I was trying to change reality. I was wanting to find some beautiful deep truth beneath my pain. It's hard to find right now....so this piece may not be beautiful, it may be sad, dark and full of the emptiness and loss I am experiencing right now. My hopes is that somehow the reality of my pain and grief might help someone else to not feel so alone in their grief.

I feel alone. It appears although others don't relate to the depths of my pain. The challenges of  the weight of this season being a single mom, along with the heaviness of the grief and a broken heart are hard to express.  I am crumbling beneath it all at times, I feel like I'm falling, like I'm drowning. I 'm losing all strength. Ironically I'm sleeping more than ever and eating more than I should....I just continue to feel tired.

I've reduced my expectations and let go of many traditions that I have often done in the past. I've  held onto the traditions that were most important for my boys.

I knew setting up the tree was not only going to be challenging physically but I remembered the year prior it was one of the most painful acts I went through. Opening a box of beautiful ornaments becomes a box of grief triggers. The void is just so huge.  Gord's absence felt massive. The day prior to setting up the tree I contemplated whether or not it was necessary to set up the tree. I wondered if I could settle for a smaller tree, I wondered if a tree at grandmas and grandpas could be enough. I felt like shutting down. I wanted there to be a skip button for the season. I wanted to just run away and escape this reality...escape Christmas. There are so many Christmas tasks that are accomplished better, enjoyed more with a spouse. Wrapping presents, packing, planning, travelling, setting up trees, setting up Christmas lights, pictures with Santa, attending Christmas concerts and Christmas parties....

However....I reminded myself of my two little boys. I reminded myself that last year my motivation to carry through with Christmas traditions was not optional.... they had lost enough! I realized this is still true. I realized I want them to continue having positive new memories. Right now, Christmas is not a grief trigger for them. Christmas is still all about Santa, presents and the magic that Christmas brings. I think if I can be apart of creating these positive memories; then in years to come when the grief might appear, they will have all these positive memories to keep their spirits lighter and brighter.

At times I find all the bright colors and the music to be overstimulating. I found myself just staring at the tree for the first week after I set it up. I wasn't enjoying the beauty nor the nostalgia it often brings. I felt confused, numb and empty. I felt like I was in a dream I didn't belong in. The contrast of the beauty of Christmas and my broken heart wasn't connecting. I felt a disconnect. I felt absent. I felt invisible.

I have re-entered another phase or perhaps bout of grieving. It's disappointing and discouraging. I was feeling like I needed to find a place of rest instead a new storm has erupted. I feel ill, It's often debilitating. Like in times past, I have good days and bad days and for the most part...I know how to function with it, I know how to live with it.

I've had to adapt. I have had to accept that I've been reduced back to eating out and packaged meals. I have had to accept that I needed to find more care for my boys so that I had more breaks. I've had to accept that sometimes I will use the tv to have more space. I've had to accept that I'm in survival mode....and that my energies are going towards making  a special Christmas for my boys. It gives me focus and a reason to persevere with the pain, with the loss.

On my good days it feels rewarding. On my good days it all feels worth the hard work of pushing though. But everyday, whether is it a hard day or not I see my boys joy and excitement for the Christmas season. On my good days I see that exchanging my sorrow for their joy is worth it. This year I feel like I am doing mission work. This year I am dedicating the Christmas season to my boys, to my husband.

Gord always had an enthusiasm for Christmas. But his greatest excitement and joy came from watching his boys experience the magic. I believe Gord is in heaven, watching us and is a part or our lives. Although his absence, the void, the loss seems unbearable at times. I am reminded that Christmas is a time when heaven and earth join, where heaven and nature sing. I'm sure Gord is surrounded by angels watching his family, I want him to have a good show, I want him to be full of joy watching his boys embrace the magic of Christmas.

I carry a heavy burden this Christmas season, but it will get lighter again. I might not always feel the rewards today for putting my boys first, but I do believe the rewards will come and they will last a lifetime. A life time of Christmas memories to bless their little hearts.

We placed a Santa hat on the mantle, It was the same hat Gord wore in Christmas's past. The boys and I love seeing it there. It is a reminder to us that he was amazing part of lives and continues to be the most beautiful parts of our hearts. Sometimes his presence fills the room.

Writing this has helped me to breathe easier. The weight of this all feels lighter. At times it may feel like I'm cracking under Christmas but as long as I continue to walk this journey, as long as I  keep the faith that is a just a process, that it is a journey worth embarking....someday I will find my rest, someday the storm will pass.

I'm reminded of a quote I have on a plaque given to me after Gord passed. It is on the mantel.

" Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

A Little Extra in the Ordinary!

Missing the simple things....Tonight I'm experiencing tears of grief. Surprisingly,  its not a result of packing for a trip without my husband, nor because I need to set up a Christmas tree without my husband. Tonight I'm reduced to tears because I miss visiting with him after supper.

Most evenings after supper the boys would disappear into the basement and watch their favorite shows or chase each other around in circles. Leaving dishes unattended, Gord and I  would make our way to the living room and melt into the sofas sipping on tea or red wine,  We would discuss, debrief, plan for our weekends, our holidays...our future.

 Tonight after supper, the boys quickly drifted downstairs...the dishes were left. I sat in a quiet living room....and all I could do is remember.

I can picture him lying the full length of the couch; his hat hanging off the top of his head with his hair fluffing out the sides. I can hear him talking out his day, trying to find new angles to solve problems at work . We both were always so free to talk, to share. We were so comfortable! It was a time of on ongoing inside jokes, we would discuss TV programs, the latest news, and our daily news. We shared our highs and lows, our failures, our fears, our dreams...our successes.

This little routine brought so much comfort to my life. This little moment in our day is where we filled each others cups again. It is when we reconnected,

I could remember it all, it didn't make sense again. He is gone!

Danny heard my sniffle. He asked if I was OK.

I reminded him that his dad and I use to visit every evening and that I really miss that right now.

Danny nodded his head in agreement and then pointed beside me on the couch and replied, " But mom.... he is right there."

My tears of grief changed. I was reminded that I do often feel close to Gord.

Danny came in for a snuggle. I inquired if he often feels like dad is close by.

He replied, " All the time and he hugs me every night too."

Aw!

There are so many special moments we share with our loved ones. There are so many profound memories....However the memories that I seem the most emotionally attached to are often the memories of the everyday, the ordinary, the routine. It was in the everyday where I felt loved, deeply connected and cherished by Gord. It was in the everyday that we worked together, where we build each other, where we encouraged each other.

This reminds me to appreciate the ordinary days. The days where I see the same friends I often see, the days where I chat with family on the phone. The days I spend time with my boys....just doing ordinary, everyday things. This is all really extraordinary. I have to appreciate today.....because now I know it is what I will miss the most.

Gord is here with me in so many ways...I have two little angels that bring him to me so often...

P.S Thanks for letting me debrief....Now...it's time to get the dishes done ;)

A Rewritten Story

A year ago I remember trying to imagine what my life would like in a year to come. Here I am a year later and I'm new, different, changed! I've experienced so many changes in my perceptions of the world. It was as if I went through a boot camp of rewriting my understanding of the world... of life.

I use to spin, my mind use to spin trying to find answers... solutions. There were times I was so confused, so overwhelmed with emotion...so overwhelmed with all the processing. I use to sruggle with loneliness and isolation daily. I detested being alone!

It's all beginning to unfold and it's not what I had imagined, it's not what I anticipated at all.

I still miss Gord, I miss married life....a good healthy, happy marriage. It's taken me a year to believe that are other ways to have a rewarding life. It's taken me a year to believe I can be a good single mom. Its's taken me a year to believe that my boys can have a rich, fulfilling life despite they lost their dad at such a young age.

Honestly, I still would prefer to be married, I would love to have Gord back in a second but since I can't....I'm coming to understand that I have many ways to reap a rewarding life. There are a couple of one liners Gord left imprinted in my mind. He continues to ground me, guide me and help shape me with these everlasting truths.  There is one  particular message that has helped me to persevere, build a new life,  and has helped me to adapt to this dramatic change in my life. This message has pushed me to climb out of the self pity, the pain and the grief; and create new ways to find happiness.

" The only person who can ever really be responsible for their own happiness is...themselves."        
  - Gordon Mark

It was usually in moments where I was fretting about life and I was reaching out to Gord wanting him to help solve my problems, wanting him to help calm my emotions, wanting him to help me be happy. I can hear him, like it was yesterday.

" Jen, I care about you and want nothing more than for you to be happy, but your happiness is your responsibility."

It wasn't easy to hear that at the time, but now....I get it!

Guitar lessons have become a new best friend. I'm becoming more and more drawn in each day. I revel for my time to practice. It's exciting to be progressing. I wonder where this could lead. I'm dreaming again. I also love that guitar can be social instrument. I'm just beginning to jam with friends. So fun!

It's my third year in Taekwondo and it's finally starting to feel natural.  My body is beginning to feel strong again. Exercise continues to be a source that brings balance to my life. It's where I find my center.

Writing is such an adventure for me. It's raw, spontaneous, heart wrenching, exciting, adrenaline pumping and exhilarating. It's nerve racking, it's unpredictable and most importantly it's so therapeutic. It brings the spinning connections back into straight lines. I find deep truths buried in the pain. It is one of the most rewarding experiences to share my writing in hopes that I might play a role in reaching others, inspiring others or perhaps even bring healing to others. It brings purpose to my pain.

I have energy again. I am no longer sleep deprived. I'm feeling motivated again...I feel alive again.  I spent a year feeling less than. I spent a year, wishing I could be the mom I once was. I spent a year wishing I could be the friend, daughter, sister I once was. I'm not 100% back yet; however it's coming and it feels amazing. I never would of imagined I would feel such satisfaction from being able to keep a house clean, staying on top of laundry, cooking meals and spending quality time with my boys. I once lost the ability to maintain these jobs...now I can again and it feels amazing. The limitations that  I was once faced with no longer have the same grip on me.

As well I have adapted to the life as a single parent. I still find it discouraging at times to carry the load alone, however...now I know I can manage it. I've also learned how to cope with boredom and loneliness and thankfully I only experience these feelings on a rare occasions. The cloud has lifted, my life has normalized. It's not my original dream, but I'm learning how to rewrite my story.

I'm finding the friends and family in my life bring rich, rewarding relationships. Some relationships have become constant, dependable relationships that have brought my life a new joy.

Gord's passing ripped my world apart and I wasn't sure I would ever recover. I know parts of me...will always remember...always carry the memories. But I can see I am recovering. I use to wonder if I would ever really feel life's satisfaction again like I did when I was married to Gord. Lately; I have had more space to pay more attention to what is happening in lives around me.  I can see that in many ways my life has as much satisfaction, as much contentment and as much joy as most people, We all have a bag of history that writes a story of who we are.  We all have losses, struggles and problems to cope with.... no one ever has it all. I certainly don't have it all but I'm beginning to see I have enough.

Life is forever evolving, forever changing. Sometimes I wish I could nail down my identity and how my story makes me who I am today. Sometimes I wish I could create a life of comfort and predictability. As long as I am moving forward, I am in progression. Progressing isn't always the cushy, cozy ride. I'm a story in progress, a life always being written. Each chapter in history shapes how the story unfolds....but the story can only continue if I am moving forward...living in today...and dreaming for a future.

I have a good life. I have friends, family and kittens. I love my boys. I love being a parent. I have interests and  a bit of work just to keep things in balance.

 I lost my husband. I lost a dream.

 I gained new perceptions, new interests, new dreams...a new life.

Lately I wonder what Gord would want for me...for the boys and I. I also think about what I would want for him if the roles were reversed.

Happiness! What ever that looks like!

I think we are beginning to not only create a happy life...we are beginning to live and breathe a happy life again.

My story is being rewritten...one day at time. Gord is no longer here but plays a role in helping me rewrite this story. He forever occupies a part of my heart...a part of my mind. He left me with many messages that will forever shape me, help me and guide me to live a better life....a happy life.

Crosses and Losses!

I accepted a subbing gig for Danny's class last Friday.  A Remembrance Day celebration was taking place this same day. Although I knew there was a chance this could be a grief trigger, I assumed that Danny and I were strong enough to brave through such a ceremony. I was glad to be there in the gym to support Danny. I saw the look in Danny's eyes as he watched the video clips. Videos of soldiers and their families, crosses and losses. Images of  wives waving to their husbands, children grasping for their fathers. Reuniting embraces and soldiers carrying coffins. These images sparked so many emotions in me. I wondered how they affected Danny.  He glanced over at me with a look of sadness...like he wanted to cry. Meanwhile, my  tears were already falling. I shrugged my shoulders and gave him a nod. It was a nod of permission. He can cry!

He bowed his head for a moment and then looked up again and gave me a brave grin. I felt like he was showing me he was sad.... but he was OK. Through my sadness I found my smile too. It was special to share that moment together.

He loves and misses his dad. I love and miss my husband. We share the same sentiment.

Hearing the traditional trumpet sounds, the traditional poem and traditional songs of this day brought back a solemn feeling. I felt overwhelmed knowing that there has been so many families in wars that have lost a child, a spouse...a parent....at such a young age.

I know the pain, I know the loss.

I thought about soldiers....and the suffering they endure...

I thought about how I've only experienced a slight taste of post traumatic stress and how it has compromised my spirit. I thought about all they see, all they experience...all they lose..how much they sacrifice.

I wonder how I can feel so much. I wonder how the heart can  bare so much.

I thought about the message of Flanders Field and the common saying on Remembrance Day, "Lest we forget." I think about a painting I have seen over the years. The picture is divided in half contrasting war and peace. Below is an image of soldiers in the trenches, in the darkness...in war enduring death and suffering. There are soldiers holding up the ground. Above is an image of a family enjoying a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Everything is beautiful and everything is peaceful.




We need to remember! We need to know that all that we have today, all that we enjoy today, all the peace we have today in large part rests on the shoulders of soldiers who risk their lives for their country.

I'm still unsure of my opinion regarding war...and how necessary it is. Regardless...we must remember...We must carry on this fight for freedom, for justice...for goodness...for peace. As I type this right now I sit in the comfort of a warm home. The fridge is full, I have a vehicle. My boys are sleeping and they are safe. Such basics I take for granted everyday....for I know there are many who don't have the basics, are not free, are not safe.

"Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields."
- John Mcrae

It's so easy for us to remove ourselves from reality...when we witness something on a screen. It's so easy to think....I'm so glad I didn't have to experience that or " That will never happen to me." Fortunately; I've spent my life free from being exposed to war. I can honestly say... I feel safe in my world.

But this celebration, this Remembrance Day caused me to pause. It provoked something new in me; something beyond the 2 minutes of silence. These thoughts are staying with me, they are changing me, they are healing me.

This celebration took me out of my own suffering and reminded me all that I have, all that I still have to be grateful for. It reminded me I'm not the first young widow, I'm not the first mom to mourn the loss for their children. It reminded me there is suffering and loss all over the world. It reminded me that I live in a privileged society. It reminded me...that despite all my losses I've been left with enough to carry on, enough to build a new life, enough to be able to dream new dreams, My children have so many opportunities, so many privileges. We are surrounded by friends and family. We are safe...we are free.

Remembrance Day reminded me of all my losses... all of my crosses. However, it also reminded me of all that I have. I think in the end....that is the greatest message I received this year attending a celebration in remembrance of all those who risked their lives in wars. The greatest way I can remember, the greatest way I can continue to carry the torch is by appreciating all of my fortunes, I can be grateful to live in a safe and peaceful country and do all that I can to protect these amazing gifts of freedom and peace that were fought in honor of us, in honor of our children, in honor of our future and in honor of our beautiful country.

Sweet Surprises!

I'm processing so many different things right now. I have a hard time following just one line of thought, This past week I've been jostled by so many pangs of grief. It began last weekend. Gord's parents came for a visit. We all had a special time together...enjoying activities and visiting. In the evening the adults indulged in a night out in Jasper. The hope was to take in the Dark Sky event of ski watching. Unfortunately, the snow globe effect doesn't promote much entertainment in the sky. We were left to continue sipping wine and embracing an evening without children. I really enjoyed sharing with them...I saw so much of  the good of Gord in both of them. I felt so grateful to have this time with them but it left my heart...missing Gord.

The same evening after Gord's parents left, the boys and I pulled out the Halloween box full of costumes and decorations. Noah immediately wanted to put on the Mario costume and insisted I put on the Luigi costume. The excitement was thrilling; but there was a layer, beneath the surface....in my subconscious remembering....just touching the conscious mind.

We starting sticking pumpkins and ghosts on the walls. I started thinking about years passed. I wondered if I had decorated last year...I couldn't remember. Then it came to me...Danny had a dental surgery last Halloween. These thoughts were all slipping in as the boys continued to bounce around with the anticipation of Halloween.

I felt an exhaustion come over me. It was approaching the boys bedtime and I felt like I needed to take a few minutes before I began bedtime routine. I relaxed into a book and told myself...in 5 minutes I will get the boys ready for bed. Noah was having a snack.

I heard a bang in the kitchen...Danny came running to me....he shouted, " I broke my arm!"

That night in the hospital both Danny and I had a difficult time holding it together. We felt so defeated! Danny cried and cried expressing that he missed his dad so much.

We both crave his love and support through out these trials. We wonder how we cope without him. We want his large arms to hold us and his deep voice to ground us. We want his calm nature to bring us peace and his strong nature to encourage us. We still need him!

Danny received an award! As I observed in the audience I thought...I want to share this with Gord... I want to tell Gord what an amazing son he has. I wanted to watch  Danny share it with his dad and witness the pride for his son. I wanted to see Danny light up to see his dads pride. I wondered if Danny was having the similar thoughts and feelings. I sent photos and videos to grandparents. Danny shared the news with his grandma. I could tell this need to fill a void was more my issue than his. I still told him that his dad is so proud.

The day of Halloween came. I found myself remembering..remembering how much fun we had as family with Gord through out the years. He was such a great sport to always dress up and live vicariously through his sons excitement. One of my strongest memories was the last year when Gord and Danny dressed as Mario and Luigi. My strongest recollections are of when we came back from trick or treating. Gord and Danny plopped down on the couches, emptied the bag of candy, put on a Halloween show and explored their treasures, indulging in chips and candy. Gord reminisced about his childhood and shared stories. He explained that he and his brother made these plans of how to be the most efficient to get as much candy as possible in the time they had. He went on to telling stories of how his dad would drive and they would go to apartment buildings and the streets with the most houses. I remember thinking it was so sweet that Gord and Danny were having this bonding moment.

In the early afternoon on Halloween I wondered how it would play out. I wondered if it was going to be hard. I wondered if we would feel the absence of Gord. I wondered if Danny would miss his dad.

At 4:30 we headed over to a friends house for pizza and then began the trick or treating adventure. I thought Noah looked so adorable in his costume. He seemed so mature keeping up with big boys. His little  voice was so enduring every time he said trick or treat with his great big open mouth smile. Then finishing off with his sweet " Thanks". Gord would of loved to be a part of this. I'm sure in some way he was.

Danny and his buddy Lucas were on a mission. They ran up and down the driveways. Their bags became heavy and Danny invented a way to carry the bag wrapped around his shoulder and then hanging over the other shoulder. Such a fun activity!

There was so much happening. I couldn't help but live in the present. My boys were having a blast and I had a friend to share in the excitement. I felt so grateful to have another family to share this with.

I came home feeling a sense of releif, a sense of joy and a sense of pride. We had a great night and made great memories. I found myself remembering the prior year my dad joined Danny and I to collect candy while my mom handed out candy with Noah. I remember feeling amazed that we could have a good night so soon after Gord's passing. I had the same feeling of amazement. I felt a peace.

Last night I tucked Danny into bed, lying on our backs we smiled and giggled about the night we had. I turned to him and quietly said..." We had such a great Halloween and dad would be so happy for us."

Danny had a gentle smile come over his face...he hugged me and replied, " Yes, he would!"

To enjoy another holiday....was a sweet surprise!

What are the odds? Give me a break!

Broken arms, Halloween, awards...I'm numbing out. I;m trying to find my solid ground, something to  hold onto, to focus on. Easing my soul with candles, music and peppermint tea. Trying to soothe my spirit....deep breaths.

Danny's 3rd break rocked me. Only one week out of cast. The stress, the worry.  I was jolted back into a state of hyper arousal. It reminds of a time Gord and I were hiking and we came across a black bear. We backed up slowly keeping our voices loud. Adrenaline ran through our veins and for the rest of the hike each squirrel, rustle of the leaves would cause me to jump, cause me to flinch.

 I'm hyper aware, hyper alert, every little trip, or loud noise my boys make...I flinch, my heart surges...I just want it to stop. No more visits to the hospital.

I can't live like this. I don't want to live in a state of anxiety. I don't want to be overprotective.

 In jest; a friend suggested a bubble wrap costume for Danny. I laughed, but secretly wish this was an actual option. But somehow...I have to let go...I have to still let my boys live.

This has shattered my confidence. How do I trust in life? Crisis after crisis...I'm exhausted.

My first reaction was...this is unfair...this is too much. Why?.....Why can't life give my break? ( Pun intended)

Seriously! What are the odds?

Husband dies at 36! Six year old breaks his arms 3 times in 4 months.

Odds!

Turns out there are no rules in the odds of life. You can roll a dice 10 times and have the same number show up every time. I think I believed that life should have a more of a  natural balance. Some good times...some bad times. This is true,  however...it's not always balanced. This has been a highly unlucky time for my family. Why? Well... I can spend a life time trying to solve that question or I can decided how we will cope...how we will live it. Whether I like it or not, whether it is fair or not, whether I deserve it or not....this has all happened. This is our reality! I can be resistant, I can be in denial, I can be angry, I can be frustrated...but that won't bring Gord back nor will it change Danny's emergency visits to the hospital. It won't help us to be resilient and move forward.

This week Danny received an award for showing perseverance with a broken arm. The teacher was so impressed with Danny's efforts using his left hand and his ability to remain calm when he was faced with challenges. I  was so proud of him. It would be so easy to shut down, to become frustrated, to fall apart...day after day of struggling. I would never wish for my child to have to endure so much suffering. But he has....and although he has lost so much, he has gained something that will help him for the rest of his life. He has learned how to persevere through struggle. And he has done it with patience.

This last break has tested my perseverance...tested my patience. I felt like giving up. I felt like shutting down. Why do I try so hard? Why do I try to be a good mom? Why do I try to be strong? Why do I push myself everyday....when life just continues to push me down?

Danny inspired me! Danny reminded me life isn't about things running smoothly, getting my way or having things easy. Life is about making the best of what ever we have to work with.

I went to a session on single parenting yesterday. The man told us the number one way we can help our children to be resilient....is simply...maintaining our own positive attitude .

This life can be hard, I have a heavy burden to carry...the better I become at carrying this load, the stronger I will be. If Danny can shine in school despite losing his dad and coping with 3 broken arms, then the least I can do is pick my self up and try again. I want to be a positive influence on my boys. The best chance they have to continue towards having a good life is if I have a positive attitude.

The odds may not be in our favor right now...but odds are, no matter what we have to endure; we will still survive...we will thrive. We have learned how to live through pain, suffering and struggle. We have learned how to persevere.

Storing up Treasures of my Heart

The past 3 nights I've been dreaming. In each dream, Gord has played a main character. I've awoken with this a feeling of awe and excitement. I got to see my husband! The 2 prior mornings I had no time to reflect or process but this morning Danny has no school and I am not working.

I lied there, I wanted to fall back asleep, I wanted the dreams to continue. I started trying to remember the dreams...I tried to remember Gord in my dreams,

It was so faint, it seemed so far away.

A sinking feeling came over me. It is a feeling I've had so many times this past year. It is when I am greeted again with the realization that Gord is really gone. I began to tell myself in my next dream I should try to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him...these are still the things I continue to miss so much.

Then I really started to think about all the things I wish I could do and say. I wish I could tell him about how much his boys have grown and how much they love and miss him everyday. I wish I could tell him about my problems, about my accomplishments, my wishes and my fears. I would really love to have his grounded insight on a few issues. I can imagine what he would think but I still miss our conversations so much.

I have found companionship in friends, family and even pets. But my companionship with Gord was so special. I've learned how to live without Gord, I've learned how to be a single mom. It's an amazing realization to go from being dependent on a husband to feeling like I can do it independently. I no longer feel like a need a man to make my life work. Despite this independence...I still miss Gord. I miss our friendship, I miss our love.

In my day to day I have grown so strong. I really find myself able to function at a high level. I  have mapped out a life that promotes healing and has provided me with life long coping skills to continue to bare the loss.

In the early days I believed that I could out smart my grief.  I thought if I was very present to the grief process and honest about my feelings with myself that somehow I could get through faster,..heal faster. Why? Not because I want to forget Gord....I just wanted to get past the pain and get back to normal. But no matter how often you water a plant, it has a process...it grows at it's own pace but by watering it well..it will be healthier and stronger. This is my hope too.

From the reading I had done, there is no rules to the grieving process. It is a unique experience for each individual. A person has to process the grief through their own personality, their own history...their own perceptions. You have to process consciously and subconsciously. You have to process it emotionally, mentally, spiritually. You have to process through your social world and through your internal world. I read that some can get through grief as early as 6 months and some it lasts a life time. Typically young widows active grieving process last two years. The literature went on explaining that the first year is spent coping with debilitating shock, dealing with children, finances, wills, adapting to an enormous amount of change and rebuilding a new life. In the second year the dust settles, life finds a new order and there is finally room to process.

This has become true for me. My evenings, again I continue to miss Gord so much. I find tv shows pull on my heart strings. I've been taking guitar lessons and the songs I'm drawn to play also trigger grief. I cry to my kittens. However, it is not intense, it is tender. I'm no longer overwhelmed with jarring realizations just a sweet sadness remembering the love of my life, remembering our life. The grief doesn't pull me into negative thinking or cause a low mood rather I feel like I'm tending to  a wound that needs attention, a wound that still needs healing.

I've been visited by my husband 3 nights in a row. It is the closest to heaven I'll be on earth. I'm still letting go, still processing...still mourning my loss.

I know these dreams are a gift. I  will store them up with the treasures of my heart.

One Year Later

The one year anniversary came and went. Like Christmas there was a huge build up, plenty of planning, many emotions and then... it was done. I had that feeling like....oh it's done. I was tired, weak...empty.

The weeks approaching I found my stress levels rising. I wouldn't cope as well with life's daily challenges. Sometimes I felt irritable and anxious,other times sad. As the day approached closer and closer I found myself reliving the week before Gord died. I could remember it all, I could remember details, conversations, the weather, clothes that were worn. I was also revisited by visions and flashbacks of the trauma, the shock. Again my mind was trying to make sense of it. It  doesn't make sense. It all became fresh again...

October 2nd was the day, I woke up to my parents in my home and a plan ahead of me. It was one of  those days where I woke up and felt amazed that I was alive. I survived! I survived 365 days even though my husband died. Now I have a day planned to honor him...to remember him. I felt glad to have this day set aside. I think about Gord and our life, our old life every day...but this day I could go there, be there...live there...breathe there...find him...connect with him.

I kept Danny home from school and told him that his relatives were coming and we were going to join friends and family to remember dad. He didn't ask too many questions. I told him the plan...he thought it was great.

In the morning we attended a mass at the retreat center. I can remember out of nowhere I was attacked with intense anxiety. I was driving...Danny started singing...this helped. During the mass my legs were numb. I didn't understand how I could stand when I couldn't feel my legs. This was the same feeling I had at Gord's funeral.

However...this time I knew I was going to be ok. It made sense I felt this way, I knew it was temporary.  I knew this response was a reflection of the loss and trauma I experienced one year earlier and it was all starting to make sense. Gord really died and it really has been one year.

The mass was so grounding and uplifting. It reminded me of my beliefs that I carry in the depths of my being. In the Catholic church October 2nd is the feast of the guardian angels. This warms my heart. It causes me to believe that we weren't alone the night Gord died. That perhaps we all had extra prayers, extra guidance. I still remember the lady that helped me that night. She just happened to be there, she happened to be exactly what I needed. My other neighbor was right there...to take the boys.

 I also think..... where was Gord's angel ? Why wasn't he helped?

He probably was. He wasn't alone. He died at home with his family. Only 5 minutes earlier he had been driving. I'm so grateful he wasn't driving when he had his heart attack.

It`s not always easy following this faith, It`s not easy to trust in God`s time, to trust in God`s plan.

However, I choose to have faith, I choose to trust. I trust that Gord is in good hands and that some day I will join him.

A year ago I was paralyzed with shock.  I believed I would not survive. A year ago I had anxiety attacks daily because any little bump pushed me beyond what I was capable of coping with. A year ago I was averaging 2-3 hours a night on sleep meds. A year ago I lost 20 lbs in two months because I lost my appetite. A year ago I had lost the ability to function and needed full time support. A year ago I had no idea how I would continue to be a mom. I never felt normal...I was either plagued with adrenaline or weak and listless.

Today I am high functioning. I no longer have a nanny. I rely on a day home and a sitter. I am managing the household, the children and my life daily. I can cope! I have learned how to live with the pain, roll with the punches and have faith in myself.  I`ve learned how to support my grieving children. I`ve learned how to find a way to cover all the bases in the home. I`ve found healthy productive ways to cope with all the change, all the anxst and all the grief. I`ve learned that exercise balances me, my faith grounds me, writing heals me, music soothes me. I`ve rebuilt many relationships that have become a constant support.  I`ve learned to find ways to be grateful, to be positive...to be proactive. I have found companionship in friends, family, my children and pets.

I have new eyes. I`m quick to find the value in life now. I`m quick to make the best of poor situation. I`m resourceful when presented with new challenges.

I experience the world differently. A beautiful view will send goosebumps all over my body. My laughing children fill me with a light beyond my own. A strong true friendship leaves me feeling with indescribable gratitude. A loving supportive family gives me a feeling of togetherness...a connection I never want to forget. Once you`ve had your hand on death....life can feel more alive then you can imagine.

I wanted to remember Gord and give others a place to remember him, to visit him in Hinton. I chose the board walk where beauty and nature meet. We spent countless days there as a family. I`ve ordered a bench. I showed my family and friends locations that are pending upon approval. It seemed to bring others peace and joy to know that there will a special place to remember Gord in Hinton. My mom said she could imagine Gord beaming in heaven telling all the saints that he gets his own bench.

All these acts to honor Gord brought me such peace. In the end I felt grateful to have a day set aside to remember Gord. A day to be with family and friends,,,,a day to connect with my husband in heaven.

The following weekend a friend of mine told me that on Friday morning, following Oct 2nd,  Danny came up to her as she dropped her daughter off at school. He was glowing and full of joy. She said his that big blue eyes and large smile was so endearing...so innocent and genuine. He enthusiastically told her that the day prior we had a special day just for his dad. He went on and told her that he went to church, for lunch and then went for a walk on the boardwalk.

We all need to take time to remember the ones we love, we need time to acknowledge the loss, the love...their life.

It`s one year later. I still miss Gord, I still love Gord. I still cry sometimes. I still miss the life we had. However, in a year I`ve climbed many mountains. I have rebuilt a new life. I have become stronger, I have been healing. Lately, My connection with Gord is becoming more constant. I beginning to feel like he is always with us, always sees us....always loves us.

I just want to take this opportunity to thank all the people in my life who have offered support in the past year. Thank you for all the meals, baking, phone calls and cards in the early months. Thank you for private messages, emails and supportive comments on Facebook and my blog. All encouragement has helped me to keep stepping forward. Thank you for prayers! The grace of God has helped the boys and I through this time. I sense it and see it all the time. Sometimes....prayer is the most helpful act we can offer. Thank you.

One year ago...

I feel like I'm warping. Warping back...I keep thinking.... one year ago. I'm fixed on it. I want to look away but...it keeps pulling me back in. A year ago my husband was here, a year ago I had no idea I was going to lose him in seconds. A year ago I had no idea that the next day I would witness his death. A year ago I believed that really tragic events belong in books and movies and won't happen to me. This happened to me, this happened to my family. I really lost my husband.  A year ago my kids had a dad, we had a future planned with him, We had dreams with him.

Our new kittens have been more amazing than I could have imagined. I hear Danny each morning,..running, laughing and cooing over the kittens. The TV is on less, the boys are getting along better. Danny's smile is brighter, he is excited to get up in the morning and excited to come home. This is the happiest I've seen Danny in a long time. I'm falling love with these kittens too...it's unexpected and happening so fast. It reminds me of when my babies were born and the love is so instant and full.

But...I find myself, insecure, terrified of losing these kittens. They are so fragile and vulnerable. I don't want my children to bare more loss or heart ache. I'm finding myself fighting feelings of mistrust and paranoia with life again. I feel like I'm waiting for the next ball to drop. I look at my kids and I think you are here today...will you be here tomorrow? Am I going to lose my children the same way I lost my husband...in a second?In a life altering, shocking....mind blowing second. Life can happen in a second. I now know and truly understand that life is always fragile, always vulnerable. I know I can't live like this. I can't live in fear that I will have to bare more loss...or my children will have to bare more loss. I need my peace...that place where the world is OK again. I know where that peace lies...it lies in my faith. I beleive Gord is in a special place, I believe I will see him again. I believe in eternal life....therefore...I should not fear death.

What I do know is that we faced this loss and have survived the emotional torture. The pain again is rising it's head. I find myself overwhelmed with emotion. It's like living in two separate worlds at the same time. A conscious world where reality is in the present. A rational world where I can reflect and easily find all the blessings in my life. I can look back on the past year and see that although we carried deep sad feelings, we were always healing and moving towards life. We were not ruined. At the same time the subconscious mind still processing, still trying to understand the loss, the trauma...the different world. I feel a disconnect again...where my thoughts and feeling don't always line up.

But I know...I have to go through this time. I have to ride these waves of grief, shock, intense emotions and change. I have to take it easy, self care and rest. This will pass. I will find my road again that has been paved with healing. This is a part of the healing process.

Logically; what happened to Gord is rare. Rationally, most likely my boys and I have a good chance of not having to face more tragedy any time soon. There are also no guarantees. I can live in fear or I can live in hope.

I  choose hope!

I choose to embrace the moment, the precious moments, the learning moments, the simple moments...the amazing moments that take your breath away. I think if Gord could talk to me now, I imagine he would tell me to find a way a live...find a way to be happy! He would want us to find peace in the midst of tragedy and joy despite the loss. There is still so much to be grateful for, so much to live for. Happiness is all he ever wanted for the boys and I and many others he loved!

Nine Lives

Pieces of the Puzzle

It occurred to me this week; a  year ago Gord was gone on a work trip to Vancouver. It was an awesome week for Gord!  He loved learning and was so excited to be chosen for this conference to meet new people and be challenged in a new way. The focus of this week was learning about Myers Briggs personality. There is one night I recollect well. Gord had the opportunity to work with the woman in charge of the program. Ofcourse he took advantage of the opportunity to pick her brain. He called me and was beaming. He excitedly told me that he had told the teacher all about me and my personality. The teacher affirmed Gord that our personalities were a great compliment to each other. He was so proud that we nailed it. We found each other, we were good for each other and we had found the right formula for a successful happy marriage. I remember thinking this was interesting too....but he was elated about it.

I can't know for sure if Gord had a sense that the end was near for him, but after he passed I received a few emails from strangers that Gord had only known for one week. They were emails from the people from the conference. Both emails gave their condolences but also followed with assuring me that Gord talked about the boys and I the entire conference...any chance he had. They both shared with me that Gord had confided in them that he had known I was the one for him since the first day we met. The letters continued on about how Gord was so proud that I was his wife and loved the boys and I so much. Remembering this is surprisingly bringing me comfort. Surprising... because I'm not just fixed on the loss but rather I really appreciate how much Gord loved us and how good he was to us.

With the one year anniversary approaching I have been facing stronger, intense emotions...often times I can't put my finger on it. My insides have been more restless, disturbed...it's like a storm is brewing beneath the surface and the triggers are less obvious. At the same time I've gained so many coping strategies that...it's not overwhelming me. I've had more bad days lately....but circumstances haven't made this difficult time any easier. Danny has been discouraged with his broken arm and has been experiencing high levels of frustration. Although he is performing well academically and is socially doing well; the teacher has informed that he has been very tired at school. He has been coming home a different boy, one I don't recognize. It has been heart breaking. This helpless feeling has been following me, dragging me down...undermining me. I talked to doctors, school councilors....they all said the same thing, that his responses are so normal given his circumstances, we just have to get through this time the best we can. They told me to continue being consistent and predictable...that is always the best way to help a child cope with life. It has been so much for Danny, his losses have been piled on top of each other. He is still grieving, coping with a trauma and the many limitations.

A couple of days in a quiet moment before bed Danny asked me to snuggle him. He leaned in whispered. " We only get one life, right?"

" Right" I responded.

Danny continued, " I wish life was more like a video game where we could have more than one life. I would use one of my lives to be with dad."


We`ve added some new pieces to our puzzle. Over the months I've been considering a pet for our family. I've mulled over different possibilities. Lately for fun, we've been making trips to the pet store. The boys could never seem to get enough and kept begging for more. There have litters of kittens. They would let them out and both of my boys would just come to life interacting with these furry little friends. I knew this was a huge decision. I started really discussing possibilities with friends and family. Danny had started pleading 2 weeks prior... I told him I would seriously think about it. It was brought to my attention that two is better than one because it helps the kitten to not suffer from loneliness. I had a few discussions with the people who work at the pet store and all my concerns began to fade away. I knew this could be great for our family.





A year ago we received the shock of a lifetime. It was the most awful possible news our family could possibly have to bare. It has been a long year of adjustment and grief. The walk and the grind some days has been unbearable and exhausting.

Yesterday I gave my sons another shock. It was an amazing surprise. They are both so full of delight. There has been a non stop buzz in the home watching these little kittens chase, dart, hide, purr and snuggle. Both my boys are so naturally calm and gentle with the kittens.  They also naturally how to be playful with them. Last night after my boys were in bed, I had my chance with the little ones. They were busy, hyper and a joy to play with and watch. As their energy finally faded they curled up with me and I felt a warm feeling run through me. This is a gift for me too.

Parts of me are nervous taking on a new responsibility...but there is  a greater part of me that knows the work is worth the love.

Danny has been a new boy since we brought the kittens to their new home. It is activity he can do with a broken arm. I think the kittens are going to fill this home with a new joy...a new love.

I continue to experience both Gord`s absence and Gord`s presence. My mind, body and spirit is processing so much right now. The fall season , the rain, autumn activities... the memories are like shadows following me.

Losing Gord has been the greatest suffering of my life. The day he died...was the worst day of my life. It was when my world exploded. I`m not quite sure what to expect next week, I don`t know how to do this anniversary day, but I know I want to get through this time the best we can. For my boys I want to find a way to make this day  a day to remember the greatest love of our life. The suffering has been great but the love is still greater.

A year ago from tomorrow was one of last memorable days as a family, a family of four. We walked on the beaver boarwalk.  It was a Sunday, Gord was fully present with us, fully alive with us. I can remember our conversations, playing hide and go seek with the kids....the laughter. We believed we had it all.



September 29, 2013

Trying to put this puzzle back together without Gord looked impossible...but  we have started to. Pieces of our heart, pieces of our lives. He is still here...in our thoughts, our prayers, our hearts,,,,our story. We love him so much.

Getting Real with Reality

An experience like losing a spouse at young age jolts a person. It awakens you. Like any other time in my life I am faced with making choices.

Over and over I've had to face truths, reality. I can choose to avoid, deny, run and escape or I can be candid and authentic. I've done both.

What I have learned.

I have learned that facing reality often times is hard. It often undermines my ideals, my hopes  and my dreams. However, in facing reality...a new perspective emerges, new possibilities, new dreams and new understandings. It takes time, often weeks for me to find acceptance, but when I do I am liberated! I am no longer held to something that wasn't meant to be.

I have had to get real about my status, my identity, my kids life. I've had to get real about my limitations.  I've learned how to dream but have realistic expectations. It's a new balance. A quote Gord refereed to often, " Hope for the best and plan for the worst." To me this is the balance between optimism and realism.

As a natural optimist I can get lost in a dream world where life should follow straight lines and always have fairy tale endings. But I'm coming to see life is more like a white water ride. There is destinations but the path is unpredictable with unforeseen challenges. I'm learning to trust in the ride while being mentally prepared for these unforeseen challenges.

I'm adjusting my attitude and expectations.

The dramatic valleys I've had to face this past year is changing my world view.

I have two choices.

I could become a cynic and bitter that this life can seem to be full of chaos and unpredictability. I could live in fear that every turn could bring another tragic hit. I could be angry that I lack power in how my life unfolds. I could be riddled in self -pity that I have had to bare so much struggle, responsibility and trials. I could spend my days in misery...because I lost a man, a relationship that filled me in a way nothing else ever has. I could spend everyday comparing this new life of spending evenings alone, weekends often  alone to  my life that was full of conversation, companionship, support, love and fun.

Choice number two.

I can accept that life is unpredictable and often can seem chaotic but in the same breath still believe that there still is in fact purpose. I can believe that struggles, trials and even tragedies can be used to build me, make me stronger....give my life new understanding and new meaning. I can look around me and recognize that everyone has a story, everyone has struggles, everyone has pain and that misery and self pity is not going to add to my life. I can adapt and see that this opens new opportunities to have new passions, gives me time to build stronger bonds with friends and family.

A couple of days ago I took Noah to a coffee shop, we had a drink and cookies, It was a sweet one on one moment. He smiles and laughs so easily. We hopped over to the pet store for a visit next door. I watched him fill with thrill and excitement to observe each little creature. We played with kittens and watched fish dance about. It was one of those relive your childhood moments when you can vicariously live through your child's eyes as they become full of awe and wonder.

On the way home I felt a grin on my face, My heart swelled at the joy I had the pleasure of sharing with my son. It was long lasting, it was real, it was simple....joy.

So often I am faced with a gloomy cloud as I try to watch TV alone in the evening...and there is just no way to recreate that feeling. That feeling of love and security I had with Gord. That warm feeling. But it is lifting, I'm watching a NETFLIX TV series that Gord would never watch. It's so chick flick. Decent for a chick flick! I look forward to it, it fills a certain part of me. I'm making efforts to make the most of this single time.

The point I'm making is that my reality is often less than I would like. I could spend my days in waiting, waiting for the grass to be greener, feeling disappointment and discouragement or I could see that my reality, that my grass is still green right now.

I'm learning to squeeze the most out of the good moments, squeeze the most out of relationships, get the most out of today. I'm learning to roll with the bumps and challenges. They are apart of life, apart of every story, every adventure and every fairy tale. I'm learning to be open to change, to possibilities...to opportunities. I'm trying to get the most out of what I have, what the world still has to offer today.

Getting real with reality  can be disappointing, but accepting reality is liberating
and will lead you sooner to the place you are called to be. If I spend to much time missing the past and wishing for the future...I might miss what joy there is to be found today.

Frigid Friday

 I woke up with a heavy heart this morning. I have so much on mind. I'm crying easily. I miss Gord...I miss my life with Gord. Then I question myself...maybe it's just Friday morning burnout. The sky is grey...the air is cold and it looks like my morning might be spent in a mechanic shop. I had my breaks fixed a couple of weeks ago but I'm still hearing sounds. Not much to look forward to today. I'm a bit of a Eh-ore today.

There are days when my world looks fine again and I feel a general satisfaction and contentment. There is always a part that me that can't quite reach the joy I once had but I know my happiness meter some days is as good as most.

But then, there are days like today...where I lack motivation. Everything looks grey. It can feel as though all my efforts to make a better life are....not working. Last night was my first night back to Taekwondo, I should have been excited, it was suppose to make me feel better.

The Dday is approaching. I know I just need to find a way to honor Gord and celebrate his life but honestly, it was the beginning of the hardest time in my life, it has been so hard on my children s life. It is a day that is surrounded with darkness, confusion and shock. It is a day where my life shattered in a second...right in front of my eyes.

I'm trying to send my mind positive messages

" Maybe I will feel better tomorrow."
" Look forward to watching movies tonight with girl friends."
" Be happy Danny is loving school."
" Be happy that Noah is potty training."
" Believe it won't always be this hard, believe that someday this will all make sense and it will be OK, maybe even good."

But a deep sadness has crawled inside of me, I want to walk away from it, I want to just start my day...but it keeps welling up. I'm weepy.

One of the best ways for me to change my mood is to try and change my attitude, change my perception. I need to try and and look at this picture through a different lens...perhaps a brighter lens.

I'm still here, my children are still here. We are living. I have already climbed so many mountains. I've made it this far.

Sometimes...I just have to wait for the sadness to pass.

Maybe... music will help soothe my spirit. I have to keep persevering. I know I have not lost the mental and emotional battle yet. I will always fight...always try to find hope...always try to find a way to live this life well...even with the grey, cold and sad frigid Friday mornings.

First for the Second Time

" The best part about fall, is knowing that it is almost winter"
- Gordon Mark/ September 2013

It's been just a little less than a year since Gord's passing. The first snowfall has greeted our world a little earlier than last year. Today I feel like I'm experiencing a first for the second time. It seems like so much to digest...so much to process. I have my memories of snowfalls that are surrounded with Gord. But now I also have the memory of last year...shortly after Gord died; when it snowed for the first time.

There is something so familiar about what I am experiencing...but somehow at the same time it is so different. Last year I can remember the feelings were so intense and overwhelming I questioned whether or not I could survive my own emotional storm. Today...I feel a peace running through me. The snowfall is beautiful...I almost feel like I am having a surprise visit from Gord. I feel so connected to him. It's so easy to imagine his smile today and hear his laughter. I can picture his enthusiasm for the ski season appearing in the distance. I'm sure if he was here today he would be calling me from work already with all the snow reports for the different mountains. He would have a bounce in his step and he would talking about how his boys are going to grow up to be pro skiers one day.

Last year I was in a state of complete shock the day of the first snowfall. My world had turned upside down in an instant and I was completely lost in a new world. Now, the dust has settled around me...I see my new world more clearly. There is still a void but my mind has finally made sense of it, I have learned how to live with it. There are times now where thinking about Gord is still something I find myself avoiding because the sting is still so much to bare. But there are times like today where the memories and thoughts are so welcome, and they wrap me with warmth and love and remind me how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to have known and be loved by such a wonderful man.

Originally I believed that I would be more healed by this point in the process. It is obvious that I have gone through much healing, on the other hand I can see how my heart and mind still feels so much, is still processing so much. I've heard that many young widows experience the active grieving process for two years. This was disappointing news for me,  I still believe Gord is worth every tear...but it would be a great releif to have a break from the emotional pain. Like any injury...I'm always wanting to get past the pain.

I had an interesting discussion with my uncle last week. Often when people give me something new to think about it takes weeks for me to digest it. He suggested that some times people hold onto the grief because they are afraid that if they stop missing the person that would mean that they no longer love that person. I instantly related to what he was communicating. It has been a bit of a confusing time for me. I can go quite a while and not think about Gord now. I have a created a new life...and now that I haven't seen him in a year...I sometimes catch myself...just living without him. When he reenters my mind...some times I feel guilt that I hadn't thought of him more, that I hadn't thought of him sooner.

However, my uncle assured me that I will love Gord the same and always whether I think about him, whether I miss him...the love stays the same. It just is!

People often talk about moving on and letting go...as if it is a choice. To some degree, I agree with this...but only to a point. I think a person can choose whether or not they get stuck in the grief, whether or not it consumes them in an unhealthy way. However, I am observing in myself that the mind and heart will take whatever time it needs to process and heal. I told my uncle, that I'm not sure what moving on looks like, however I have always made an effort to stay real to the process and I've always made an effort to move forward and keep living. He agreed and affirmed me that I am doing great.

I appreciate that he challenged me in a new way. I've really taken the time to try wrap my head around this idea that I can love Gord even when I am not thinking about him or missing him. I can trust that he is forever a part of my heart, forever a part of my soul. He is imprinted in the deepest part of my being.

I am still healing, still processing...however; at the same time I have already found so much peace, acceptance and understanding.

Breaking point?

Is life picking on me? Have I somehow done something to deserve this seemingly endless suffering? What's my little families breaking point?  At what point do we lose hope, become bitter....stop fighting and just accept that life might in fact ....just suck?  I've had moments where all these thoughts have trickled into my mind. I have felt apathetic. I have had the thoughts that maybe I'll just accept I'm doomed to a hard life and give up on wanting more.

For 11 months I've been telling myself... When I get past this episode it will get better. In the spring I was faced with many first special occasions it seemed almost weekly, I remember thinking if I can just get to July 7th, maybe I can relax a little and try to enjoy my summer with my boys. July 13th Danny broke his arm. As the end of August approached, I told myself I have so much behind me. I looked forward to settling into routine, predictability, potty training Noah... Danny taking piano lessons and skating.... his first day of grade 1.

August 31st Danny refractured his arm. It was a more complicated break, he needed surgery...recovery is longer.

Crisis after crisis... It seems like I barely have time to catch my breath.

This crisis was different. I had a new skill set to try. In a previous counselling session I had decided  I no longer wanted to melt down in every crisis or large mishap. It was embarrassing, unproductive, and the intense emotional response was leaving me further depleted, needing more time to recover.

I wanted to be stronger, I wanted to respond differently.

She had me analyze my response and helped me to realize that I in fact was fully aware of my emotions and thoughts and therefore I could choose to react differently.

My initial response was to think... I can't handle this, I can't bare more stress. I would overwhelm myself with possible what if scenarios. I would imagine the worse. I would feel like life is unfair and hard on me.

None of this is helpful!

 First she challenged me to change my world view. I was believing that because I endured a tragedy that life should be easy on me. That somehow I should be immune to trials and further suffering. Wrong!!!!!

Life will continue to present challenges, trials and suffering regardless of what I already suffered. I will be stronger to handle bumps if I'm expecting them as opposed to becoming more and more frustrated and overwhelmed by every bump.

Secondly, instead of imaging the worst I realized that I can cope with any problem the same way I coped with the  abrupt loss of my husband. One day at a time, one step at a time. I need to believe I can cope...that I am strong enough to bare stress.

When Danny broke his arm the second time I remained calm. I quickly called neighbors to pick up Noah. As I continued to be faced with stress and disappointing news I remained calm and believed... We will get through this....one day at a time, one step at a time. We can handle this, we can bare this and we will get through this.

The whole experience lasted 5 days. I did it! I kept my focus on staying calm to best support Danny through this time. Through hours and hours of waiting, watching |Danny go through painful x rays, needles, hunger, surgery, post surgery.  I was able to stay strong for Danny. I never fell apart or became overwhelmed. It was empowering to see I had the ability to maintain emotional control under stress.

At the end of it all, after surgery was done and we got through the first intense day of recovery... I felt myself really relax and discovered that five days of sleep deprivation, care giving and remaining emotionally composed was going to leave me feeling weak and depleted.

It was discouraging to feel so weak and helpless, I  caught myself having  self defeating thoughts and tempted towards feelings of despair and self pity....but instead I told myself to be patient and I reminded myself that I will recover and strength will return again. I again stepped past the negative thinking, gave myself permission to be tired and weak and allowed myself the time to rest and recover.

It was unbearable to watch my son over and over have to bare excruciating  pain. It took so much strength to not become lost in his pain, to not become overwhelmed...

But I have learned that remaining calm and strong is the best way to help my son cope with pain... To help him believe...he can handle it.  It was the best way to solve problems and be able to make rational decisions.

Together we survived another crisis. I  was again inspired by Danny's true strength and willingness to adapt. Already his recovery is mind blowing.   I know the next few months will present many challenges. The true test is whether or not we can stay positive and remain hopeful and grateful as opposed to falling into self defeating thoughts, discouragement, self pity and disappointment.

There are parts of me that wonder if we really can cope with all of this suffering and struggle. There are parts of me that wonder if Danny will be disadvantaged with all this loss...all this pain and suffering. He had to miss the first week of school, will only have use of one arm...he will be losing out on so many activities...while already enduring the loss of his dad.

There is a greater part of me that knows my boys are not disadvantaged but rather have been given rare trials...that in the end will give them a greater strength, a greater depth...a greater understanding of how to cope and be resilient when faced with loss. Danny is learning how to still have a good life despite his losses. I won't let him give up on happiness.

So...is life picking on me and my family?Maybe! But it doesn't matter...what's more important is how we will cope with it, what we will learn from it and how we will overcome it. My breaking point... is up to me. It's my choice how I will think, how I will respond. Life will continue to present challenges. I know sometimes challenges will undermine me, make me weak, and over extend me...but I can just remain calm and after the storm... take time to rest, heal and recover.

I miss Gord so much right now. I miss his support and encouragement at a time where responsibilities are so demanding. I miss having his loving nature that brought our family so much peace and security. Marriage can be so enjoyable when life is good but it is also so sustaining in times of struggle.

Despite this intensive week I was so well supported with family. My dad was with us through many times in the hospital, helping me with Danny, helping me make decisions and allowing me to have time to take care of myself, while both my mom and Gord's mom took turns taking care of Noah. It was another bump in the road but I am so grateful we didn't have to travel it alone. I am so grateful for all the love, support and prayers.

God never promised life would be easy...he just promised we would never have to bare it all on our own.

Valuable treasures

What is value?...what brings value? Is value based on what we are able to achieve or contribute? Does our appearance give us value? Does the people we  know give us value? Do the places we go give us value?

I learned something about value a couple of  weeks ago. I was so incredibly inspired last week. These people that inspired me no longer cook for themselves, they can no longer drive, they can't walk with proper posture. They need help going up and down stairs. They are in pain most days and daily develop new limitations.

These people smile all the time, they laugh. They share stories, they share their joys and their hardships. Family and friends is their favorite entertainment and favorite past time. They find ways to bring value and meaning to their lives and others everyday. They LOVE! These inspirational people are my grandparents.

A couple of weeks ago I had time off from my boys. I  was able to take in many adult activities like shopping and eating out. However, my most rewarding moments were found...with people. I reconnected with friends and family in a different way. One morning I joined my brother, sister in law and grandparents for lunch. It felt like the first real conversation I had with my grandparents in 5 years. I had always seen my grandparents in large groups with constant distractions; taking care of the boys, and here we were... just the 5 of us.

I also had the privilege of spending time with my other grandpa too. He is 90. We visited just the 2 of us for two and half hours. We could of chatted for another 2 hours. My grandpa Daniel is one my favorite people. I have so many favorite people in my life but my grandpa has touched my life in a way that is so special to me. Visiting with him was such a high...at the same time a deep reminder of my loss. I was reminded that I married a man who reminded me of my favorite person...how fortunate that I could find this....how unfortunate he is gone.  I always told Gord that he reminded me of grandpa Daniel.


In high school I had to write many opinion essays for social. Knowing grandpa was so well read and actively involved as a citizen often writing letters to politicians, I took it upon myself to seek out his wisdom. Instead of wisdom; he showed me tools of how to research, organize information and form decisions based on well rounded knowledge.He taught me the value in evaluating all sides. He would present the information to me in an objective, balanced way and then he would ask what I thought. I like that he taught me how to think. It was empowering to develop my own opinion.

Our most recent visit consisted of jokes about his life. His latest joke is that he got another day to live today because they haven't decided who wants him yet. He told me about all the reasons he gets out of bed everyday...to help others get into their chairs at the dinner table and to write letters to the condo board to help everybody have the most comfortable stay. He is still able to read and is always caught up in all the news.  He caught me up in my own knowledge and appreciated any opinions I had to offer. I love that he still encourages me to think. His life still has so much value and importance. He could talk about all the things he can't do anymore...instead he is just so glad to be alive.

You should of seen how easily Gord and grandpa bonded. The two most well read people I knew in the same room led to some of the most fascinating conversations. They had such an appreciation for each other.

They did have so much in common. I love their gentle warm friendly natures. I love that they have so much interest in so many things...including an interest in people. I love that family is a priority to them and seeing their families " happy" is a priority to them. They both were adaptable, easy going and lovable. They both smile often, laugh often. They both believe in the good in others and seem to bring out the best in those around them. They both touched my life in a profound way. They both loved me unconditionally.


I left in tears. Tears of immense joy and tears of deep sadness. I'm beginning to experience life differently. Losing Gord has changed some of my most wonderful days, my most special moments into more complex...mixed emotions. I expressed this change in experiences with my councilor. I told her I missed my innocence. She challenged my view and suggested that  perhaps there was never such a thing as pure happiness...

I commented that before Gord died I could visit my grandpa and not leave with all these complex and varied emotions....just enjoy the high. Again she gently showed me that perhaps what I am experiencing is a more rich and a fuller spectrum of the human experience...that so often our experiences are layered with our past experiences and woven together with the present. This fabric of our lives often contain many colors of the heart. My deep rich emotional world is exploding a little younger than most...but it is what it is....so I guess the sooner I adapt... the better.

I really felt like I connected to my grandparents in a new way, a deeper way, a more profound way. I related to them. I now understand the depths of loss. I now have stronger understanding of what is it like to cope with huge limitations, to cope with being less...to cope and accept the reality of living with less...with loss. All of my grandparents have lost many close people and have lost many of their abilities. Although it is challenging for them to accept the loss of some of their abilities, some of their independence...they find ways to do what they can with what they can. My 85 year old grandpa just lost the ability to drive... At the same time he joined my dad and I to do a round of golfing. He exemplified a positive attitude and a sense of humor as we played the game. It was such a great way to bond and I couldn't be more proud to spend time with two special men in my life. My grandparents continue to find ways to live!!!

What inspired me the most about my grandparents....was despite their limitations, despite their losses...they still all live rich lives and they still bring so much value and meaning to their world in whatever way they can. Grandparents are some of our most valuable treasures.

Spending time with them reminds me to be grateful for all that I still have and to make the best effort I can to reap the most out of the life I have...no matter what the limitations are...no matter what my losses are.

I lost my husband when I was 37, however I still have 3 thriving grandparents. They inspire me, they love me....they bring joy. I am feeling grateful to able to spend time with such special people.

To me value is found in every little way we touch lives around us. The most simple acts of love give life significance, purpose and value. Finding ways to be grateful is where I discover how blessed I am...how much value all my life has.

Stepping past Discouragement

I wouldn't say I have writers block right now. I'm fairly certain that my fingers will write as freely as I allow them too. I will admit I feel inhibited. Sharing is becoming more uncomfortable...yet I still crave it. I think more than anything I am struggling with where I am at in the process. I thought it would look different by now. In many ways I am so different...in many ways the pain remains the same...I'm just getting better at living with it.

I'm a first time griever. I have no basis or foundation to look on as I go through this journey. I have read articles, books, blogs. I have been seeing a councilor since two weeks into the experience. I've really let go of trying to understand this grieving process or somehow make this experience more predictable. The past few days I have been low, bummed out...slightly in a depressive mood. At the same time...not really...because, unless I let anyone know that I am struggling...I come across as doing well. Which in some ways....I am.

Today I cried 3 times....each time it felt like I wouldn't stop. However...every time I did and I still managed to play soccer with my boys, do a road trip to Jasper with them to see a movie, get groceries, go for ice cream and go to the park. I fed them all their meals and snacks and put them to bed. I have my moments...but I push through and still make a good day wherever I can.

I miss him so much right now, all the time... I love Gord so much. I feel lost...because I thought that maybe over time the feelings would fade....I thought maybe the pain would fade. But now I realize that this pain is forever. The only way the pain will stop is if...the love stops.Then I proceed to think...but do I really ever want to stop loving Gord? It's impossible! I will always love him.

 I can never see him again, hug him again, hear his voice again...but yet I know that whether or not I want to endure this pain; my heart will love him forever. I don't understand how this works...I've never in my entire life yearned for something so intensely while knowing that I will never experience his life on earth again. It's still hard for me to let go of my what my hopes were, what my ideals were.

It seems to me, all I have left to do...is accept the pain, accept the loss, accept that there will always be a part of me that loves Gord so much even though...I will never see him again.

Tonight I talked to one of Gord's closest people. He assured me that loss is ok, death is ok, pain is ok. It's all a part of life....it's a natural part of life. Enduring great loss is a part of the human experience...it is an important part of the human experience. It is how we grow and get to see life differently.  It is ok...that I will have this pain for life...It is ok if I love for Gord for life.

 I can see why Gord was so close to this person. I think this is something that Gord would say.

Objectively, I'm doing very well. This friend tonight also shared with me that although it may feel like I'm stuck...like I am not moving forward...he assured me that I am making leaps and bounds in my life and he was amazed at my progress. He said that I am living life well.

It's challenging for me to appreciate how great my life is right now....because I am bearing deep pain. My world often still  feels like a bad dream I never signed up for. My world still often...doesn't make sense.

But that is not rational. This is how I feel in the moment...right now...maybe the past couple of days.

I still have a wonderful life....I just don't perceive it that way...right now.

What I can rely on for understanding... is the past 10 months to look on and how I have survived, coped and often times thrived. From day one I started making new memories...positive memories. I had good days, some great days and some amazing days. I've had many insights, epiphanies, moments of clarity and illuminating ideas. I have had many firsts as a young widow. This experience has also been excruciating, heart wrenching, debilitating. It has been stepping forward, falling backward and running in circles. It is still more like a maze than predictable journey. And although I so often feel like I'm regressing...weak. There is a side of me that knows that I am still in fact always stronger, always growing...always healing. I know I am always working towards acceptance, peace and understanding.

Wow, I'm glad I took the plunge and wrote this blog. This writing journey continues to bring me to new hope. Today I read an article about creative problem solving. The article touched on many ideas but what resonated with me the strongest was the idea that creativity leads to new ideas...new insights... which is one of the best feelings ever...which then can be shared with others.  I am so grateful for this opportunity to create...for the opportunity to share.

When I started this blog I was feeling discouraged at the idea of having to bare this pain for life, ...but as I wrote it became clear to me that although it is for life....it isn't everyday. I have many moments and even days that are pain free. This pain...although often feels unbearable...has purpose, is natural and this experience, this journey is all a part of full human experience. Although it feels hard right now...there are many good days ahead, many great days to look forward to.

Broken Bones Heal and so do Broken hearts

I have overcome all special occasions for the first year. I finally felt myself beginning to relax, beginning to enjoy the carefree life of summer. Last weekend, I spontaneously decided to soak up the hot weather and I blasted off to the family cabin.  Family and fun has become my new normal on weekends. It's easy to travel now and the cabin is relatively close...makes for a ton of fun with many of my favorite people to play and socialize with. On Sunday afternoon we found ourselves playing...My parents and boys were splashing in the sun. I know we were all missing Gord but I sensed he would only be shining bright to see us all bask in the summer heat and relive our own childhood memories.

The boys were so full of joy. To me; it is the height of summer to be with those you love and fully embrace those activities that only appear on these few hot Alberta days.

We have a large floating device that is pulled by a boat. This device has been the highlight for the kids at the cabin. On land...this device had more use, being flipped and jumped on. Danny had the brilliant idea of bringing this flotation device into shallow water.

My dad lounged on this tube shaped like a large sofa. Playfully, Danny thought it would be humorous to dunk his grandpa. With glasses and a hat on his head I held my breath to see his my dad's reaction. My dad exploded out of the water with a large smile and began teasing Danny and dunked him in return. Such a good sport! The playful games had begun.

Later on that afternoon we found ourselves again in the lake. I was following Noah, he is quite the fish under water as well. Grandpa and Danny returned to their dunking game on the large tube device. All I could hear was laughter.

Then...I heard a scream, Danny had broke his arm. He fell onto his arm with all his weight. His arm was evidently bent with a dip in the middle. Immediately; we were all in crisis mode. We all jumped out of the water. My mom held Danny as he shrieked in excruciating pain. I ran  into my little cabin to get changed and grab clothing for the boys. I became so infuriated. I thought." I can't believe this is happening to my family, to my little boy...again."

When we arrived, we covered Danny in blankets. He had stopped crying. I was in line to a triage nurse. My dad was with Danny, I noticed Danny began to turn white and looked as if he could pass out. I went to the front of the line, directly to the nurse and asked her to come look at my son...is he going into shock? Within minutes we found ourselves in an emergency room.

The doctor was going to need to straighten the arm. They were going to put him on medication through intravenous. However, this medication needed to be administered on an empty stomach. Earlier when Danny was turning white we had encouraged him to eat some granola bar. The doctor wanted us to wait 3 hours to administer the medication to wait for the food to digest.

Danny began to complain his fingers felt strange. The doctors decided the risk of waiting was a greater risk than administering the medication. The arm needed to be put back in place as soon as possible to avoid nerve damage.The doctor administering the medication pulled me aside, he put a form in front of me. In a very serious tone he informed me that this medication had possible life threatening side effects and I needed to give my consent. I felt my knees buckling...he waited...I signed.

As they administered the medication I held Danny's hand. My mind began to spin. I found myself praying...just like I did the night Gord died. All those feelings returned, all those feelings were triggered. I was having a hard time holding it together. I tried to stay positive, I tried to have hope...but my fears took over. I had to leave the room. I told my dad to keep me posted and to come get me if there was any problems. I found myself waiting...panicking...not knowing what to think again. It reminded me of my darkest hour waiting to hear about the news about Gord....I called my mom, she was understanding, she was helpful. I knew I wanted to be with my son. I pulled myself together and went back in the room.

He was heavily sedated, his arm was straight...he was in the clear. I felt releif...

The nurse informed me after that the complications that can happen with that medicine are rare....in twelve years in the OR he had never witnessed a severe complication.

That would of been good knowledge to have before I had a mental meltdown.

As Danny came to, he was joking with his grandpa and thought the experience wasn't so bad. He loved the wheel chair ,made a friend, had stickers, a balloon and had a tour of the hospital. His resilience and ability to live in the moment reminded me we were going to be OK. As well when Danny was 4, he broke his elbow and I had that experience to know that we will survive this summer too.  Seeing Danny's strength is a reminder to me of all he has already faced, all that he has already overcome.When he first broke his arm I was devastated at the idea of Danny having to endure more suffering.  I can see now...that he is strong enough to endure this...and so am I.

They wrapped him up with a camouflage cast, which seemed quite fitting for such a brave boy.

Finally they ended with x-rays which proved the bones hadn't perfectly gone back into place. They have been sent off to a specialist. We meet next Monday and we will discuss the x rays of Danny's  arm. It is likely his arm will need to be reset.

This whole experience has rocked me. My being feels disrupted, unsure. In some ways I feel like I have retreated back into survival mode...in other ways I am still strong. I am still able to maintain all regular activities but I am trying to take things slow again. I'm using all the strategies and tools I've acquired over the months to help me be resilient...to help me stay strong. Danny continues to amaze me with his positive attitude, his ability to adapt and his resilience. He doesn't complain about the pain or the loss of many summer activities. He just keeps moving forward.

It has been so heart wrenching to watch Danny suffer this injury, on top of all his suffering... but to see him bounce back reminds me there is hope.

This event triggered many horrifying thoughts and feelings...but thankfully this story has a different ending. Danny`s arm will heal, I will recover from the stress...and we will go on to have good lives. Right now it seems as if I'm waiting for the next ball to drop. I'm on alert. But we have survived it, and hopefully this experience will help me to cope better with future visits to the hospital, future emergencies...because with kids....they are going to happen.

Again; this experience reminds me to appreciate the moment, appreciate my kids, my family and my life.

When this first happened all I could think about is how Danny's summer will be so different then we had planned, our summer will be so different. However...in a quiet moment...in my deep disappointment; I kind of felt like I heard a whisper... to let go, let go of needing a plan. Although there is always a plan...it's hard to accept that I won't always get to have a say of how that plan unfolds. Everyday we are faced with letting go, we are faced with loss....but in the end we are still OK. We seem to have what we need, we seem to be able to bare challenges. Not always gracefully....but we bare them.

I would really like a break from life happening right now....But that is not possible. Life will always happen, especially if we are out living it! My little family continues to survive the obstacles that are thrown our way.  That is the hope I hang onto. Knowing...we can overcome adversity.

It's just a broken arm, we will get past this. We will still have a good summer, and a good life.

Broken bones heal....and so do broken hearts.