Marvelous Mondays

My mom emailed me a response to my previous blog, she asked me for my reflections about the end of the video when they just walked...

 In the end they just walked. Keep walking has been a common theme in my journey. No matter what, I always must keep walking, keep persevering , sometimes you have to leave your past in the past and move forward. I know that I don't want to get stuck in my grief. I find that when I face my losses, it really hurts but after some time I find my heart lets go and eventually I can think about that memory again and not have the emotional response and all I am left with is a precious memory I can hold to forever.

Last night I was feeling disappointed about my Sunday sadness. I wanted to somehow change my experience. Many times I've been able to help myself transition through predictable hard times by intentionally spinning it. Holidays, especially for my kids sake, I've learned to spin it. Alter it, change it. Grief is about coping with separation and transition. This year I won't always be able to cope with both at the same time. Typically, I have spent time grieving before and after the occasion, but for my kids sake this year... not during. They are young enough to become immersed in the occasions and begin to build new memories they can have. Predictably this may be harder for them as they age. But if we have new traditions in place it will make the grieving part easier. I have also tried to include Gord in some way in the day so we have a special way of remembering him...setting time aside to grieve.  I've actually read that during the active grieving process it is a healthy practice to set aside grieving time. Compartmentalize  time  to live,  time to play and the time to grieve. All are necessary and balance is always key. A daily journal is often a way to set time aside.

So changing Sundays....I went to my young widows bulletin board, I was going to post about my sad Sundays hoping for some discussion. I couldn't believe it...it was already there, someone else had just posted..." How to cope with Sad Sundays." The craziest part of all is this post was only up for a few hours and there about 50 responses. All the same...all have sad Sundays! Some had different reasons than others. Many had stories about how it had been the day their spouse died. That is not the case for me. Many thought it was because it is a family day...some couldn't figure out why...Sometimes I think it also because as parents we stay strong all week long and eventually we have to crash.

For me I know why...I've always known why. My boys feel the same way. We feel his absence on Sundays. He use to be so present in our midst on Sundays. His real presence...No matter how we spin it, no matter what we change, we feel it. There are some Sundays where I just feel his presence. But there are so many where I feel the separation. But... reading those posts last night I realized I'm not alone in this journey and I also learned that what I am experiencing on Sundays is totally normal given the circumstances. I could probably move, change what time I go to church, change who I socialize with and at the end of the day, Sundays would probably still be hard for a while. I believe it will become easier with time.

This morning I had a shift in paradigm. I realized that someday although Gord will always have a place in my soul, he will be a part of my past. I realized his life is now in the past. The past belongs in the past. I know I will continue to mourn many more memories but I'm starting to accept that Gords life and my life together is in the past.

Today I started thinking about all the relationships I have today. I realized that I have so many people in which I share parts of my heart with. I have many close friends and family that I have rich, deep discussions with. I have many people I share my faith with. I live on a deep level and therefore most of my relationships are deep. I will never know another person that is like Gord and that is awesome. Forever he will be that unique person that I was able to share nine years with. I never thought this void could of have ever been filled but it is starting to fill. I have passions, I LOVE writing. It is becoming a best friend. I love being active. I LOVE many family and friends. I LOVE my boys. I LOVE music. My life is full of wonderful things and although there are going to still be many moments, hours or days of feeling the void, I know it is starting to heal and someday I will be full again.

I cried my heart out yesterday. It was a great release. Not much fun. But today...I woke up renewed and I knew I would. I put my sad self to bed and told myself to let it go...that tomorrow would be a new day and I would feel better....and I did. Sundays are predictably sad but Mondays are predictably marvelous. Most people I know dread Mondays. I guess we all have bad days. Maybe I can use my marvelous Mondays to bring sunshine to others.

Sorrowful Mysteries

Sunday sadness...always seems to find me. It's been snowing for 3 days, it's March 30th and I can't find the sunlight. I feel like I'm being held under water. I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm drowning. Drowning in sorrow; in sadness. I had a vision today. I saw myself walking through a maze, at each corner I am greeted with a new face... a new face of grief, a new memory that surfaces. I'm learning I have to take the time to sit and visit, stay with the grief, the moment.

I am often afraid of my emotions. They can be overwhelming...but I'm learning...that it is OK. It's OK to be overwhelmed. I am still safe, I am still secure...I will be OK. I try to set myself up for success by finding ways to reduce stress in my life. But it still finds me....Sadness finds me, greets me, needs me.

Church is one my most emotional outlets. Due to the enormous group of people attending I wish it wasn't...but it is this place for me, whether I want it to be not.

Today Noah was an angel. I prepped my boys a few times. I reminded them, whispering and walking. Someday it will be...be quiet and be still. Yeah right! Anyways they were both calm, they played quietly. Noah snuggled many times. I found myself enjoying church with my boys. Ah...finally!

I still didn't catch much from the readings and the homily. I love Father Brian's homilies. Dependably, his wisdom is often simple and profound. Noah calls him grandpa. He is like a grandpa to all of us. I only caught the last bit, it was about being humbly obedient to the mysteries. He talked about doubt, and how it is part our faith journey. Yup, that's it, that is all I got.

 For a second my mind forgot Gord is gone.

 I thought...Gord will catch me up with what I missed. Then it hit me...again...he is not here..

I miss our Sunday post church chats...or should I call them mind blowing deep discussions. Exploring my faith with Gord was like exploring space or exploring under the sea. It was endless. He could go anywhere, discuss anything and he so often blew my mind.

We went to a bible study last year with a few other couples from our Parish. It was more like a course. It was highly philosophical and educational and Gord and I loved it. Well... to be honest ,Gord often saw it as an opportunity to have a nap, but he always seemed to get just as much out of it as I did.

Today, I had a memory before church. It was a feeling, I remembered the feeling I had when Gord I shared a deep thought. It was a feeling like our souls were connecting in a special way.

It was a new concept that we were learning at the bible study. Something along the lines like God is always dynamic to us, the church is dynamic to us for the simple fact that there is just to many different angles and perspectives to understand God. To Gord this was such an exciting realization. God is so much more than us, than our human minds can even begin to possibly comprehend. Gord loved analyzing...anything, the more angles..the better. My mom has often compared the relationship with God to be like a 4 year old to a grandfather. There is so much to learn, there is so much to understand and sometimes mystery is left to faith...to humble obedience.

I sat with this loss this morning...at church...at church I cried, I mourned.  When I left...I burst into tears again. I went to McDonalds, I felt bummed out, I felt sad and I didn't pretend. I'm sick of the snow, I need this winter over. I was missing Gord, my intellectual guide...my soul mate.

I miss sharing deep thoughts, I miss having my mind blown, I miss having someone that challenged me. I am full of sorrow to suffer this great loss.

I'm starting to have a predictable response. Somewhere in my tears..I find resolve. I come to same conclusion every time.

....But he is not here. He is now gone. Permanently...I will never have an intellectually stimulating, mind blowing conversation with Gord ever again. And this is the truth...whether I like it or not, whether it is fair or not...whether it is sad or not...it is still the truth.

At every corner of this maze when I am faced with a truth, a grief , a loss.... I have a choice...

I can either make peace with the loss, or I can walk away and have to return to revisit that loss again. I can look back over the past six months and see I have made peace with so much loss..I have traveled so far on this journey....but the road continues.

 Today I choose to make peace with the truth, to accept the truth, to accept the loss, I also accept the sadness.

I can't change what has happened. It has happened.

It's not fair, it's not easy....But no one ever said that life would be easy or fair.

I'm glad I have so many memories talking with Gord...they will forever live in mind and my heart and forever I will find them living in a part of my soul.

Everybody Hurts -REM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rOiW_xY-kc

Everything hurts today. I'm sitting with the sadness. But I'm going to HOLD ON! I'm will keep walking...I'm holding out for more sunshine. It's in the forecast!

Just needing a hug...from him

It's Saturday moring...I'm in my pjs, drinking coffee. I made french toast this morning, snuggled with my boys. I've been on the computer listening to music. I've made new routines and it's starting to feel normal...
I feel happy today, I feel proud that I'm finding my new life and it's good.

...But....I still want to share it. I feel happy and I miss Gord at the same time. I can feel him with me now...always...inside.....but I miss the humanness...the hug, his voice...his laughter..his smile.

Saturday mornings were some of my favorite moments with Gord. Coffee, conversation and Gord. He always had so many topics running in his head. It could be so random. So interesting!  He would get excited! He would get excited about his own ideas. It was hard to turn it off. He would get going and lose himself in his own ideas. But I loved it!

We valued each other more than our house, our garage and our yard. I tried to stay on top of it all...because predictably on weekends we just enjoyed each other, just enjoyed our family. The morning would get away from us and then in the afternoon it would be time to have fun with the boys and many Saturday evenings we would find a way to sneak away for  a date night.

Sometimes I think he knew...

This past summer we had so much fun! I have so many memories having a blast with my husband, with my family. We had dates almost every week last summer. We went mountain biking, for dinners and  movies, we went to concerts and music festivals. Gord always included me. He invited me to all the "  evening safety meetings," ( Code for drinking at pub with coworkers).I'd ask him if other wives would be there and he would reply that  he didn't care, he wanted me to come.

We had endless fun with the boys. We went to the beach, the spray park, every park in town. We went to the cabin and we went camping. We went for many walks and bike rides. He was with us!

Everyday I feel like I am getting closer to Gord in a different way, in a special way...but today I wish I could see him, be with him....just to have a hug from him.

The Invisible string

I was planning to take the day of blogging...but I can't resist. I received the most thoughtful Birthday card ever today.

About 2 weeks after Gord passed I received a children s book in the mail from an old friend. It has been suggested to have Danny draw his memories, art can be very therapeutic for children....except if they don't like to draw. Drawing is not Danny's favorite activity.Anyways this book was called the " Invisible String". It is about 2 children who are terrified of the dark during a storm and they  don't want to be alone. The mom explains to the children that there is an invisible string that goes everywhere. Everyone has an invisible string. When you think about someone, it is because they are thinking of you and tugging on your invisible string. The invisible string can go anywhere...space, ocean...even heaven. For about a month Danny wanted to read this book everyday.

Still to this day Danny he will ask to read that book if he is missing his dad. I have often reminded him of the invisible string when I send him off to school. I remind him I'll be thinking of him too.

Danny gave me a birthday card this morning. He had my mom draw the picture. Last weekend my mom told me to know that the card was entirely his idea. But she didn't tell me what the idea was.

At 6:30 this morning Danny came running to me with this card and an enthusiastic Happy  Birthday. He passed me the card and said the flower in the heart is the invisible string in mine.

Tear...

Some people seem to have it all !!!

It was a rough start this morning. I'm still feeling emotionally fragile, but I'm in tune with myself and my prediction is I will be well tomorrow.

As the day continued  I came across new perspectives and deeper truths. First of all I should let you know that Danny left the conversation as if  it was no big deal. I was a bit misty eyed after he said that the saddest part was seeing me cry and then he continued on about how much his heart hurts when he misses Gord. I assured him that I'm much happier now and although I still cry sometimes I have found so many reasons to be happy everyday. He smiled and skipped off to play.

He left my heart full of emotion but he went to school with a smile on his face. I have so much to learn from my boys. They are real...they live...they move forward.

In an intimate conversation with my mom, she shared with me her perspective of this mornings blog. Although it was quite sad; she said she felt encouraged. She was delighted that Danny felt comfortable enough to open up to me, to share with me. She said she was so grateful that I could help Danny work through his misunderstandings. She pointed out that it could of been many, many years that Danny could of lived with his misunderstanding. Instead, at age 5, 6 months after the trauma, he is talking about it, healing from it and learning the truth. My mom said she was so proud of me for having such a rich bond with Danny. Hmmm....I thought, I guess she is right.

 I could have self pity and pity for my children. I could complain...but I'm not sure there is that much to complain about. I;m  fairly sure complaining or pity won't bring Gord back. He's not alive....but we still are! We have a life to live!

I can't change what has happened;  or what my kids have experienced but I can be the best parent possible given my circumstances. I can be there for them, I can support them, I can love them. I can also trust that someday we will all heal, be transformed...be restored. I know this is possible.

I know that we can make the best of the life we have been given.

This reminds me of a quote

Some people seem to have it all....
It is because they make the best of it all.

When Gord was alive we both thought we had the best of it all. Part of that best was having each other but the rest of our lives were good too. I'm starting to believe again that despite losing one of my most precious treasures in my life...I still have the best of it all. There is still so much life, so much goodness, so much joy, so much to celebrate, so much to experience, so much beauty.

From Monday to Wednesday night I didn't cry. This is epic! I didn't shed a tear for almost 4 days. I was exhausted from the weekend but somehow....I was happy. The joy I experienced from the weekend carried over for four days. It was like a holiday from work. I basked in the calm and contentment. A part of me knew this wasn't the end of my road...but a part of me knew this was a start to a new beginning. I can go hours, sometimes even a half day without even thinking about the grief, missing Gord, or contemplating my new life. I'm really just living now and what am discovering is that..... I have a good life!

It's my birthday tomorrow, I mostly feel excited. I have a great day planned with a combination of relaxation and celebrating with family and friends. Tomorrow I want to jump out of bed knowing that it's a special day. I want to remember all the good my life has had to offer to me and be hopeful of the good ahead in the future. Gord was a great guy to celebrate birthdays with. Any excuse to eat and drink worked for Gord. I was trying to uncover my memories of my birthdays together with Gord and surprisingly I couldn't put my finger on any particular memory. I remember many years ago in Grand Cache he bought me a folk acoustic guitar, it's beautiful. I know we did date nights, I remember going to the Overlander with Gord and my family for my 35th. The food was awesome! Last year a bunch of us met at DQ for ice cream. Do you see a trend here. FOOD!  Gord was always great to celebrate with and I know he will be celebrating with me tomorrow. The more I let go, the more I realize he is always there. He occupies a part of my soul and I'm finding out that I can go there whenever I want and find him. He is still there.

It's suppose to be spring...I'm fairly certain this is the longest winter ever......

This is the most snow I have ever seen on my birthday. It has been the longest winter of  my life and I'm still here. I'm still here to tell the story. I survived the past six months. I have worked my butt off to be a  happy mom, to work through the grief, to be a better person despite my loss. And I'm here, I'm alive and I want to celebrate!!!!

It's going to be a  good, good life !!!! - It is a good life!

There are 5 people I want to dedicate this song to...they have been there since the beginning and they will be the ones I know we always be there until the end. You know who you are...I love you!

Also this song is for my two little angels that walk with me everyday. They have taught me so much about love, compassion and life. They have been my purpose to get out of bed everyday and persevere.

Good Life
- One Republic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZhQOvvV45w&feature=kp

Broken Hearts

Last week Danny really started to actively grieve Gord. It broke my heart, and he was so overwhelmed with emotion he was scared of it and was unable to express himself. I was desperate for him to talk more, I felt so helpless.

This morning Danny started to talk.

It began with our early morning ritual where the three of us snuggle and share our dreams about the night before. I use to feel frustrated with the early morning start and I'm starting to really embrace this time. Danny and I talked about going skiing for a day over spring break. He was hoping he had more ski lessons but they have come to a close. I explained to Danny that I could ski with him and that I couldn't wait to see him action because I had been told he was such a natural. He replied sheepishly that he sometimes falls. I assured him that even the best skiers in world sometimes fall. It's part of being a great skier. He inquired," Did dad ever fall?"

"Oh yes!", I responded. " He always called it a yard sale."

Danny thought that was hysterical.

Danny has always been a bit of a ham. He loves to make others laugh and just seems to get humor.

Over breakfast Danny brought up the night Gord died. I was so present to him.

 " The noise", he said, " It was so loud."

He went on to explain that he  knew something bad had happened. With his head his demonstrated how when he came upstairs he looked into the living room and scanned the room by moving his head side to side. He was trying to make sense of what he saw.

He continued by saying that he saw dad lying on the floor and he immediately thought he was dead.

I added that the paramedics were there trying to save his life.

"Yeah,I  use to think they were bad guys but now I know bad guys are only in video games and movies.", he replied.

I assured Danny that no one killed dad, he died of a heart attack.

Confused, Danny asked, "But doesn't a heart attack mean he was fighting?"

My heart sank...I thought I had explained what happened that night. I had read that it is really important to be as truthful as possible with the details but somehow the truth got lost in translation.

I reexplained that a heart attack means your heart stops working. I further explained the role of the heart in the body. Danny showed mixed emotion..he seemed relieved to know his dad had died of natural causes but disappointed he hadn't known the truth sooner.

I pushed for a little more and asked him how he felt seeing all this transpire. I asked if he felt sad or scared.

I anticipated he would feel both. I imagined it would of traumatized him the same way it traumatized me, but to my surprise he said...." I was sad....because you were crying."

My son has seen me broken, and that breaks his heart.

Tears are streaming down my face right now.

I can't believe we have all had to endure this. I can't believe my two little boys had to witness something earth shattering... We have been robbed of our innocence, and Danny is only 5 years old. I can see in his eyes that he knows more than he should. He said he saw a video where blood shot out of a guy, and I convinced him that hadn 't happened when dad died. And Danny replied. " But that could happen to someone."

He already knows horrible, disturbing...life altering events can really happen. I'm having a hard time accepting this happened to us, I'm having a hard time understanding how we will be OK. Logically, I can see that we are all continuing to live, continuing to thrive but there is a part of me that fears there will be parts of us that never recover. I've been able to rationalize and intellectualize possible good that can come from such a horrible experience. But when it comes to my boys suffering..my boys having to cope with witnessing their own fathers death....I can't find the good...I feel lost.

Sometimes I feel devastated about the fact that Noah won't remember much about his dad. Gord was so in love with Noah. He loved Danny too of course. But Noah was his second born and he was so much more comfortable as a dad. It was like when Noah was born, Gord had all his confidence. He would come home from work and carry him around until bed time. It was such a special bond. I try to tell Noah all the time how much his dad loves him, I show him pictures of his dad carrying him.... loving him. I'm not sure it is registering.

But today I'm grateful that one of my sons may be spared from remembering the trauma.

Today my heart is broken. broken for my boys. The hardest part is knowing that the hardest part for them is seeing me broken.

I pray that God will heal our hearts and bring us to a higher understanding. My hope is that my boys and I still find a way to live full lives and find a way to believe that the world is still full of goodness, joy and beauty.I pray that we will be transformed by this experience that it somehow can bring goodness and healing to others, that we can use this experience to be compassionate...to be good!

Gord.... of the Rings! My reality and my story...

Within days of Gord's passing I found myself on Google...searching...wanting to understand, wanting to know what to expect. I remember coming across a young widows blog.  Her entry was about her wedding rings and her decision to remove them from her finger. I vividly remember this moment. I was not ready for that moment. It struck me.... I was no longer married. I could not accept that truth at that time. I could not imagine taking off my wedding rings ever....

I loved being married. It was always a dream of mine and it was better than I could of imagined. I loved the security and stability that came with marriage. I loved having a best friend to share my life with...to the share the everyday with. I loved having someone that intimately knew my story and still loved me with all the imperfections. I loved having someone...where even on sick days in our pajamas, eating left overs, watching movies and having naps... was still considered a good day. I loved having someone that fully knew my whole history and could be there to bounce ideas off of, to plan with, to vent with. to celebrate with. I loved knowing that I had someone who was always going to be loyal, reliable.I loved the idea that someone was always thinking about me, always loving me. I loved having a partner to parent with, to affirm me,to challenge me and to encourage me. I loved having  someone who enjoyed and loved my kids as much as I did. I also loved having someone to think about, to support, to encourage... to love...

 I had an amazing marriage and now I'm no longer married.

As the months have passed I would look at my rings and ponder. I had gained weight since the wedding day...so it made it easy for me to continue to fail to acknowledge this reality. There are so many things I have  had to accept regarding this concept of not being married.

First of all, I'm a single parent. It has been an overwhelming amount of adjustment getting use to assuming many new responsibilities. I still struggle with accepting that I have to be responsible for it all. I almost ran out of gas coming down the ski hill because I failed to pay attention. I haven't had to pay attention for 9 years. I've had to fill the windshield washer fluid 6 times since Gord passed. I had no idea he filled it that often! Small job...yes! First time my neighbor had to help me figure out how to open the lid. All these first are intimidating, overwhelming and a reminder that I have to learn how to do it all my own. I watch other couples now and I see how they depend on each other and I also see they have no idea of how many ways they support each other. When you are use to being a team, playing solo is tough.

I have had to accept that I am single and if I ever want to remarry, which I pray I do, I will have to date again. DATE!!!! AHHH! I don't know how to date, where to start, I don't know what I'm like being single around single men. Do I really have to this again?????

I've been hanging out more on the young widows bulletin board site and discovered the dating section is where I fit. Everyone there is healing and moving forward. It has been great to find a group who have explored or are exploring this world and there is a wealth of insight.

Good news...young widows that came from healthy happy marriages are more likely to date sooner and marry sooner because basically they have a high opinion of marriage, men and themselves. They also have less grief to work through because there is less unresolved feelings. Awesome! So I tested the waters a few weeks ago and went to the bar. It was very affirming for me. I quickly discovered how strong I am and how I definitely still know how to talk to men. It was also affirming to receive a little attention. I also quickly realized I that the outgoing, immature drunk guy really isn't my style anymore and I figured I would probably be much more interested in the professionals visiting in the booths. The only problem is they are less approachable because they really don't look like they are looking. Anyways, what I really came away with knowing is that I'm a great woman and I know great quality men are out there, and for now that is all I need to know. I don't feel like I am in a rush right now. As much as this independent life is challenging I'm seeing the value in doing this on my own first. This grief isn't going away any time soon and I'm observing that I continue to get stronger at coping with it and I'm establishing some life long coping skills. I am learning how to manage it and I can see the worthwhile endeavor to continue building these skills.As well, I think it is beneficial for me to master how to be a single mom before really entering another relationship. If I've learned anything from this whole experience, I've learned it's good to share the load... it's also good to know how to carry it all on own....in case one day...you might have to.

About a month ago...I was resting in bed, in the afternoon, I was playing with my rings. They slowly came off. I've lost weight since Gord died, enough that the rings came off. I held them. They felt heavier than I remembered. They were warm. My finger felt shaky, unsteady, unsure.

Gord is a mining engineer. Buying a ring was way more than buying what was in fashion. I remember telling him, I would rather spend thousands on a honeymoon than a ring. I wanted something nice but I still like holidays better.

I am going to tell you about the awesomeness of the engagement ring. It has been around 7 years since Gord has explained this to me so forgive me if I'm off with some of the details. The metal is platinum. Gord assured me platinum is the best metal. He said that it is the only metal that doesn't scratch away. He told me that if I ever get it shined it would return to it's original state. I forget the kind of cut it has, all I know is the cut reflects the most amount of light. It's simple, it's beautiful and it is a Tiffany ring. I know he got it online, on Ebay. I thought that was just fabulous. We ended up with a 3 week honeymoon on an Alaskan cruise followed by camping along the Oregon coast.

As I continued to remember all this I really came to see how valuable these rings are. We really had  a wonderful marriage, we really shared unconditional love, we made two beautiful children and although I do have to make peace with my reality I also have to remember the story.

I thought about all the possibilities...I could have them altered into a different type of jewelry, I could put them with his ashes, I could tuck them away. After many minutes of contemplation I decided to put them with my grandma McRae's wedding rings which I received when she passed. It felt right!

Days went by and I thought about the rings constantly. I just wanted them with me. I finally decided to attach them to a necklace. This feels right...they are no longer on my finger and it is helping me to accept that I'm not longer married but they are with me and remind me that they are always a part of my story.....that Gord will always be a part of my story.

I have found love within myself

This morning I'm writing simply for the joy of writing. I'm not analyzing my ideas; wondering if they will appeal to my audience, I'm not dreaming up the most creative blog that will attract the most attention. I just want to have the opportunity to express freely. Hopefully others will appreciate it, and if not..... at least I will enjoy the experience....the gift.

I have discovered a new past time. It has always been available to me. Before I lost Gord I never saw the value in it. Solitude! It is my  place of refuge. It is where I find my peace! I can feel my mind slow...fade out. I will gaze off and lose myself to myself. I find I enjoy my thoughts...my breath, my life. I can explore my mind without limitations, without judgement, without boundaries. I don't have to be on...I don't have to be anyone.

Last weekend I experienced  time of solitude....

 When I first planned the ski day to Jasper I was still struggling with being alone. It was so uncomfortable. I felt like I didn't exist. It felt like,  if I couldn't share myself with someone, it was like I didn't exist. I felt like I was missing out. I felt meaningless. Originally, I had booked a room with my parents, because I thought it would be hard to be alone.

Now I have spent almost 6 months alone at night. I'm alone often in the day. I'm starting to appreciate this time. Sometimes I still feel insecure in these moments...but usually I enjoy them. It's becoming my time. I still have high social needs and I'm usually able to meet those needs, I continue to find ways to meet my social needs. I'm fortunate to have a few friends and family that made themselves available early on, on a consistent basis. Three days a week I can count on someone being consistently there for me. Two days a week I have Taekwondo where I have made some good friends to socialize with. In between those times I find myself at play dates, McDonald s and the indoor playground. I have family members that call regularly for little chats. I'm feeling satisfied socially.

My moment of solitude in Jasper!

 Weeks before my excursion to Jasper I realized by sharing a room with my parents I was compromising my freedom and independence. I didn't want to have to check in with anyone, let them know when to expect me, worry about waking them. I also remember thinking...I may want to have people over in my hotel room. I thought about it and confidently knew, I would be quite content on my own.

I only slept 4 hours Saturday night. I had the opportunity to sleep in but my body is trained. I was alert at 6 am. Initially I was disappointed and frustrated but before I knew it I was visiting with my sister in law. She saw I was online and sent me a text. We had a great chat, went for coffee...then I started to feel tired so I escaped back to my room.I gently fell to the bed. The windows were large that opened up to a spectacular view of the mountains. It was a mild morning. The sky was a light grey with hues of purple hanging around the peaks.

I gazed off and felt a peace run through me. I cherished this moment. Memories began to flood my mind. Surprisingly, they were not memories of Gord. This was healing. I have such a deep connection to Jasper. In the summers of my second and third years of University I moved to Jasper. They were some of the most memorable summers I can recall. I was revisited with feelings I experienced while living there. Just an awesome feeling, being in such a beautiful place. I feel so connected to the mountains...I can't quite put my finger on it. They always inspire me...their massiveness, their beauty, their age....They bring me so much comfort and peace.

I'm daily finding peace. I also still have many moments where I yearn for Gord...I feel lonesome for his presence...his life. There are times where my entire being feels deprived of love and affection from Gord....from a man. But sometimes I feel full of love from others and sometimes...in moments of quiet... I find love within myself, for myself, for my life...for my beautiful world.

Joy has found a home among us

In memory of Gord I organized a ski day in Jasper. I had a good feeling about the event but I couldn't of imagined how wonderful it would be. In anticipation I had expectations, but the gifts and healing that came was beyond my comprehension.

Everyone was happy...full of joy. A highlight for me was sitting at the top of the mountain surrounded by people who loved Gord. We took a group pic. Facing down hill with voices deep, loud and proud we all shouted GORD!!! as we unleashed down the run. The feeling of togetherness was one of most amazing experiences I ever had.

There were many stories. Gord was brought back to life through the sharing of memories. Everyone shared! There was a thread of familiar stories. Favorite stories revolved around his family, his work life, his party life and memories of skiing.

Family was a high priority with Gord. Quality time was everything to him. Both our little unit and extended family was always important to him. He took care of those he loved and enjoyed time with them.

At work he was  fondly described as the disheveled guy with his shirt half tucked in, his socks pulled over pants and Gord being oblivious to all of it. He had a reputation of not fussing over presentation but he was always reliable when it came to the numbers. He often astounded his coworkers with his ideas.All his coworkers enjoyed his easy, friendly nature and interesting ideas. He was known as a  great mentor,  boss and  friend.

 If you had the chance to party with Gord, it was memorable. He had enthusiasm  and way of  being excited about everything. It was all about interesting discussions, inside jokes and favorite beverages. With Gord it was a guaranteed good time.

 On the ski hill, with Gord every run was like Christmas and he could never get enough. It was his passion! All in all he was unique individual that touched many lives. He will always be remembered by his corks, his character and his dignity. I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity to share these memories with others.





Dinner was such a great party. The lounge had  a funky atmosphere and there was a buzz of cheer in the air. I loved observing people from different groups mingling, sharing memories....laughing. So many people said..." Last time I saw everyone, they were all falling apart...now everyone is full of joy."

It was incredible to be with my family. It wasn't until we were all together that I realized what a strain it was to be apart. I loved the feeling of just seeing them across the room, just feeling their presence, hearing their voices. We all saw each other with new eyes. Hearts were mended, bridges were built and love overflowed.

It is amazing....there has been healing.  I can't speak for anyone else but for me, this Saturday...there were no tears. There was laughter!

Gently another moment of clarity appeared...

We could all be together, be happy...share memories...laugh. However...at the same time, we all loved Gord so much, miss him so much. I realized it's really OK to be happy. I can really love Gord, miss him and be happy at the same time. Laughter is healing too. I learned so much from laughing.

Church on Sunday was a stretch. I was tempted to give myself permission to skip out. I'm so glad I went. Church is where I find my God, my relationship with God. It is also where I often find Gord. I was praying...thanking and praising God for such a wonderful weekend...then I heard him. I heard Gord.

Quietly, yet full of joy...I heard him say thank you.

I felt so overwhelmed I began to weep. How privileged am I that I was able to do something so special in honor of Gord and he felt honored. This journey has often felt so unpredictable and confusing...I often feel like I'm walking with my eyes closed. Somehow I keep being lead...Lead towards healing.

In my past I think I have often believed that every incident in life was merely a curse or a blessing and I was just living at the mercy of whatever life threw at me. But now...I'm beginning to see that every incident is an opportunity.

It wasn't a perfect day! I knew going into the day that it might not be endless bliss. This day was a big event like a wedding, and on my wedding day I learned that there are no days that are pure bliss. Life always happens everyday. My wedding day was an awesome day but it had bumps. I was quickly reminded of this reality in the first hours of my day. It could of ruined my day, but instead it grounded me and reminded me to keep the big picture in mind. Reminded me to learn from moments instead of letting them break me.

Cruising up the mountain I was blaring my favorite tunes. I was on natural high. It seemed to me like Gord was joining all of us and I couldn't wait. Although I knew I would bump into many people spontaneously I wanted a buddy to travel with. A girl friend of mine had the first few hours by herself so I planned for us to hook up at 10 am. I was a bit late. I waited. I tried sending texts...my phone wasn't working. I felt my heart start to sink. I waited. I tried to call my brother...my phone didn't work. I felt like I was falling. I remember thinking...this is suppose to be an  awesome day. Why is this already happening? I felt disappointed, discouraged and frustrated. I waited.

Then I changed my thinking pattern. I thought....sometimes life happens, sometimes life is disappointing. I opened my mind and thought...maybe this is a good thing, maybe this is suppose to happen. I reminded myself that this will still be a good day and there will be many moments ahead that will be awesome. I was right.

A family from town arrived at the chair about 1/2 hour after I had been waiting. We had a great run. Then Chris Fry, Gord's best buddy from high school appeared. We did a few runs and had lunch together. It was amazing for me to connect and bond with him. I also loved having the male perspective. I miss that so much. I'm really coming to appreciate how men really balance woman, vice versa. Chris had such a rational, objective perspective. It brought me new peace, new understanding.

In the end, when I found my friend, it turned out she tried sending me texts and when I didn't respond she assumed I was still sleeping or was busy with people. I didn't let that bump ruin my day. I'm learning how to roll with it. I'm starting to trust in the big picture.

He said something else...after my ball session at church he had one more thing to say....

" I want you to be free"

I felt so confused. I'm still grappling with it.

A couple of weeks ago I really started to feel strong...stable. I started really living again...taking risks. Last week I fell. The grief experience has changed. I'm starting to live...and being hit with sneaker waves. The grief hits me so hard out of nowhere. I fall so hard. It was happening everyday and it was discouraging.

I came to understand that this pain is forever. I have a chronic condition and there will always be a part of my heart that will be sad...that misses Gord. I was resigning myself to this reality. And now Gord tells me to be free....

 I won't ever be free from missing Gord, nor do I want to be from remembering him. But I can be free from feeling discouraged and disappointed about the pain. It is a part of the process. The intensity and frequency of the pain will diminish over time. I  choose to accept the pain, I accept the process. The pain is also where I find healing. But this weekend I learned that I don't only find lessons in tears of grief I also find lessons in the laughter.

This weekend I learned that I can laugh and miss Gord at the same time. I think Gord really wants to see me live, see me happy. I think I need to just cry when I need to and laugh when it's time to laugh. It's time to live. Life is going to continue to have it's bumps and I will continue to see them as opportunities and try to keep in mind the big picture, the whole journey.

I felt so overwhelmed by the turn out. It was simply brilliant to see how many loved Gord! He was so special and it was awesome to see everyone felt the same way I did. It was inspiring to see that Gord was so well loved!

Thought and prayers. I know there were so many positive thoughts and prayers sent our way. It fills me to know that everyone is rooting for us...everyone wants to see us happy. So thank you, thank you to everyone who was able to attend and participate, thank you for prayers and happy thoughts. It all blesses me..fills me! I feel like a brand new person. A door has opened, a new chapter is starting. I have a feeling that many experienced some of the same healing as I did. Perhaps a new chapter is opening for many. Predictably I would crash after such an intense weekend, but I haven't, I won't. I feel renewed and I plan to continue living life to the fullest. Ok, at a reasonable pace! It's my birthday this week, I plan to be sad because Gord isn't here to celebrate, but I also plan to be happy because I'm still alive and I have an amazing life to celebrate!

Keep Living, Be healthy, Be Grateful!

I have had to battle depression before and I have been successful. Feelings of sadness, disappointment and discouragement are normal and it's healthy to acknowledge them. Yesterday I shared I have been coping with a low mood for a week or so. The important thing for me to do now to get out of my rut, to dig myself out this hole and find the sunlight. I don't want to get stuck.

I know a few practical strategies to battle depression. First of all accept it's a battle. I have to fight against all natural urges to hide, withdrawal, shut down. Next, keep living. When a person suffers from depression they can lose motivation and struggle to enjoy things they use to enjoy. I have to keep doing all the things that usually make me happy because it keeps my brain moving in that direction. Thirdly, I have to take care of my health because that will in turn keep up my mental health. When depression sets in the desire to eat, sleep, shower, socialize can quickly dissipate. But when these things go, the downward spiral can really take a tole. The body plays a huge role in our mood. Our mood is affected by sleep and hormonal balance. Balance is what brain chemistry is all about. I need to maintain balance.

Lastly, the hardest, most challenging strategy to apply when the world looks bleak; is to be grateful. I need to count my blessings. When people say it's all in the state of mind, it's because it is true. But you can't just will it, it's hard work.

So...let's do this.

The obvious...I have two wonderful children that are healthy, content and reflect their fathers looks, mannerisms and personality every day. I have a beautiful home that is so accommodating for my family I will never have to move if I don't want to. I live in a community that is close to one of the most beautiful places on earth. The Canadian rocky mountains is considered to be one of the most beautiful international destinations and I live 1/2 hour away. I live in one of the best countries in the world. I have a wonderful family that is capable of supporting me and loving me through this time. I have a family that has always valued togetherness. We aren't a perfect family, but we truly love each other and always keep trying to make our relationships work. We persevere because we know family is one the most valuable things in life  a person can experience.

I have all my limbs, all my senses. I can read and write. I can analyze and evaluate. I can learn something new. I can play guitar and piano...I can sing. I can run, do taekwondo, snowboard and ski. I can drive. I can afford a holiday. I can afford nice clothing. I can afford to take care of my children and myself.

Wow, I have so much to be grateful for and I just got started.

I am smiling. I feel joy.

I will probably have to read this a few more times over the next weeks and months as I battle ongoing heavy intense emotions.

I just have to remember 3 things

Keep living
Be healthy
Be grateful

I can't wait to see all my friends and family this weekend. What an opportunity. I am so grateful to have so many people who are able to share and celebrate in Gord's life. He really was a gift to all of us. I can' t wait to snowboard in powder and remember Gord's joy, Gord's passion.

Crying is the most important expression to heal

I was just rereading my previous blogs. Usually, I experience my own writing differently every time I read it. It provokes new feelings, new thoughts.... it somehow councils me. Also I'm often comforted by the obvious changes, growth and healing that I experienced through out this journey.

Tonight is different...I've been feeling low this week. It's disappointing. Plenty of tears , plenty of naps. Brings back memories of a time I'd rather not revisit. I want to change my mood...but I don't have the energy. It's a downward spiral and I know that. I know that I have to be counter intuitive. I have to get out of bed, get out of the house. I have to eat...I have to reach out. I went to Taekwondo tonight...it always lifts me...balances me...but for some reason tonight I'm still low.

I almost feel ashamed, I want to hide. I don't want people to witness this side of me. I have a hard time holding a conversation right now, I have a hard time smiling...laughing. I want to be that inspiring writer, that happy person that seems to find a way to live in the face of adversity.

But right now I am not those things. I have a hard time finding the sunshine. There still are moments of joy... but they don't last.

I'm discouraged. I can remember in the beginning my Councillor suggesting that is always OK to be sad but to avoid feelings of disappointment and discouragement. I still haven't figured out how to avoid these feelings. When I read my previous blogs I realized in the past 6 months I have seen many improvements in my life, and I have found clarity, understanding. I am learning how to experience peace daily. I'm starting to live again, work again and socialize. But what hasn't changed is the pain.

Danny started crying this week. He cries sometimes 3 times a day. He will start whaling as if he is injured. He will call for me. I will run to him and he will start saying, " I miss dad so much, I can't stop crying, I want to stop crying, my heart hurts so much."

I try to talk to him, console him, hold him but he can't seem to express himself. I want to help him.

I started reading my book on helping children grieve. As helpful and insightful these books are they often smack me across the head with some truth I'm not ready for.

- Grief is the most painful emotional experience humans experience. It is a chronic condition!

I ache...my whole body aches about 3 days a week. My body physically suffers. I've never felt this before. It kind of feels like the aches when you have the flu, but it's in every once of my body. Then there are days I feel totally normal. But these days that I ache...it's really hard. I'm not sure what the explanation is but this week it has been every day. And I'm starting to feel discouraged.

The book also talked about how the boys and I have to learn how to integrate this chronic condition into our daily life. We have to learn how to live with this pain forever. This is a huge reality for me to accept. It's hard to not feel discouraged.

It confuses me...because I thought I would heal.

I know that I will heal...I will eventually learn how to live with the pain and I will be healed by the fact that I will have accepted what has happened, made peace with it and also will need to accept that I will forever have feelings of grief. I will be healed when I can live life to the fullest despite the grief, despite the pain. When the grief can become part of my life, and I learn how to manage it, respect it, and maybe even love it, maybe then I will be healed. For grief is the merely the expression of emotion when you love someone you have lost. And although it does hurt, it doesn't kill you and the release always brings more healing, more understanding, more peace.

The most important knowledge I received from reading that book yesterday was to tell my child to cry. Crying is the best thing anyone can ever do when they grieve, it is the best way to feel better. I've cried so  many tears this week I think I might be dehydrated......I guess I can count on feeling better soon.

I've planned a ski day this weekend in honor of Gord. I'm hoping and praying I find my joyful spirit. With any luck writing this blog will help me to find the understanding and peace I'm looking for.

I am reluctant to post this. It's very revealing of how painful grief can be. My hope is to bring awareness and understanding. As awful as the experience can be at times, it can also be amazing to experience clarity and overwhelming gratefulness. And although I know I will have a lifetime of missing Gord, there is also a part of me that believes I can still live a very full, whole life. I know that many are terrified of ever having to travel the road I've had to take but take comfort in knowing if ever do you will survive it, and it will transform you in ways that are not possible otherwise.

I have to have this attitude. I have tried to make deals with God. I told him...do not take my children from me, or me from my children. I feel like we have bared enough. But unfortunately I don't have that kind of power. So now I trust that we can bare what we are given...because if I don't believe this I will live in paralyzing fear....and that is not an option. I need to live, I need to trust. I hope you can too.

Our greatest challenges lead to the greatest rewards.

I posted this on Facebook today. Then I deleted it. I thought, how could I post this. It felt so wrong, almost like a betrayal to be believe that Gord dying could lead me to something beautiful. But a part of me does believe this. A part of me needs to have this hope. Without this hope...it would mean that my life would never be full again, whole again and if that is the truth...I will have many many days in despair.

I do try to find the beauty in everyday right now, but the road is hard and my head if often down. I'm so tired these days. I'm sleeping well, eating well, resting well. I have maintained my exercise and I've been maintaining most of my expectations for myself as a mom.I'm doing everything I can possibly imagine to be well and I still feel exhausted. I struggle with feeling motivated. But I have climbed enough mountains in my life that I know sometimes you have to push through even when you don't feel motivated. You have to persevere, because giving up...shutting down definitely won't lead to my destination. If I lie down in the middle of the storm, the storm still continues but if I keep moving, I have a better chance of being resilient and finding a place of refuge.

From my personal experience...the greatest challenges have lead to the greatest rewards. It is only when I have conquered my greatest mountains that I realized what I was capable of. I would look back and although it was painful, and hard...I would do it again because it has formed who I am today. It has made me strong, it has given me wisdom.  And who I am is beautiful.

This journey is a life long mystery that forever is unfolding in front of me. I am going to persevere because I know there will be peaks....it will be worth the climb, worth the view!

Gord would want me to have this hope! It is not a betrayal, it is honoring the happiness he always wanted me to experience.

This reality in fact...is very sad.

I've been facing reality for a while now. I've been living with the pain....and now I'm starting to live with the reality. I starting to live a life again, but this story, this experience; will always be a part of my reality.  I'm starting to see my reality through the eyes of others and what I'm finding out is there is a hard truth to accept. What has happened is in fact very,very sad.

I have forever lost my best friend, my lover. My kids no longer have a father. We are injured, wounded..damaged. And this truth is very sad.

I've lost my husband about 40 years sooner than I had anticipated. Before I even had the privilege of entering the dating world with Gord I knew I wanted to marry him. We were friends first..for months. I knew because I had enough experience to know what I wanted. And I knew he was good. I knew he was kind, loyal, caring, hard working, family orientated. I knew he wanted to be a father some day. I loved his mind, his nature. I loved that he was open minded, that he was simply open...After six months of dating I could barely wait to get engaged, because now I really knew how awesome he was. I knew that we would always be close, be friends, be lovers. I could imagine him being the same rock in my life at 27 at 87. He was so true blue. What was the most amazing part of marrying Gord, was although there was in fact many trying times he just got better with time. As time continued, he became better and better at balancing work and family. He became more comfortable as a dad, continued to become better at understanding me, loving me.

So this is my lot, my truth, my reality and it is in fact very sad to suffer such a loss.

I have a rocky past. It was not all rainbows and butterflies growing up.My child hood was tough; I didn't fit in, I had learning disabilities. My teen years I rebelled and in my 20's I struggled with mental illness. My whole life had been a roller coaster and lacked grounding, I lacked confidence.

Then I met the most wonderful person...

He instantly without even trying, just by his nature alone became my rock. And the best part for me was that he thought I was amazing. He loved my story. He thought I was a hero for conquering all my odds and becoming a successful, happy adult. He believed in me. He loved me.

In the first weeks after Gord died I often felt like I had a connection with Gord. So many times...I thought I felt his presence, I thought I could hear him( in my mind) I still don't know for sure if it was him or just my mind but it often brought me comfort.

One Sunday morning about 3 weeks after Gord passed I was in the process of getting ready for church. Getting ready is so weird for me now, because I did it for him. Anyways, I can remember experiencing a mix of emotions. Conflicted feelings. Without having the actual affirmations from him I started to believe he no longer loved me. I felt like I was no longer loved. I felt abandoned.

I swear, I felt like I actually heard him, his real voice. It was so real. He said, " Jen, I wrote you letters."

Letters????!!! There is letters. My mind tried to remember, tried to recall.....what letters?!

I heard him.." In your Bible.!"

I ran to my bible. There they were, 5 letters written from Gord.

When I was pregnant with Danny I went to a retreat. Part of the surprise for me, was Gord had been contacted and asked to write me a letter for everyday of the retreat. Every night at the retreat I received a love letter from Gord. I can remember reading them to my sister and her sister in laws. We were all crying. They were such beautiful letters. That is correct I have 5 beautiful love letters from my husband. This is amazing. Gord was not a love letter type of guy. He was never the words of affection type of guy. But these letters fill my soul when ever I read them. And they remind me how much Gord loved me.

Gord was my rock, he was so constant and steady. He brought a certain grounding to my life that still runs so deep in me now. he taught me how to live by my mind and my spirit.

There is song that just seems to play so often on the radio.

Every time I hear it, I cry, I sob. I feel like Gord could be singing it to me and sometimes I feel like I could be singing it to him. But it doesn't really work because now he is gone, gone, gone.

I'm overwhelmed with memories these days. It makes me miss him so much. It really hurts. But I wouldn't trade these memories for anything because they are always with me and for that reason I will never sleep alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oozQ4yV__Vw

I will love you long after you are gone, gone, gone

Let it be

Holding on, letting go. Wanting to have control, wanting to have a say. I feel like I deserve the right to be able to have a say. I wish I could know my future. I wish I could make steps in life and have things fall into the way I want it to.....

Everything feels like a big experiment right now. There are so many firsts. Reminds me of raising a baby. There are so many firsts in the first year. I'm a risk taker and discovering my old adventurous self. When Gord was alive I can remember craving adventure. I can remember fantasizing about when the kids would be old enough to go to Disney land, or go on mountain bike trips or perhaps even travel. But with little ones risks and adventure goes on the back burner.

So now I'm on a path that has potential for daily adventure... with my spirit, with my life. I'm always testing myself. This morning I remembered a quote my brothers have always said about snowboarding.

" If you don't fall once in a while, if you never get hurt....then you are doing it wrong!"

Words of wisdom...I think so! For me, feeling hurt, getting hurt. It's a part of my everyday now. Why not test, experiment, explore and discover? I've already survived the worst.

Now to let go. Let it be!

I analyze everything! Everything! I want to understand everything, I want to figure out everything and solve every problem. This was also something Gord taught me, How to analyze, how to problem solve. But somehow I think Gord was better at judging problems as to whether they could be solved, whether they needed to be solved. I think he was better at letting go, being objective! Some problems have no solution!Some obstacles can not be moved.

" God grant me the serenity to to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

I'm goal orientated. I just want to know what the end looks like. What does it look like when I'm healed. What am I striving for. Where will I be? I want to know...will I move? Will I meet someone? Are my kids going to have issues? Am I going to have issues? Will I make a career change?

I need to let go.

I need to get off this wheel, trust myself and let life unfold. It will!

I need to accept that life has struggle. There are going to always be obstacles, there is also always going to be accomplishments, moments of joy, moments of celebration. This is true for everyone, no matter what the story.

A part of me wishes that life could just remove obstacles for a year or so. I think coping with adjusting to change, mourning a huge loss and recovering from an emotional trauma could be enough for one year. But life still has to happen, especially if I'm getting out and living it. I've been told that most people under my circumstances find a way to shut down, cocoon....

I can't do that. My spirit just wants to live. But it is still a choice to get out and live. So I need to accept that if I take more risks, there will be a higher likely hood of challenges. So far, I'd say living has brought me further faster. I think I'm healing quickly, but I'm probably going to get hurt more often. Good thing I'm strong and can get back up. So...I guess I'm probably not changing any time soon. I think I'm going to stick with the program. For now I think I need to let go of knowing why everything happens, let go of knowing what the future holds and let go of any notion that life will ever be easy. It's a challenge.

Meanwhile, I'm also in the process of letting go of Gord. I'm slowing accepting he is not here, I'm gradually coming to understand I will be ok if he is not here. I'm coming to accept that this experience was life altering in some very painful ways and in some wonderful ways. I'm learning how to say.... let it be.

I can spend the rest of life wishing this wasn't true, always wanting it back,  denying this reality or I can accept it. I can let it just be....

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/videos/flashback-paul-mccartney-bono-bruce-springsteen-play-let-it-be-20131024

Just my Luck!

It's a new season. I've heard every change in season is hard.

 I was feeling burnt out today. It was so predictable. I knew I was pushing my limits this week. I was impressed at how well the week went but last night I crashed and felt no better this morning.  But I'm learning to push through. I know I will recover.

Church was tough again. Noah is like a wild puppy at church and I have no idea how to train him. I felt stressed. I practiced deep breathing techniques. It got me through the hour.

A crew of us met at McD's play place after. That felt like Sunday!

This afternoon I chilled. I wore comfy clothes and we settled in. The boys ran around and played super heros, followed by video games. The conversations these days are great. " Who is your favorite Star Wars character? Who is your favorite super hero?" I guess Spider Man is the coolest right now. He scales buildings, jumps buildings, gets to swing from a web and can stop bad guys no problem.

 They are so full of life. I can't believe Gord isn't here to see this. They are so much like him. They are all boy! He would be so proud. I want to share this with him. They are so bright, so creative. Danny always has the innovative ideas and Noah blows my mind everyday. I wish their dad could be here to compliment their naturally science and math minded natures.

After supper I decided it was time to head outside. The spring air felt great. Ahh, the first thaw! Such a welcome relief. The sidewalks were dry so we pulled out the bike and wagon and headed to the park. The boys were beyond ecstatic. This is another first!

Again it hits. Gord and I went to that park so often. I was flooded with memories. There is a picnic table, we would sit there and watch the boys. I can remember so many conversations, so many laughs. Chats about work, about big decisions...about dreams. And here I am alone, my boys are growing up so fast, growing up so well. I want someone to talk to, to share this life with. This is so hard.

Sometimes I wonder if  I over idealize Gord..... Today I went to the young widow site. This young widow posted how she was coming to realize that her marriage hadn't been perfect and now that she dating she is realizing that her husband wasn't the most affectionate and that she was really appreciating receiving more affection in her new relationship. She still thought her previous husband was amazing but it was weird for her to realize he wasn't perfect. I thought...Gord wasn't the most affectionate either. Then I went on to read other posts. It was so sad. There was post after posts of widows confessing that their spouses were alcoholics, abusive, condescending, workaholics, there were many that has been cheated on, some found out after their spouse cheated on them. So many had regrets, unfinished business, restless, angry hearts. I can't imagine!

Wow, Gord really was wonderful. He was so emotionally healthy. He was secure. What a gift! I had a good man, a good marriage, a good life. He helped me to be a better person. I am still a better person. I can't believe we ended on such a high. I can't get over that I had no regrets. Why? Why did I have to lose something so rare, so amazing?

Today someone said to me I was fortunate to have been so loved unconditionally. I was lucky to have ever been loved unconditionally. She said some people never find that in a whole lifetime. I am fortunate for the experience but tonight I feel the huge loss.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. Makes me think about leprechauns, clovers, rainbows, treasure and beer.

Fortune, hope and treasure! I thought I had already had found my treasure. But based on my luck it looks like there is more to be found. I'm keeping my eyes open for rainbows. I think tomorrow I will make green cupcakes with my boys and finish the night off with a beer. Think green! Think life, think growth....think spring!

The truth about the human condition

Writing my last blog was challenging at times but the anticipation was worst than the reality. Having two boys to constantly distract me and force me to take breaks gave the natural breath I needed to get through the writing experience. I did feel a relief to write and a sense of accomplishment. But the transformation I received wasn't from the writing but rather the response.

It is a common understanding that in the face of tragedy and crisis true friends, true supports will become revealed. It is also known that it can be devastating and disappointing to discover your beliefs about how people operate and the human condition were mistaken.

This is normal. This is a predictable reality people who suffer tragedy have to face. But I've come to another realization, this is not the big picture, this is not fully true. The human condition is more complex.


When Gord first died I was overwhelmed by the love and response from the community and friends and family.  The out pouring of support was uplifting and carried me through those first most unusual days. I can remember thinking....I don't know if I can survive this event but maybe with the support of hundreds of people it will be possible to climb this mountain.

I believed I needed support from around two hundred people to survive!!!

People would say, " If you need anything...anything...please let me know, I want to be there for you."

I believed them.

I believed that everyone around me would be become empowered to give me the help and support I needed. I knew that people had busy lives so that is why the quantity of people was so important.

As the weeks went by the support and availability dwindled and dwindled.

Before my parents left I started putting it out in the community that evenings and weekends would be my most challenging times. Gord was home every night, 5 ish. We hung out. We chatted, sipped on wine, went for walks, played with the kids, watched tv. This was my routine for the past 9 years or so. I've always struggled with being alone. I was afraid to be alone.

The week after my parents left was probably to hardest, darkest most challenging week in my entire life. The phone was silent...night after night. I felt like I was dying. Day 4 a friend called and asked if she could come one evening and bring ice cream and watch a movie with me. We were in the early stages of building a friendship, now she is one of my most closest, most reliable friends. She confessed to me weeks later that she was terrified to take that step. But she did anyways.

The next night a close friend called and we chatted for about an hour. It was the first night I slept in weeks. That brought me to the realization that I have to reach out, I have to find more supports that are willing. A friend sent me a text to make a phone date. Brilliant I thought. It was so hard to reach out during these days. I sent out 20 texts to close friends and family and asked to make phone dates. Some responded.

I remember sharing my dismay with a councilor. She challenged me to see it from their perspective.She explained to me that people don`t know what to say. They are scared. At the time I didn`t have the ability to understand

As time has gone on, I've come to understand that most 30 year olds have no idea, experience or confidence in knowing how to support someone who has suffered a tragic, traumatic loss. It is terrifying. It is hard to face. It is hard to be vulnerable.

Everybody experiences grief differently. Everybody copes with stress differently. Under extreme stress and emotional pain many relationships collapse, many fail. When there is a tragedy people feel helpless, powerless. It is the worst feeling ever!

Everybody has limitations, their own fears, their own story. Everybody has a different capacity for love. It`s human nature to avoid feelings of rejection, failure, isolation and abandonment. Everybody has a certain level of fear of intimacy. That is the truth about humanity. This is why it was hard for people to support me,not because they didn`t care but because they didn`t know how to.

However, now I am beginning to see the most amazing, magical, wonderful  and healing side of humanity. Human compassion.

Last weekend I ventured out of my comfort zone and went to a lounge as a single woman for the first time in 10 years. It wasn`t necessarily my intention to go for the purpose to meet men, I`m however starting to feel curious about this world. That night I learned many things about myself  and I began to rediscover who I am.

I had a memorable encounter. It was a friend of a friends birthday party. I really enjoyed the woman I met. It was carefree..fun! There were a couple of men with the party. I played pool with one guy, he was friendly, approachable and  at the same time reserved. It was a good game.

Later in the evening our group decided to move location to a bar with a dance floor. At one point I found myself sitting next to this man. Conversation happened naturally. He talked about his kids. I could tell they were his world. He worked at Teck. Somehow we ended up on the topic of our relationship status. I asked him if he knew Gordon Mark. He did. I told him that Gord was my husband. His whole demeanor, disposition changed on a dime. He softened. The way he looked at me reminded of the fashion my brothers look at me. He looked like he wanted to give me the biggest bear hug. He looked like he wanted to help me, protect me.

He responded by saying he could never imagine what it must be like to lose a spouse. He showed compassion. After knowing him for 5 minutes he showed me compassion like a brother would. It touched me.

He found himself opening up to me. He shared a highly similar traumatic loss he witnessed with own fathers death. He was still grieving, He had children, a full time job. Time was not a luxury for him. I felt compassion for him.

Just as he finished his story another girl flew into conversation and my girl friend pulled me to the dance floor. It was odd to not continue after such a sharing experience, but the encounter has left me feeling encouraged.

A couple of weeks ago I received a message. It was from an acquaintance in town. We had been in choir together in years passed. She confessed she had been wanting to stop in for months but somehow didn`t make it. She wanted me know that since Gord died she started every morning with a prayer for me and the boys.

Everyday! I realized that people pray for my boys and I everyday. People ask me how I remain strong. I am strong because my family has been showered with prayer everyday for 6 months. That is  a lot of grace. I realized that people care, they have so much compassion.

At the ski hill on Saturday I ran into a good friend;  I hadn`t seen him in months. We hadn`t seen each other since before Gord died. He gave me the best hug, He didn`t let go, I found myself  welling up with emotion. He apologized and confessed he didn`t attend the funeral. He said he wanted to, but for many reasons he couldn`t. He admitted for his own personal reasons, he didn`t attend. He was so honest. He had so much compassion.He also told me that him and his wife make more effort to have quality time since Gord died. They now see the value more than they had before.

I retold my traumatic story in my last blog entry. I thought it would be healing to face it. I thought maybe I can be an instrument for healing for others as well. I did not expected that the healing would come from the response.

I`ve made assumptions why people would be interested in reading my blog.  My experience is rare, therefore naturally interesting to people, I also knew some wanted to know where I was at, and I hoped that some were looking for inspiration.

I received so much response from my last blog and I found out why people read my blog. They read it because they care, because they want to understand, they want to know how to be there for me. People read my blog because they have compassion. I can barely type right now because I feel so overwhelmed with the love I am receiving. I am loved. I feel so amazed by the human spirit. I have had to endure a heart breaking loss but the gift I`ve been given is the opportunity to see humanity at it`s best. For the past 6 months people have followed me on Facebook, sent me texts and messages I have received phone calls from friends I haven`t talked to in 20 years. People email me songs, send me books. Some people give me really good hugs. Some people have made themselves available to me the same time every week to help me build new routines. There are so many people that encourage me, affirm me and pray for me and check in with me. Friends plan girls nights and invite me to functions. They include me. I am so blessed! There were 134 page views of my last blog. I guess I`ve maintained a huge quantity of support.

So now I know, We are limited in what we can give but we are compassionate. Compassion is the greatest healer! This is the truth about the human condition.

Thank you for all the compassionate ways you have supported me. Just knowing you think about me makes me feel loved. Feeling loved is what is healing my soul.

This is my true, traumatic, disturbing, unbelievable, heart wrenching .... and transforming story.

Deep breath. God be with me! I'm going to look at it. I'm going to face the trauma. I feel like I'm taking the double black run in grieving. I'm going to face the traumatic grief. I've come to realize that sharing my grief is like a therapeutic massage. It really hurts but somehow feels good at the same time. In the end..there is change, there is relief, there is healing.

I've noticed a pattern in my blogging. What I notice is that it begins with my head spinning with thoughts, tangled in emotions. My mind attempts mental gymnastics to bring understanding to the mental storm, Writing helps. It organizes my thoughts...it brings my emotions full circle. I can start a blog in sobbing tears and end with a smile on my face and new hope. I receive two rewards when I blog. First of all, I feel a release, I often find meaning that brings me to acceptance and then somehow I feel like I can put that file behind me and move on to the next. Secondly, I hope and know that I somehow affect others world view and through my experience bring understanding to their lives.

I feel like I'm at the top of a double black run. My heart is beating....but I want to do it. I know I can use this anxiety to make mind sharper, more reactive, I can use it to make my body respond faster. I know that if  I can use it, then the anxiety can transform into exhilaration. So I'm going to do this.

At the funeral I used this principle of using anxiety to make you better. I remember thinking....I can't feel my legs, my heart was beating so fast....I remember thinking....there is so many people here. People who love Gord. I thought...I want to do this for Gord, I want to do this for every person who loves Gord. I want to be a light in the darkness. I thought this isn't about me. It's about Gord, everyone who knew Gord. I have experience with performing and public speaking. I do get nervous...but I have learned how to feed off the adrenaline. This was intense though. It was an unusual experience. After the first sentence I knew I could do it. I don't ever remember feeling that strong before. I could take my time, I could make it real. I could be real.

I'm going to use this principle now and I'm inviting God to embark with me as I write what I witnessed the night Gord died.

Yesterday Danny had a field trip to the Fire station, unexpectedly the first 1/2 hour was a focus on emergency vehicles . I felt an immediate change in my body. I knew why. I wanted to deny it. I looked at Danny, I could tell by his calm, content nature he was not having the same response. I put my energies into Noah. I felt off the rest of the day.

I had already imagined this could happen. But this was not how I imagined it. Gord use to come home late sometimes. It was hard on me. I know most moms will relate. We look so forward to that change in our day. Also I would worry. I finally requested that Gord keep me posted when we was going to be late because my mind would go to that place,..where your imagination can see and  visualize the worst. I had already had the thought, " I don't know how I would ever live with out my husband."

Gord had been struggling with his health for about 6 months. He  was falling asleep everywhere. He became very interested in sleep and got something to help with snoring. He tried to research sleepiness. We thought maybe it was stress. He applied for a different job. He went to the doctor. He ran tests. The doctor suggested weight loss and exercise.

On October 2nd Gord was beginning Cross fit. He had expressed to me the day prior he was feeling nervous about the workout because he heard many people got sick their first workout. Our hair dresser said she vomited after many workouts. But it wasn't like Gord to be deterred. He liked intense. He loved fast results. We had previously done P90, and he was pumped once he decided to make the commitment. But that day we was nervous.

His final day was a good day for him. I remember chatting with him in the afternoon while he was at work. We were always brainstorming ways to increase his happiness in his outside life because for some reason work just wasn't doing it for him.I think now, a large part of the problem was he wasn't feeling well. Anyways I had come up with a few ideas he seemed excited about...Also possibilities were unfolding, he was excited.

That night at supper nothing seemed unusual to me. Gord took interest in the kids and my day. I had made chicken pot pie from scratch. A rare thing for me. Gord really enjoyed it. The kids barely touched it. After supper Gord got prepped for his work out, he was off.

I went to clean the kitchen and what struck me was how many pieces were still there. Gord had only had one piece. Unheard of. But I thought.... maybe he wanted to have a light supper before his workout and eat more after.

Everything in town is just minutes away, He should have been home shortly after 7:00 pm. I knew he had some friends there so I anticipated he would be a bit longer...but by 7:20 I started to wonder. He finally came through the door. I can picture him, He used both arms on the railing to carry him up the stairs. He said, " I have never felt so bad in my entire life."

He sat on the couch.I asked if he was ok, he said he felt so weak. I offered to get him some water. Out of character he snapped at me and replied. " I've been drinking water and resting for the past 1/2 hour, nothing is working."

I got him water anyways. Noah was playing at the coffee table, He came and swiped Gord's water. Typical toddler! Gord told me, " Jen, I didn't even do anything..all I did was a squat."

I felt confused....

I remember there was something about his eyes...he looked like could start balling or like he was scared to death.

I went to the kitchen to get him another water. I remember thinking...he probably needs electrolytes. I was trying to remember where the P90 electrolyte drinks were. I was pouring water.

I heard this boom, boom, boom...it sounded like quick heavy stomping. I thought he is running to bathroom to vomit. Then I heard loud, intense heaving. Before I had any other thought I was dialing 911. The dispatcher asked me for my information. I was screaming. She asked me to give it to her again. I said it slower and screamed louder. She asked me to say it again. I became angry. I wanted to be with Gord. She should have gotten the info the first time.

Meanwhile Gord had gone from his entire body heaving and convulsing to collapsing into a snore then back to a heave...a break..fell to a snore...to quiet...to a heave..a snore...quiet......

The dispatcher asked me to turn him onto his back. His eyes were half open..not moving...one was bulging out. He had a large bump and bruise on his head. I knew...

I sent a text to my mom, " Pray, Gord has had a heart attack."

I fell to my knees and prayed

Time moved so slowly

The paramedics finally arrived. I looked out the window. They were slowly getting out. I ran out screaming. He has stopped breathing. Hurry, hurry... They acted like they couldn't hear me. I yelled louder.

Meanwhile, two neighbors were visiting next door at the end of their driveway. They told me days after that when the paramedics pulled up the paramedics were moving so slowly that my neighbors assumed nothing serious had happened, until of course I came out screaming.

He was covered in machines. They were using a defibrillator. A lady I didn't recognize pulled me out of the living room and suggested I pray in the kitchen. She was so calm.

Danny came up the stairs. I went from hysterical wife to mom. I remembered...I have children.

I picked up Danny and Noah and rushed them down the stairs. Then I remembered they can walk. I told Danny to put on his boots. It was raining....

Danny said, "Is dad dead?"

I said, " Oh Danny", as if he had just said something silly.

My neighbor came to me, she grabbed the boys and told me she had them, to not worry about them but to be with Gord. I went and grabbed their stuffed animals and told her their bed time.

I went back inside. They were starting to get him ready for the hospital. The lady inside suggested we go wait outside. She offered to bring me to the hospital.

In the car she told me, " You don't have to say anything...If you want to talk, I want to listen...but no matter what I am not leaving you." She was my angel in my darkest hour.

When I arrived I thought I should tell people. I couldn't remember how to use my phone. I just stared. The lady helped me to use it. I sent texts to some friends and family. The phone began to ring.

My mom began by reminding me my grandpa had had 4 heart attacks and was still alive and turning 90.

My father in law reminded me he had a heart attack 2 years prior and survived.

My brother who is a fire fighter said I had done everything right. The paramedics were there within minutes, he was at the hospital in 20 minutes, he is only 36....he is going to be ok.

But I knew....

My brother who had spent years in the seminary offered to pray with me. As I closed my eyes I saw a vision of Gord in a bed and it was rising. My entire being said no.... Then Chris began to pray...it grounded me. Then again I saw the same vision...I thought no and I heard...let go. I began to cry.

My mother in law called...she is a nurse. She told me I just need to find out what is happening. No one was at the desk. I remember thinking....I've been here for a while. Maybe 1/2 hour, I remember thinking maybe he is alive. I don't think they would work on him that long if he was dead.

My doctor appeared out of a surgery room, he was Gord's doctor, he was our age, he had three little kids too. He was married. His eyes were red, he put his arm around me and softly said," I'm sorry Jen, Gord died."

Immediately my feet fell out from under me. I collapsed to the floor. I have never felt like this before. Everything stopped. I thought nothing and felt like I was warping to another world. My whole body felt like a balloon. I felt like I wasn't there. I was processing nothing. After what felt like minutes I came to and saw my doctor, my neighbor, nurses crying...some sobbing.

They finally brought me to one of the emergency rooms. I contacted a few friends. They were there in seconds. My doctor strongly encouraged me to go and physically say good bye to Gord.

Say good-bye! I remember thinking...I've never done this before. Say good bye minutes after he died.....

My friends, who I am so grateful to, accompanied me into the room where Gord was. My priest was also contacted and began with a prayer. That brought me so much comfort and grounded me.

He excused himself immediately following the prayer and gave his condolences.

I sat in a chair, directly across from his face. It was not scary, it was not weird.

I touched him, he was already cold.

And for the first time in my life I fully understood eternal life. I knew with my entire being that although his body was in fact completely dead.....I knew without any possible doubt he was forever alive. I felt him hold me. I felt him all around me. I've been told that in the first hours after someone passes they are often still very present. I felt his presence, I felt his life. Life continues....

I also remember thinking...I should say something...

Looking at him I knew I didn't have to. I knew he knew I loved him, I knew he loved me. We had nothing unresolved, no secrets. I felt peace! I hugged him, I kissed him I said good bye. I sat there for minutes after and just cherished his presence, his body...his life.

So why? Gord was only 36. I did everything I could. Nothing worked!

Days after Gord died I talked to one of Gord's best friends Phil. He has had his fair share of loss and he had words of wisdom.

My mind was spinning, what happened?, How could  it have been prevented? Why? Why Gord? Why me?

Phil simply said," Jen, it doesn't matter why, you don't need to know why, sometimes people die."

 I thought...this is something Gord would say.

The spinning stopped. 

I've come to grim realization that we have no power in how long we live. We can take good care of ourselves and we should be responsible...but sometimes it is unpreventable. Even if it is preventable sometimes life just happens. Not everybody lives to be 85.

Gord was designed to die at 36. Statistically it is rare to die from a heart attack at 36. But from being married to an engineer I've come to understand there is always that rare statistic. Gord died from a arthroscrolatic heart disease. Lay terms, he had a plaque build up in his arteries that did not show up in lab results. His lab results in fact showed he was perfectly healthy. This type of heart attack could of happened if he was 50 lbs lighter and an athlete. It was genetic. If he had been healthier he may of had a few more years. But his body was designed to die young.

Is this ok...can any good come from this..is there a greater purpose...a greater good???

Let's see.

I have talked to many, many people who shared that they appreciate their lives more, appreciate their loved ones more, appreciate their marriages more. I know many people who say they have changed their priorities. They have more quality time with their families. Couples are going on date nights, they are appreciating each other. Because of Gord's death people tell me they now embrace the moment. Some even pray more.

Gord's life...Gord's legacy has brought more goodness to this world, more life... more joy.

It's sad...we miss him.

This was traumatic...this has disrupted my being to the core. But I believe that the Lord was able to trust me with this experience, that I can cope with it, grow from it and learn how to thrive despite it. I hope to use this experience wisely so others may learn, grow an heal as well.

I pray others don't have to endure a tragedy like this. 

For myself, it has happened, I will accept it... and I will move forward with this experience and hopefully in the end, if I can have any say I will be a better, stronger person.