Awakened...again, again and again.

Yesterday was the wedding anniversary date for Gord and I. So often...I have a hard time thinking past the moment in real life. About a week ago, I looked at my calendar and found myself ...staring...waiting for it to fully register.

``Whoh! It's my anniversary next week.``

 I felt paralyzed. My mind drew a blank...I thought how am I going to get through this. How will I spend the day....

I shared my lack of confidence with a good friend. She suggested a letter. Of course...a letter! Immediately, every time I thought of the day, my mind began to fill with ideas. So many...that I had to start writing. The hard part about it...was I found myself...really going there...really remembering everything I have experienced from the moment the event transpired; to the intense acute emotional roller coaster following for weeks...to rebuilding...to falling...to growing, changing and healing.

I really began to remember in depth all that I missed, all that I still want. I really began to realize that it really is all gone. Gord is really gone, I'm really a single parent, I've really had to bare all of this. I was diving into the grief and I felt like I was drowning....However...I wasn't drowning.

By the time I showed up to the dreaded day....I had confronted so much emotion and I had something to offer...something to give...a gift. I felt peace...contentment. A huge cloud lifted. I enjoyed my day. A friend came over with her kids, we did yoga, she offered to watch my boys so I could get groceries. We had lunch and enjoyed the kids in the sunshine in the back yard.

In the quiet afternoon I rested, chatted with family and friends...shared memories..read letters from Gord. I did cry but I was not overwhelmed with the sadness I had anticipated.  I felt so supported and loved.

I pulled myself together and dried my tears. I was ready to celebrate. Celebrate the fact that I have made it this far, I have conquered so much and I am healing. I am moving forward...everyday. Everyday that I keep getting out of bed and living life.... I'm moving forward. I celebrated that I was well loved by a special man. I celebrated that there are people that care about me...so many...all over. People are reading my blog...all over the world now. Incredible! I have so much family and friends from my past and present that have joined me on my journey that are still walking with me. Amazing! I celebrated all that I have still have. I have lost something amazing but the world is still full of so many more amazing things to enjoy, explore and discover.

I went to bed last night a content woman. I had such a rich time sharing with friends. Great conversations...intellectual, funny and sometimes... just real. I enjoyed  live musicians and original music. I am not missing out!

This morning I felt a heaviness, a tiredness. I had a good sleep but I felt like I hadn`t slept at all. It`s another crash. It`s become so predictable. There was so much emotional build up to my anniversary. On top of the day...reality has really started to set in. I`m no longer living in a surreal world. The shock has worn off and I`m facing real life...huge realities....huge emotions. I`m often still walking alone. I have so much support but at the same time I often just  have to depend on myself. No one is here to get me out of bed, to get me out of the house, to pull me out of deep overwhelming emotions. It is consuming...it drains so much energy to process all this...to feel all of this.

The danger with crash days is that it can pull me....into negativity. I`m too tired...to weak to see past it. However...I know to push through...I know to hold on.

This morning I found myself being drawn into negativity again, about what I was missing out on with my past and worrying about missing out on a good future.  I was in the middle; feeling like I have nothing...like I am missing out. Then it hit me....

If I sit here all day and mope about it. fret about it...falling into self pity...helplessness....then I will be missing out. Missing out on today, missing out on the adventures and gifts that today will bring.

So often we fret about what we have lost and what we don`t have. We want to get back to special time or fast forward to a new future. The past had it`s gifts for that time...today is a gift and there is no magic wand for the future. It`s so obvious. Live in the present!

But it`s difficult...it takes practice. Any new habit takes practice. Even just remembering to drink 8 glasses of water a day can be challenging.

I need to practice living in the present...really enjoying the smiles of my boys, a warm hot shower, the warmth of the sun....my breath....all that I can experience just in the moment....

....And in hard moments I just have to keep breathing...and remember that it`s in me to change. Just turning on music instantly changes your brain state. Stepping outside can lift and ground your mood at the same time. People can draw you out of a mood. Exercise increases the production neurotransmitters that bring good healthy feelings. There are ways...I`m not at the mercy of my mood.

The tricky part is motivation....I can lose all desire to change my mood...to care. However...my spirit always just seems to find a way. My spirit always desires to live!

You are worth every tear....

It’s been too long... since I’ve seen you, your smile, since I’ve heard your laugh or felt your embrace. I have often felt lost in this world without you. This journey, this road...these mountains...these waves of grief have been challenging, rewarding, horrible and enlightening. It is an adventure I that was beyond my comprehension. However, I’ve made it this far, I’m here writing you a letter on our anniversary...telling the story.

If you were here, the conversations we would’ve had about death, grief, and after life. I can only imagine how far you would have researched...how much you would teach me. But I have learned. I did research. I have talked to councillors and I have recorded many thoughts and emotions. Many answers are found in me...I found them in quiet moments, I found them in tears, and sometimes they have unleashed as a storm brewed in mind. I often wonder what you would think of my writing.

I have survived. Still till this day; each day I step, I can’t see in front of me. I still feel like I’m walking in the dark. But I’m learning how to live with new eyes. I’m learning how to live in the moment. Really embrace the now. The smallest things arouse my senses. Last week I enjoyed a raisin toast like I was experiencing something for the first time. I forgot how good it is. Some days I wake up and I am astonished that I’m still alive because the night before I wasn’t sure my spirit could survive the heart ache. Sometimes the pain is more about the transition than the grief. Creating a world without you is like trying to walk without legs. You were my better half. How do I live without you?

I conquered so many firsts. There have been so many first holidays and so many firsts as a traumatized grieving widow. I go out all the time now, with the kids and also I’ve had many nights of adult time. I have started back at work. I have been snowboarding many times and have gone back to taekwondo. Every step I take towards building a new life...builds my confidence.

I’m so grateful that you loved me. What a gift! I can’t get over how fortunate I was, to have had such a wonderful person compliment my life. We were such a natural fit...so comfortable. Our marriage really was quite extraordinary. We shared so many of the same interests, we were bonded, and we communicated regularly and shared so many of the same values. We found the marriage formula that worked for us. In so many ways are personalities were different...but we seemed to appreciate eachothers differences. It was like together we were given a fuller picture. You were so rational, objective and practical; I was intuitive and experienced the world emotionally. You saw things at face value and I read between the lines. Together we could cover all the angles. You grounded me in my stress; I was able to pull you out of your shell when you wanted to withdraw. We really worked! We both really wanted it to work.

I’m just so grateful. Thank you for teaching me how to problem solve, to be independent and use reason with my heart. Your influence hasn’t only made this trip bearable it has helped to me persevere and at times thrive. Many people experience guilt or shame when they start to enjoy life again. I have never had to cope with those feelings when I am happy. Every day all you ever wanted for your boys and I was to be happy. So thank you...by your nature you have given us all permission to put all our energies towards striving towards a good life.

I want to honor you Gord. Thankfully there is not too much pressure to please. You were very easy to please. You were one of the most low maintenance people I ever knew. It was a high compliment to me that you wanted to be with me...because you could be totally content all on your own...but you loved me, you wanted to be with me...

Honestly Gord, you made my world shine. I’m still looking for the light. I find it all the time. Often when I least expect it. I’m really learning I don’t have much power on this journey...but I’m finding out that I have enough strength to endure the storms. My world is dimmer without you. You were my sunshine, my stars...my light.

Slowly a new relationship with you is forming. In the beginning I use to search for you, wait for you. Sometimes...you would come. I have finally found you...I know where you live. You have made a home in my heart. Now I find you daily, you are deeply woven into my soul. You were so constant, so consistent...such a rock that now... I can quickly remember all that have you said, all that you have taught me, all the ways, that you have loved me. We had great communication and I’m never been left wondering what you would think. I’m beginning to remember that you affirmed me every day. Just by your good nature, I knew I was loved. I go to you; I remember you, and sometimes instead of experiencing feelings of grief...I often just feel close to you. I still feel so loved by you.

You have left me with so many positive messages in my mind. Daily you affirmed me as a person, as a parent, as a lover. You made me feel like I was an intelligent, kind and loving wife and mother.  You made me feel like I could take on challenges...like I was capable. You believed in me. You challenged me. I’m so grateful you pushed me to be independent.  You challenged me to be responsible for my own happiness...for my own feelings. You taught me to solve my own problems and create my own life. Sometimes I really think you knew...that you were leaving us early. It seems like you were trying to prepare me...to be on my own....I can hear you...everyday now, even when I fall, make mistakes...I know you...I know you would listen and encourage me and validate me. You always believed in the best of me. You always made me feel accepted and loved.

 People have challenged me that perhaps there were times I felt lonely in our marriage. I do remember when you had to work evenings and weekend’s years ago, it was harder on our relationship. However, the past few years you were home at 5 and weekends and the boys and I enjoyed every moment we could be with you. You really were my best friend...what an amazing 9 years to be able to have this every day. I’m so social, I really loved to have this available to me all the time. I was so spoiled!

You have left me with a very high opinion of marriage and a very high opinion of men. I look at the world around me, and although I know that my dreams can be shattered in a second...I still feel like the world is a good place and that I can still trust in life, in myself, in others. I can still dream. This is because of you, because you were so good to me. You made my world so good.

You weren’t only good to me. Everyone loved you Gord. I have a feeling you already know that. I loved your quiet confidence. I miss that so much, but I see it in your boys every day.  They are so much like you...and they are so good to me...the same way you treated me. They have your nature and disposition; they look like you and enjoy many of the same interests. They are so your boys and I get to enjoy your presence in them every day. You were one of the best dads I ever knew. I’m still so heartbroken for our boys. It is just such a great loss. You were self-sacrificing...you figured out that making your family happy was the key to your happiness. I am really learning that making others happy and giving to others really gives life value and purpose.

This experience has left many gifts along the way. I have had enlightenment, clarity and understanding.  I have new wisdom to live by; that I often live by....because my spirit knows it is true. I’ve have learned to embrace today...because the moment is our only guarantee. I appreciate the little things in the everyday and I don’t concern myself with the small things. I have discovered my true priorities. I have learned how to push through storms, smile in the darkness and dance in the rain.  I have learned to laugh it off, cry when I need to and sometimes scream into my pillow. I’ve learned to challenged myself to be grateful in all things...especially trials... they hold great gifts. I’ve learned the value of self-care...the value in caring and loving me...even if I feel like I’m less...my true dignity is never compromised. I’ve learned that less is sometimes better...keeping it simple... Sometimes, I’ve learned to appreciate the quiet, solitude! It’s new for me...but it is amazing. I’m like a totally new person!

Through this process I’ve really strived to be happy. I believed it is what is best for our family and I believe that is all you ever wanted. I was often able to achieve this. I now find contentment and satisfaction in life every day. I’ve learned how to make the best of this life. There are many times now I love my life again, love my world again...love myself again.

But lately, honestly... the process has changed. I’ve been fighting it...but the process is winning.  If anybody would appreciate process...it would be you. It’s a time of deep sadness.

I’ve been finding myself wallowing, crying out....desperately begging God to save me from my sorrow. The well has opened...and it just flows. I crave comfort, I beg for comfort.  I was striving for happiness...but now I am devastated. I cry out for you all the time now and I cry out for the loss of my good life and cry out because life today still has so many challenges...that are so hard to confront without you.

Losing you has been the saddest thing that has ever happened to me and I am devastated.  I’m sorry Gord, but losing you is simply the hardest loss I’ve had to endure. I will find happiness again; but for now I miss you. I miss the everyday drinking coffee, chats on the phone when you were at work, drinking wine while we watched the boys. I miss the fun, the skiing, bike rides, beaches and times at the cabin. I miss margaritas and inside jokes. I miss your song creations, your little dances...your love for music, knowledge and faith. I miss our nights... date nights, concerts and music festivals.  I miss you enthusiasm, your desire for fun. I miss deep, stimulating...always fascinating conversations. I miss being called Jenny bear. I miss your coy smile when I was upset...Now Noah does that...it works every time.

What I still miss the most, almost every single day is our evenings together when the boys are in bed. There is no activity that brings back that feeling of security and love I found with you.  I’m so sad to lose all this forever. I’m devastated that my boys have lost the best dad I ever knew and I’m heartbroken that I’ve lost the best love I ever knew.

I miss your calm nature. Your presence alone...so relaxed and laid back...brought my world so much grounding. You were so stable, so secure...so not phased by life. I loved your positive yet realistic attitude.  Your world view was refreshing. I loved how you could just discuss anything, from any angle. You were never afraid to look at both sides objectively.

I loved your passion. You had passion for your work, your family, your friends and your play. You lived life as if you knew wouldn’t last ....and now there are so many of us that try to remember how you lived your life...because we all know you had it figured out. You died a fulfilled, happy man. You were good, you were always striving for the best in your life. It has been such a privilege just to know you.

You were amazing parent. It’s challenging being a single parent, it is still rewarding...it definitely is lacking without you. It’s hard always just coming home the 3 of us. I really miss sharing this all with you.

You really did so much, supported us in so many ways. Every day I take on new challenges and discover there was so much you did I never took the time to notice. I just want to say I’ve noticed and thank you.

I am finding myself again and I’m content with who I have discovered. It helps me to be content remembering how much you loved me. My world still inspires me all the time...but for right now...I’m not satisfied without you. You are just too amazing to be happy right now. We were such a great match, such a great fit. We had a dream team marriage that was supposed to last much longer. I lost it all, I am full of sorrow and you are worth every tear.

I feel a real tension in my gut right now. In some ways I feel like I am holding on to you again...but I think  the tension....is knowing I still have to eventually let go. I need to in some ways let go...I need to still live in my world...and continue to build a new world. And only when I can let you live quietly in my soul and be the master of my own soul, lead my own way will I really be able to fully live. I’m not ready to be on own yet...so I’m holding on for now.

Months ago, as I confessed to my councilor my dismay about the grief experience, the disappointment of my Iife, the loss of my love... she challenged me.

“Someday you will look back on all of this and you will see it as being good!”

Really !!!???

There has been days where I have found clarity and could see goodness in this. I can’t see it right now...but I do believe in it. I believe in hope. I believe that there can always be a greater good.

I’m afraid this anniversary isn’t so happy this year. How can I spend it with you? How can I spend it without you on earth? In some ways for the first time it makes perfect sense to me why I am so upset. I will still find a way to smile today...but the truth is...you are much too wonderful, I love you much too deeply, our marriage was too special to really be happy today. Today I’m giving myself permission to experience sadness as deep as my soul wants to go....

But... I will still make room for joy! My humanness has to mourn you but my spirit knows that our love is for eternity...and that gives me great joy and reason to celebrate.

 It’s a great pleasure to remember you, to love you, to cherish you.

I love you

Sometimes we get stuck....staring at grey clouds.

Yesterday Danny expressed to me that a he thinks a friend from school doesn't like him. I could tell he was quite hurt by this idea. Generally speaking, Danny is quite content on his own and he has many friends that adore him. But somehow all he could see is this grey cloud.

I remembered when I was child...I was so naive. I was the oldest of 3 other siblings. My early years I was quite sheltered with many loving family members, extended family and immediate family...as well we were always surrounded by friends of the family that were more like relatives too. In my world I was loved by everyone. When I went to school, I was very confused by the lack of interest so many kids had in me. I was often left out, laughed at and teased. Why?

I tried harder, it got worse. I never really faced my reality until my 30's. I finally realized in my 30s that I don't need to be friends with everyone. I realized not everyone will like me nor will I like everyone. I realized that personality conflicts is a very real challenge. I realized that some peoples dislike for you is often more about themselves and their own struggles. I began to realize that it's more often.... not personal.

I have had to cope with so much rejection in my life.

In my teens, through years of therapy I discovered the best way to be resilient against rejection is to have a healthy self esteem and image. I learned that a healthy self esteem is realizing all your gifts, all your weaknesses and knowing that regardless of any ones opinion; who you are is always worthy...always adequate. Every one is imperfect....therefore there is no good reason why anyone should ever feel more or less than another.

Losing Gord, having to survive in this world without my second half...my better half has undermined my sense of security. For my life to abruptly change on a dime, without warning in a way I never really imagined possible... has challenged my ability to trust that life will be OK. I have to rebuild my confidence from the bottom. It shook my confidence to have to exist with intense emotions and a new reality that most don't understand. I lost of my self esteem.

True, quiet confidence...a healthy self image and self esteem is what makes us resilient in life. For me to know that I will continue to survive or perhaps thrive with all that has happened gives me the courage and confidence to continue to believe in all that I am capable of. It is not more important for me to know I have been successful in life. It is more important to remember all that I have overcome. It is more important to believe that I can cope with challenges then it is to avoid them.

I'm finding myself coping with huge anxiety again. I'm finding myself feeling insecure. I have often found myself staring at what is going wrong in my life instead of focusing on what is working.

If I choose to look at what is working...I can see that I have so much security. I have security in many healthy strong relationships. I have security in myself that I am intelligent, educated, strong and healthy. I have security in having enough to support my family and my life. I have the skills, abilities to support my family on my own. I have developed effective coping skills to face my life..to face the grief. I have taken on many firsts as a young widow. I have been rebuilding self esteem. I have been resilient. I am secure.

I told Danny to find the good. I shared my understanding of reality. I told him that there will be many people in his life that may not like him. I shared with him that many kids may not like him for strange reasons. I suggested some will be jealous, some may be threatened, some may find things about you confusing.

I also told him.... that I can not think of one possible good reason why anyone would not like him. I told Danny he is so likable, friendly and funny. I told him he is such a kind friend and any friend would be lucky to have him as a friend. I told Danny he can spend his life worrying about the people in his life that don't like him or he can put all his energies into the ones that do. Whether someone else likes you doesn't change who you really are. You don't have to let others opinions of you define you. Finding good friends is kind of like shopping for clothes...you have to find the right fit. Not everyone is the right fit.....and that is OK. It's not always personal....sometimes it's just life. We brainstormed all the friends that appreciate him and like him...The list was long.

This idea about fitting can be misleading...I've come to realize...you just have to figure out where you fit, because it won't be with everyone.

Now I just have to remember to take my own advice.


Another useful tidbit I remember my therapist sharing with me as a teen is that some of the two biggest fears we will ever face in life is the fear of rejection and the fear of failure. She told me that if I could overcome those two fears; I could become free to live a much happier life. Today I was reminded how to overcome fear of rejection. It's not an easy solution.

Although it lifted Danny to remember all the good in his life, I could tell Danny was a bit disappointed that I didn't have a better solution...that I didn't have a way to fix his problem. I can't change how this boy thinks or how he treats Danny...all I can do is hopefully teach Danny how to cope... how to respond...how to be resilient. Hopefully Danny can continue to focus on what works best for him...what fits the best for his life.

We all have the ability to create a world that works best for us. We have to remember the positive so we can continue to attain positive results.

There is no cure for this...but this can be endured!

I wanted to control the pain, I wanted to believe I could control this suffering. I wanted to believe I could get back what I lost in some way shape or form. It has often felt humiliating to be so at the mercy of my emotions, my mind. I was thinking about this last night wondering why I have to be OK with this. I realized that don't need to feel ashamed by my emotional or mental state, I need to be humble and accept that right now...it is just my reality. It is simply a reflection of how important Gord was in my life and how much I love him. I am doing the best I can to manage my emotional and mental world and that is all I can do. This suffering doesn't at all change my actual dignity. I have dignity just being alive, whether I am normal or not.

I was relying on a  hope that I could cure myself. It's seems so natural that I would want all this. However, it is all fruitless. I can't control the pain, I can manage it. I can never get back to the life I had being married to Gord. It will never be the same. It's not possible.

Last night I was reading posts on the young widows bulletin board site, a man who had lost his wife 18 months prior was just realizing in a new relationship; that it is going to be a very long journey to get back to a similar place in his new relationship compared to where he was at with his previous wife. It is so normal that we just want to believe that we can have something so wonderful back again. I'm facing this reality so much earlier...but it will serve me to have realistic expectations. I think it is more healthy for me to find real security in what is actually possible. I will more likely cope better with the realities of life if I am facing them. In fact...I will be armed  to be stronger to face new challenges if I'm willing to accept all that reality holds. Reality is unpredictable. This is not all bad...sometimes it means that unexpected good things happen too.

Gord died right in front of me without warning. This event  has been the most unpredictable, the most shocking, and paralyzing event in my entire life.  It has undermined my entire world view. I'm slowly piecing it together. I have a hard time with the unpredictable. I have a hard time with dramatic change. But I don't want to spend my life avoiding change. I don't want to spend my life being paralyzed by unexpected change. I need to become comfortable again with the unpredictable. I need to expect to unexpected and believe that I can still in fact cope.



This suffering..this trial is real. It is so real! I'm beginning to accept the suffering. I'm beginning to really understand that there is no curing this loss...there is only enduring the loss.

This really did happen, it really hurts...and there will be times...that it always will.

This seems like such a sad view. It is! This is so sad. But it is still the truth. From my history...this isn't the first time I've had to accept a hard truth about myself. In the past, it was only when I accepted the truth I was able to fully live with it, grow from it....I overcame it! It know longer has any negative grip on me. In fact, it is a huge part of my experience that helps define who I am. It was only when I was able to fully accept my condition that I could accept all that was needed to live with it. I became empowered!

It is only when we fully resign to the truth about our power that we can become empowered in the areas we do have power.

I am not powerless! There is so many areas of my life I have power. I can actively reduce stress in my life. I can actively increase all the things in my life that make me feel alive...feel joy. I can practice healthy emotional responses. I can build a healthy emotional world to help me better cope with the pain. I can give myself permission to rest, to tap out.. or to do something fun!



For me this suffering is transforming into love. I can continue to let my suffering drive my passions. There are times I feel so alive, so powerful. I have a new focus. I think all this pent up energy and emotion can fuel my passions.

 Yesterday at Taekwondo we had to work on sparring. Sparring is not where my natural talent lies. I'm usually avoid conflict.... but that is starting to change. I always feel awkward sparring. I worry about getting hurt and hurting others. The more I spar, the more I learn it's not about getting hurt...it's about learning techniques and strategies. I have learned sparring techniques that has given me confidence in the real world. I have learned that being unpredictable in conflict can really throw your opponent. I've learned that stepping in as opposed to stepping back gives you more power. I've learned that dodging and blocking is just as valuable as being on the offence. I've learned how to battle fair. Last night I had to spar against a teenage black belt. It is believed to be a great benefit to spar against other belt levels, It is always good to be challenged. The teenage boy is a kind boy, he is somewhat shy but still friendly, as we bowed he said he would go easy on me.

I was focused, I forgot about my fears, I applied technique and strategy and the instructor advised the black belt that he didn't need to pull back. I was holding my own!

My point is that although this experience is exhausting and continuously challenging, it is also full of gifts. I get to have a new energy I never experienced before...that is giving me a new confidence I have never had before. I went to Taekwondo in a low mood last night. I was struggling with feelings of shame about my state. I assumed I would not have a good night sparring with such a bad attitude. I was wrong!!! There is something so strong me that keeps just wanting to live. My thoughts began to change...I remembered something someone said to me when I was feeling defeated.

" It is not important whether you succeed or fail...it is that you do not become discouraged."

This is hard..but getting discouraged, feeling shame...is only going to bring me down and slow me down. I don't want to be down. It is not conducive for me or my children. I have to persevere.

This fight is testing my endurance and as long as I keep to it...I will continue to find out what my spirit is made of. I will endure!

Embrace the mystery!

Separation and Transition

Grief is not an illness or a disease...it is a transition, a process. I have been advised to not do too much research about the grieving process, to just let it take it's course. To me that is like taking a trip and knowing nothing about what to expect, knowing nothing about the destination. This is my first experience with grief. I have only lost grandparents that were in their 80's. So different! I am fascinated and I am curious!

What I most enjoy about the research is it normalizes the experience for me. It reminds me that although  everything I feel and experience seems abnormal compared to before I lost Gord...it is all normal given the circumstances. Like pregnancy, every ailment is most likely normal...the oddest thing and someone else has experienced it. It reduces my anxiety and makes me feel empowered to have understanding.

Yesterday I was watching my boys, thinking and planning about their futures. They are often coping with separation and transition. I thought about separation anxiety. I decided to research separation anxiety and young spousal death. Interesting!

When a baby or toddler and sometimes even in kindergartner has to be separated from a parent you can witness a child suffer from separation anxiety. It is heart wrenching for an adult. Just taking a soother away can mean  a 3 day temper tantrum, as they muster up all possible emotion to try and save their soul from having to be separated from an attachment, from being separated from something that brought them comfort, from something they believe helps them to cope to survive. So far, helping my boys through these transitions, though these separations has been the most challenging endeavor as a parent.

However, helping them through these transitions brings growth and freedom. They learn new coping mechanisms and sometimes they learn they don't need those attachments after all. Over time, they adapt and come to realize that they are OK...they can survive...

I'm desperately wanting Noah to transition into a bed. My sleep is one of the most important keys to my success in coping with life. I have to set myself up for success. I have 2 boys to raise. I also want the freedom to travel. I am now dying to go to the city. Cabin season is about to begin. I love road trips..seeing family and friends. I want to go shopping, go to good restaurants and go to a movie. I want to take my kids to the movies, the waterpark and the zoo. I want to get out of dodge. But.... Noah is too big for a playpen and transitioning to a bed for the first time away from home runs great risk of a bad night for all. So I`m determined...I`m ready to make the commitment...but am I?

 Last night I tried...we read books, sang songs and prayed. I told him if he could sleep in a big boy bed, we could go visit all our family. He was pumped.....until it was time to sleep. He stood on his bed and screamed...I can`t do this. I held the door shut as he screamed with every once of energy he had. He wanted Noah`s bed. He wanted the crib. I felt like I was torturing him. He has already had to cope with so much transition and separation. Could this be too early?....Could this be too much for him?...Too hard on me?

This article touched on the great struggle...the great conflict a person endures when coping with a big loss. They compared the loss of a spouse to a main character dying mid story. I could relate. This analogy rang true for me. How does the story go on? My story has taken a sharp turn, there are many similar characters and settings; however,  there are also new characters, a new destination and a new ending. I would love to plot out this story. I wish I could write with a plan. But I can`t...this story has to unfold day by day, page by page.

I`m in the process of letting go of Gord as my husband on earth, I`m in the process of letting go of many dreams, I`m also in the process of letting go the need to control. I`m beginning to surrender to the process...trust in the process. I often still feel like I`m walking in the dark. I still feel like I can`t see beyond the step in front of me. I want to know what to expect. I need a map...a compass! I want my own " choose your own adventure."

.... This tale is designed to be left up to mystery...up to chance. I have to live, I have to take chances, I have to take risks. The great thing about mysteries is that...it can be exciting!

If I look at the trail behind me I see a strong road, full of encouragement and light. I see that I have fallen many times but I always find my way back to the road. I have never been fully abandoned..I have never been left to die. I know many times I have been carried. I can surrender to the process in knowing that although it is challenging and painful...I will survive. I am coping with separation from someone that was the main character in my story. I`m in transition as this story unfolds...I`m learning new coping mechanisms and perhaps learning that I can survive without this attachment. Although I haven't had a map to follow or direction...it has always seemed like I'm being lead.

This transition is bringing growth...it is bringing freedom. It is time to let go...and hold on. It is time to embrace the adventure! Embrace the mystery!

To See Again!

My heart aches. Easter was overall a wonderful day where new memories were created. The day was full of fun and laughter....But my heart ached!

During mass, I welled up with tears. Noah was snuggling. He nestled his body against mine. I felt love and sadness run through me at the same time. I thought about how wonderfully warm if felt to have be so close to this gentle soul. He fell asleep in my arms. I thought about how much Gord loved being close to his boys...how this large burly man just loved to hold them...be close to them. I thought about how I loved to be in his embrace. How Gord's embrace brought me a certain peace and security I only found with him.

Through these tears of sadness and grief...I still felt joy. I felt overwhelmed with the gifts I have. My boys, my family...friends. I still get to live...enjoy all this.

When you have your hand on death....life seems more alive...more amazing, magical, miraculous.

Brunch was a party! It was at a restaurant in town, a popular buffet. I ran into half the town. There was a buzz. I felt apart of something, apart of the community, I felt like I belonged.

On full bellies we retired to our home and found the rest we needed. I call them family naps! When I lay to nap...I often fall...I fall into a sadness. It is when I am weak that I am visited by sad, angry, confused uncomfortable...painful thoughts. I didn't want to get up. I wanted to stay in bed for the rest of the day. I lost all motivation.

Thankfully I care more about my children than myself. I remembered I had promised Danny an egg hunt after nap time. I just got up.

Getting up alone improved my mood. I was impressed that I could push beyond my own sadness. The outdoors awakes my soul. I feel so alive and new. I feel lifted and grounded at the same time. The boys loved their Easter egg hunt.

We proceeded to the board walk which is hidden in the forest in Hinton. It is a unique place of beauty. There are beaver dams, willows, trails and outlooks to see the mountains in the distance. The children ran, they were free. There was laughter. This was the only time that day I recall feeling free from pain.

Some good friends had joined us on the board walk and had invited us to their home for tea after our walk. We sat outside on their deck that was on the second story. The sun fell upon us...it was warm and bright. I felt so much heart ache. It just hurt so much. I could barely participate in conversation. No one knew, I was wearing sunglasses. I still know how to smile when I am in pain.

I had nothing on my mind. I was attempting to just be present...to the day, the warmth...the company..but it could not numb the pain.

I'm starting to accept that nothing can fill the void. Nothing can change the pain. There is no medicine strong enough, no replacements, no large distractions that can change this pain. I am suffering. I'm beginning to surrender my broken heart. I'm beginning to realize that even the most wonderful feelings in the world can not change my broken heart. I can see now that I have no power to fix my heart.The only one who can ever heal my heart is the one who created it. I'm giving my heart to God.

However, despite this broken heart...this chronic emotional pain..I still have so much to live for...so much to enjoy. Despite this pain, I 'm still lucky to wake up everyday. I am so fortune I have children to give my life purpose everyday.

Although this suffering is uncomfortable and painful...it is useful. I can use it to write, to pray...to be compassionate.

I was sharing with Phil and Katharine last week. They were Gord's closest friends. They have also endured tragic loss. I am always amazed by their wisdom.

I asked Phil what his theory was on suffering.

( My interpretation of what he said)

He replied, " It teaches us how to survive, we find out what we are made out of. In some ways, people like us, who survive a tragedy... we get to experience the full human experience. Suffering is what allows us to fully live. We have eyes like others don't. We see things we couldn't see before. We are able to appreciate life differently."

So I am suffering....It is hard. It is challenging to live with pain everyday. I am coming to accept that I have no power over the pain. All I can do is use it, let it transform me...change me...bring me to the full human experience. I can learn to love this world through new eyes!

My Super Heros

Yesterday I was on the computer, I accidentally hit a button and this picture flashed on the screen. Without any reflection emotion spilled out of me. The wave consumed me, overwhelmed me. I was flooded with memories. Some of the best memories of my life. It was only just over a year ago that Gord, the kids and I joined my parents in Kuaui.

What an awesome place. Gord and I fell in love with this island. It reminded me of another favorite place,  in interior BC. Kaslo! ...A small town in the Kootney mountains... a hidden treasure where some of my most favorite people live. Family...extended family. This town is surrounded by mountains, it is the end of the road. It is quiet...it is beautiful.

Kauai to me was like a ... Kaslo meets Hawaii. Lush, large mountains surround the land and the beaches are quiet, the roads were empty. The small towns were quaint with shops and restaurants, but it felt more like a home than a destination. The people who lived there were hippies who seemed to have it all figured out!

Our days melted into each other. The kids were the best part, it was so entertaining watching and playing with them as they enjoyed this world. The wine and conversation between the four of us flowed every evening and the days...just took care of themselves. I had 10 days of bliss, euphoria. Spending this holiday with Gord only made me fall further in love with him. It felt like a dream, but it was...real!

As I fell towards these deep emotions and became overwhelmed in my grief, I could over hear Noah from the basement.

In desperation, " Danny, mom is crying."

Obviously unaware, Danny replied, " No she is not!"

Noah, with his tenacious energy, " Danny, mom is really crying!!!"

Danny stopped and then with urgency, " Noah, you are right, mom is crying, Let's go!"

Just hearing this, I couldn't help but smile.

They ran up the stairs with a mission, coming to my rescue. Noah immediately started with his usual silliness. That is his favorite strategy to get his mom to smile and laugh. Danny climbed up the stool, wrapped himself around me and said his usual.

"Do you miss dad?"

Through a tearful grin and a soft laugh I showed them the picture, . They recounted the memories of that special trip, the journey with their dad.

My boys, my little angels know how to save their mothers soul. I am so fortunate!

God has sent me so many angels...so many super heroes.

It didn't always seem like enough...but now I realize that I really received all I have needed to get this far.

I am so moved by my parents unwavering desire to help me, to be there for me, to support me. It has touched me deeply to see how they continue to show up. They just keep loving me. This weekend reminded me of our time in Kauai. It was so easy! We had so much fun with the boys, we played them out and then the wine and conversation just flowed. Surprisingly, I had those warm feelings return...that made me feel like the world is in order again. It is beautiful and I am loved.

Over the past six months there are so many times where I received the comfort, encouragement and hope I needed to persevere. Social media reminded me everyday how much people care. To some... a simple "like", positive quote , a private message or email may feel like a small act...but I promise you there are many times that small gesture lifted my spirits for the day.

Prayers, hugs, phone calls, regular phone dates, routine visits, girls nights, meals and the encouragement I have received to keep writing. This all helped. These acts lifted me, sometimes grounded me, sometimes brought me to tears...in a good way. Today I want to acknowledge and extend the deepest and sincerest thank you all those who have ever supported me in small ways...in large ways. This journey has been difficult but it has been paved with love. It has been surrounded by love. No wonder I have come so far!

Losing someone who has been a daily support has often left me feeling alone...but I'm really beginning to learn that I am not so alone after all.

This past week I was revisited with feelings of loneliness, abandonment and isolation. I wrestled with my soul in search for hope, meaning and peace. In the depths of despair and desperation, in my moments of weakness, tiredness and dark imaginings...I climbed out and I found it. I found hope, meaning and peace.

I was having a hard time facing the truth about my state....That I am no longer married, that I no longer had a human that loves me in that special way...that I loved in that special way.

What I found....

Hope in new dreams.

New purpose to give my life meaning

Peace!

Peace...in knowing that I was fully loved. Well loved by Gord. I am feeling so grateful that he was able to be such a rock in my life, such a constant. I am so grateful that he desired that. I love that he wanted to spend time with me, he wanted to love me. I am so fortunate! I have peace in knowing that I am daily surrounded by people that love me. I am at peace knowing that I am safe, I am free! I am at peace living in a beautiful world that is waiting for me to fully embrace today, fully embrace the now!

Tomorrow is Easter. I keep being told to expect these occasions to be hard... but again I feel joy. Gord makes it easy for me to have joy. I know...it is what Gord would want for me and his boys. There is so much to celebrate! I am surrounded by angels and superheros. I live in a beautiful world. I am loved! And most importantly I am the most fortunate woman I know to have been so well loved by her husband.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeuVBc76jas

I sang this song in a small group choir a few years ago. It came to me tonight. Reminds me a new beginnings and living in the present...in the new day!

Happy Easter!

It's a new life!

I dreamed a dream

Lately my mind seems to want to travel in the past. It seems like drawing on previous life experience is helping me to understand my life today and build a future for tomorrow.

I had another dream!

Gymnastics! Age 4 I recall watching the Olympics. There was a gymnast igniting the floor. I was in pure amazement at her capabilities. I can remember thinking that she seemed super human. I immediately wanted that. I wanted to be super human! Within months I had mastered a cartwheel...I was always working on a new skill. Finally age nine, I was registered in classes. I moved quickly through levels. My parents saw my passion and encouraged it. I had my own mats and beams in our basement. It was my favorite past time.  I would dream, imagine, fantasize the perfect routines. I imagined and believed one day I would compete in the Olympics. Age 14 I began to compete.That is quite late for gymnastics. But I was in love and that was all that mattered. I had a great year, not too intensive...mostly fun! One of my favorite aspects of being on the competitive team was to the opportunity to watch the other gymnasts that competed at higher levels. I was so inspired!

The following year, if I had made the team again I would begin competing provincially and potentially against western Canada. I couldn't believe the potential for my dream was appearing right in front of me. I was going to have to train up to 20 hrs a week. I loved the idea of training 20 hrs a week. Gymnastics was my world where I felt fully alive. My teens were some of the most painful years in my life and gymnastics is where I found my refuge. My purpose!

I clearly remember a summer morning visiting with my mom. She took this moment to inform that in September she was not going to register me for gymnastics. She explained to me that the demands of the competitive program was beyond what our family could handle. We lived 20 minutes away from the gym, and there were still 3 other kids in the family that had needs too. It was done! In that second...my dream ended. All of it!

I can't really recall how I felt. I imagine it was surreal, I imagine I was devastated.

It wasn't a part of my plan to be Olympian! It was a dream!

I can look back and tell you with my entire heart that I'm grateful that I had not continued as a competitive gymnast. I confidently know that there was a much better plan in store.

I started to coach. Gymnastics and children. My two favorite passions. I coached for 12 years. I loved every minute of it. If coaching gymnastics provided a career that offered as much as teaching I would probably do that instead. There was nothing more thrilling than embarking on a journey with another gymnast. I worked mostly with the  precompetitive programs. I played a huge role in recruiting for the competitive program. I seemed to have good judgement for body type, attitude and potential. I loved working with gymnasts in this stage because it is this stage where the truest passion lies. When you aren't there yet! When you have to work for it. When you can see it! When you are dreaming!

As inspiring as the higher level gymnasts were; they lacked a certain passion. They now had to cope with pressure, intensive training, constant criticism, extremely high expectations. It is a highly technical sport. There is often more failure than success once you approach high competitive levels. It is dangerous, it is hard on the body. Gymnastics is known to stunt growth. Many gymnasts who competed at high levels never reentered a gymnastics facility ever again after the day they quit. They lost their passion. Many gymnasts lose the pleasure of their sport once they are pushed beyond their own desire.

I will always have a passion and love for the sport. And although I do suffer from some chronic injuries, it could of been worse.

I lost Gord on a high. It is so devastating to lose this dream. But all I have left are fond memories. I will always be able to fully love Gord and I will always have a passion for marriage.

I recently read that it 's not about letting go of the person you loved.... it's about letting go of the loss of that person. It' time to move forward with my new life. It wasn't part of the plan to be married to Gord for another 40 years, it was a dream.It's time to be open to new dreams. I need to believe in the possibility that there is actually room for a better plan. One thing is for sure...there is in fact another plan for my life

...And that is true whether I choose to accept it or not.

I choose to accept there is a new plan!

 "It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life."

- Micheal Buble

Another rant! It' all about my life!

I'm going to be candid, honest... real. I'm sad, disappointed and discouraged. I miss Gord,  I miss being married, I miss feeling loved...I miss being happy. THIS SUCKS! This is the opposite of fun.

I 've always thought this road was tough...but now I think it is ridiculous. I am sad, I cry...every single day, usually alone, occasionally I receive a hug from my boys. I also laugh, smile, go get groceries, work, run errands, hang out with friends, be a mom and exercise. Today I did taxes for the first time in 10 years. Actually I'm relying on an expert. Good thing! That also sucked, many questions about spouse.  I have filled my life with things that bring my life happiness but I still feel sad. I am surrounded by people but I still feel alone.

I'm so tired. I'm tortured with insomnia...again. Supposedly, it's a good thing...it forces you to slow down...so you can face the pain. I can't believe there is more. I really hoped the intensity would've changed by now. Honestly...can you tell I'm frustrated.

But of coarse, like everything else there is an upside to where I am at in my journey.

I have resumed all regular activity. I'm living my life relatively the same way I did when Gord was alive. My relationships are fully functioning. I've mostly settled all issues with the estate. I guess that is pretty awesome. I'm healthy. I so far have managed to avoid alcoholism , drug addiction and any other activities I might of regretted. The only thing I have yet to do is go visit all my friends and family in Edmonton. However, it's no longer because of a fear to drive. I know I could drive to Edmonton. It's that my two year old still hasn't transitioned into a bed and neither of us seem up to the change. Other than that, I've conquered many firsts and I am in fact living a normal life.

This normal still  kind of sucks!

Thanks for listening to my rant!

PS. Still plan on making the best of this life, just not right in this moment!

A Light in the Darkness

I’m missing meaning...purpose. Objectively, I have so much purpose and meaning in my life. I’m so grateful I spent the past six months building a life that gave me a sense of purpose. I’m so grateful that among the complete breakdown of my whole being, I was still able to love my children.  I remember two days after Gord died I woke up and made Danny and Noah oatmeal. My sister was astonished. I can remember her saying, “How are you making them a hot breakfast?”

I responded, “I don’t know how, but somehow I can, somehow I want to.”

Every day I have got out of bed. Every single day!

I wanted to live. I just couldn’t lose everything.

I wanted to inspire. I wanted to use this experience to heal myself and inspire others. I remembered I loved to write. This gave me great purpose. Recently I haven’t been receiving as much feedback about my blog. It has made me question if something was off. I was trying to be rational...but it wasn’t working. I became discouraged. I was losing my purpose.

I cope with mom guilt every single day. Every day I fall short from what I believe I should be providing my kids. Mostly just in attention. If I could just meet that one need beyond feeding them I might feel a bit better.  

Since this event has happened I have had to cope with a major change in limitations. My doctor often says that I’m too hard on myself. I haven’t quite figured out what he means yet, but he suggested that I should research how people with major limitations cope, e.g. paraplegics. I remember when I was super sick I expressed to my doctor that my kids were probably sick because I wasn't cooking very good meals. He asked me what I fed them. He responded that, by feeding them three meals a day I was feeding my kids better then some who don't have problems. This made me think. He said as long as they were eating...he was happy.

From the little investigation I did, I discovered that people with major limitations  learn to appreciate all the things they can do and  become empowered when they are able to do something  they were unable to do before.

I have so many people to love...and so many people that love me. But at the end of the day...what I need, what I crave...what I yearn for is love...unconditional love from one person.

I feel lost...my heart and mind are lost...they don’t know where to go.  I spent 10 years devoting a huge part of my heart to one man and now....he is not here. I miss having one special person to think about, to love. I miss being loved by one special person.

I know I am well loved...I know I am not alone. I know am loved by God.  I know that I have so much purpose and meaning in my life...but somehow...right now...it’s not enough.

I have to dig deeper. I have to find a new inspiration...new purpose. I can’t figure it out. I don’t know what it is.

What I do know....I won’t give up, I will keep persevering. I’m climbing again, I’m so tired of climbing but there really are no other options.

I wish I had something to give right now. I wish I had words of wisdom, inspiration. But tonight I don’t.

I will be surprised...if something doesn’t come to me. It always does. I always seem to receive the clarity I need to persevere.

Part 2

I knew it would come...but I hadn’t anticipated it would come so quickly. I really dislike being morbid.

Two days before Gord’s death, I took Noah for a walk to the park. It was fall.  The sky was so dark. Ominous heavy clouds drenched the sky. Against this eerie sky stood a tree! It was large, tall with bright, florescent yellow bright leaves.

I had a moment with nature.  A feeling ran through me. It felt like a déjà vu! I can remember noticing the sharp contrast between the dark and light, between the eerie dark sky and the breath taking beauty of the bright leaves. I was seeing two opposing forces at the exact same time. I remember how unusual it felt... to feel cold and comfortable at the exact same time. The air was crisp, biting but my sweater was warm. I clearly remember thinking...I feel like this is a sign. I don’t ever recall having a moment like this with nature before.

The night Gord died that image ran through my mind over and over. I knew why I had that experience. It was preparing me for this. This experience! What happened to Gord, what happened to me. But mostly that experience with nature changed something in me. I can remember telling this story to my sister in law, Alison, days after Gord died. I told her, “I want to be a light in the darkness.”

I had the same thought right before I spoke at Gords funeral. I had the same thought whenever I see sadness in my children’s eyes. And tonight I faced my own purpose. My existential purpose.

For the past 6 months I have been seeking joy, it wasn’t a fruitless venture but I think it may have been incomplete. I need to seek meaning...purpose.

I’ve been challenging myself to always look on the bright side...but tonight I have clarity. It’s not that I should look on the bright side...but rather that I will be a part of the bright side of life.

Happiness comes and goes. Contentment will always be challenged. What I really need is a good reason to persevere no matter what life throws at me. I need to be a bright light. Whether it’s spending time with my kids, writing another blog, smiling at a stranger, helping a friend or a family member, I need to be a light. I need to laugh more, love more. I was thinking about my most rewarding moments lately...really trying to dig deep. 

It is when I am with others, when we smile, share and laugh. It is when I can see this life for all it still has to offer. The best moments are when I make my kids smile and when I inspire with my blog. I have to keep doing these things that make others happy... because that gives me great purpose. Maybe if I spend more energy on others, perhaps I will fret less about myself.

The most rewarding work I had the privilege of doing was teaching in a Catholic inner city school. It was my teaching practicum.  It was a grade 1 class composed of students that were mostly coded, ESL and coming to school with the basics unmet. There was a hallway designated to clothing racks. The students and their families could come and get coats and clothes when they didn’t have enough. There was a hot breakfast and lunch provided every day.  It was the most valuable learning experience for me as a teacher and as a human being.

The students instantly loved me. All I had to do was walk in that classroom and without a second glance they all fell in love. We, the teachers were their everything.  There was such a high rate of learning disabilities and behavior issues that I didn't teach a lesson for the whole first week. All I did was classroom management. The cooperating teacher spent every day for a week just teaching me strategies to gain the attention and proper behavior so that I would have the possibility of getting through a lesson. But they were beautiful, amazing, wonderful children. They were loving and compassionate and all they wanted was love.  I was able to teach these children, they did learn and they did progress and it was the most rewarding experience in my life. All I wanted to do was give more. 

There was a girl in grade 5 that I started to bond with. She always just kind of hung around after school.  She was so beautiful and kind. One day I asked her why she stayed after school every day. She said it was her favorite place. She said it was where she found God. I shared this with some of the teachers...they told me her mom was a prostitute that was dating a drug dealer. 

My heart broke...but what I realized is that the work that we did at that school was way more important than just educating, we were possibly saving lives.  This was one of the best feelings in my entire life.

My goal needs to change, instead of focusing on seeking my own personal joy, perhaps I will find what I’m looking for by putting more of myself into others.

...Maybe my goal should be to make this world a bright place. Can’t hurt to try!

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
        

 'A Return To Love' (1992) by Marianne Williamson

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Lighten up...it's humorous!

It’s time to lighten up! This new road in my life can be traveled with whatever disposition I choose. I’m ready to experiment. My mind is opening up to testing a new approach.

I’m often discouraged by the tumultuous road. It’s like I wake with a mood and it’s handed to me, whether I choose it or not, whether I like it or not….

But I’m learning how to cope with it, how to curb it…change it.

I start building. On days when I awake to an unwelcome mood or emotion, I've developed a formula that can get me though the day. This formula has many times altered my mood, my perceptions and interpretations. I just start doing things that improve my mood. Friends, writing, music, exercise.

Yesterday…it occurred to me. It’s time to chill out. It’s time to let go. It’s time to just laugh. Just laugh at my life…at myself.

Although I am emotional, I’m still quite capable of being rational. Gord introduced me to this world. Gord somehow could bring my emotional world into focus and simplify. What I miss about Gord so much right now is that he always had a way to make me feel normal. The emotional world was unusual to him. Although he had difficulty fully understanding me he seemed to always affirm me. He had strong communication skills. He knew how to paraphrase what I feeling, he would say things like I can see why you would feel that way. I imagine, if I could talk to him right now he would say that everything I say do makes perfect sense given the circumstances. He wouldn't respond emotionally, he would respond rationally. I miss that so much and I wonder how I continue to carry on without him. But I do. I can also speculate that he would be proud of me for making whatever efforts I can to be happy. I think he would appreciate that I’m really making an effort to find happiness in this world without him. That is all he ever wanted for all of us. I think he would also say that it is perfectly understandable that there are times that we experience sadness, anger and anxiety. I also think he would challenge me to try and chill out a little.

I’m looking from the outside inward at my emotional world and I’m realizing that I have been dramatizing my emotions; I have caused them to escalate. They are escalating because I am uncomfortable with them, because I think there is something wrong with them. I fret about being sad; I’m frustrated with myself when I feel angry and I was getting worried about feeling anxious. This is not helpful.  My mind and emotions are trying to piece my new reality together…it’s going to take time to recover.

So now what, how do I live with this huge emotional world and turbulent mood changes.  This is my reality!

I laugh!

 A good friend of mine has six children. I’m coming to realize that we connect so easily because we have so much in common. She has the busiest life…but somehow she just sees it as being normal. She seems to relate to me when I talk about my head spinning and my absent mindedness.We wonder how we get through our days, how our kids just continue to be happy, to thrive.  And half the time…all we do is laugh. Laugh at ourselves…our lives. And you know what; it is humorous!

My new parenting style is forcing me to decide what really matters. I  see how taking pressure off myself is taking pressure off my kids. We are all learning how to just be. We are all learning to create our own worlds that best meet our own needs.  We are learning how to self sooth.  Some of my favorite moments with my boys are when we are all in the same room…doing independent activities…and it just feels awesome to be together. But I’m also learning….that sometimes…it’s good to just let go off all of this…everything. The pain, the stress…the thinking…the feeling and just play. Laugh!

Last night I took the boys to the playground. Often times I’m on my phone, on FB, checking emails. I watch them. I enjoy them. But last night I decided to play. I chased them, made pretend with them. We went on an adventure. I went on the swings and it felt awesome. My most rewarding moments are when I just play with my boys. I see how much they love this…

It’s time to play, it’s time to live…it’s time to laugh.

I’m thinking there is a possibility that I have been taking my life too seriously, taking myself too seriously. I’m running in circles, I stumble often right now. I’m up, I’m down. It can be embarrassing. It’s humbling. I laugh when I’m embarrassed. Sometimes…it’s just better to laugh.

Noah is almost 3. He is so cute, playful and friendly. He is also wild, untamed and has boundless energy. So it’s all good…as long I don’t have to be in a public setting where there is any expectation that my son will be a civilized human being.

Church is my most challenging hour of the week. I often leave in a sweat. I exercise deep breathing techniques so I keep my cool. I keep going because I believe it will bless my children’s life, bless my life. I don’t always know how it will bless my life…but I do know that I am blessed!

Church is not designed for toddlers. I tell myself God loves them…therefore they can come. It’s a tough climate to parent in. How to discipline in church?  When all you want them to do is be quiet the last thing you can do is get into a power struggle with them. With Danny I can use incentives for after church. Noah on the other hand, can’t wait an hour to be rewarded. So it’s tough, I try to roll with it.

Last Sunday, I had a mom moment. Noah was leaving the pew; he looked at me…like watch this. As I stepped towards him he ran to the altar. There he was mid altar, looking at me with a coy, cute grin. He motioned,"Come and get me.”

Shoot, I thought, is this really happening. Am I really that mom right now? I am having that mom moment right now in front of 200 hundred people and I am at a loss for what to do. I knew if I chased him, he would have me making circles around Father Brian.  So I stood there and watched. I watched as he circled around.  Father Brian is the best. He acted as if nothing was happening, he just continued. I wanted to die. I wanted to grab my boy and hide in a cave. When I finally saw my moment to catch him, I jumped in. Thankfully, there were only a few minutes until I could make a slick exit. When I got to the van, I fell apart. I could tell my boys were full of remorse for their behavior. They know this is hard for me. I’m fairly certain…Noah won’t do that again.

For the rest of the day, these images starting running through my head, I was plagued with feelings of helplessness, powerlessness. The worst feelings ever!  But then I started to share. I had been invited to my friends for brunch. We started swapping embarrassing church stories. It quickly became apparent… this is so normal. I began to realize that it was quite humorous.

My little Noah reminds all of us to not take our selves too seriously. There is so much in the world that is outside our power. I could let it crush me or I can find the humor in it. I’m really beginning to see…it’s just not the end of the world. I thought it was the end of the world for me when Gord died…but it wasn't. My world is still here, still alive…still beautiful.

Developing a healthy emotional world takes practice, takes discipline. I plan my days. My days are full of responsibility, rest, play, writing and exercise. I practice peace, gratefulness and relaxation. I make a huge effort to surround myself with things and people that increase my joy.  It is all important…to be balanced; to be happy.

 I have a new plan. My new plan is to practice more laughter. It really is quite funny…after all.

Final Fantasy

 I was in shock! I always heard and read that the shock of suffering a traumatic death lasts for six months. I researched emotional shock very early on. It's very abstract. Not much description. It is the brains way of coping with intense pain...denial...the brain can only process so much pain at a time.The brain creates different defense mechanisms to cope with shock. Every person responds in a unique manner.

I thought I was facing reality. I thought I was being real to the process, open to the process.

In some ways I have been, I've been present to whatever my mind was ready to process. I didn't hide...I have often been tempted...but I knew facing reality...facing the pain is the only way towards healing, towards wholeness.

Many people cope with shock by using vices...crutches...numb the pain. I've truly made an effort not to go down that road...but sometimes I do. For the most part, I stay on track. I'm too motivated. I want to be well for my kids.

Many people can stay in shock for prolonged periods. It's easier to be numb.

When Gord died...something in me died. I hid in my imagination, in a fantasy. I found a corner of my mind that allowed me to feel safe...secure. It was also a place of distraction, refuge from the pain. An escape!

My mind made a plan...a future plan so I could survive. Everyday this dream...fantasy got me out of bed. The fantasy made sense to me...I convinced myself it made sense.

This part of my mind is waking up...coming to..stepping back into the real world and unfortunately the fantasy was an unrealistic dream that could never take form the way I imagined it.

This dream did save me. It did push me through six months. It saved me from the depths of despair. It gave me purpose, motivation and hope! I needed this fantasy to survive!

My imagination was my crutch...and thankfully this crutch leaves no damage other than facing the pain of the reality.

I imagined I could get back to where I was. Happily married...with little effort. I imagined the idealistic dream that a man would just show up, it would just happen...it would just be. I imagined I would be at the same spot, with the same security, stability...soul connection. My mind needed to believe this because it was all I understood. It was the only way I knew how to survive...how to be happy. I thought being married was the only way I could be happy. I fantasized it would be easy. Just like with Gord.

But reality hit. Hit hard.

Any dream...all real dreams demand effort. And although my mind would like to believe it was all super easy with Gord...that is not the truth.

We spent nine years building a relationship to get it to the point of being... easy. In some ways...relatively speaking being in relationship with Gord was easier than any other relationship I have had. Just because of his nature...our natures together. I can honestly say I don't recall a rocky road with Gord, but I do remember having to face obstacles. He was so steady...so objective. Any issue only demanded a rational conversation. He brought my emotional world into balance. Our love just flowed steady...like a river.

But it was work, we had to start at the bottom.

I've realized that I have to start at the bottom and I'm feeling disillusioned by the journey. I will have to learn about myself again. I will need to discover what will fit now. What worked before will be different..because I am now changed. Relationships take effort, they can be challenging, they take commitment and honesty. Initially, they can rocky, there can be doubt...insecurities. I will get hurt...I may have to hurt others in the process. I am realizing that this is a huge under taking and at this moment I'm not feeling motivated at all. I imagine when I'm stronger to handle stresses of life; the joys of dating will become an exciting adventure. But I'm also beginning to face the reality that I am in fact vulnerable. I have suffered a trauma, a tragic loss and I am finally accepting that although I have at times been strong throughout this process I am emotionally vulnerable.

For now, for today based on what I have seen in myself,  I'm seeing the single life as a safe place. I will continue to walk alongside all my family, friends and kids... Evidently, I'm not so alone after all.

In the very early weeks after Gord died it appeared as though my dreams were shattered and I would never recover. I can remember the councilor saying..." But don't you think you could have new dreams?"

I remember being astounded...having absolutely no clue what she was talking about. How? What new dreams?

But then it happened, I started building new dreams. What drew me to the point where I could dream again; was needing to have dreams for my kids. My mind had a really hard time and still does have a hard time processing that they will have to grow up without their dad. He was an amazing dad. He was suppose to have an amazing influence on their lives. He was suppose to be a part of their journey, our journey. Since this is no longer possible...I want to do what ever I can to promote their happiness. The most important thing I can do is avoid despair.

Over the past six months I've really come to see that Gord will always be a part of our journey because he was a part of our world. Both Danny and Noah carry so much of his genetics...we all knew his character, we knew him so well. He has been intricately woven into our souls and his legacy still leads us.

So I have new dreams...for me and my children.

 I write...I use to love writing as a teen, it was an amazing outlet. A teacher encouraged me to write daily, creatively...in English.  She became my mentor, my hope. She played an instrumental role in who I am today. She often shared my work with my classmates and they seemed to appreciate it. As I healed from my childhood and teen issues I think the need to write dissipated. As well, as I progressed into critical writing as opposed to creative writing I discovered I was lacking some important skills. I began to fail. This killed my confidence. I tucked away my creative writing until now.

In university I wrote tons. Tons and tons of papers. I learned critical writing skills. I worked very hard but my creative writing was still in hiding.

It is emerging again. Now, I have both creative and critical writing skills...and it's magical.

I'm unsure where this dream is heading...but so far, I'm excited.

My children..... my hopes, dreams and expectations. My children are awesome. I just marvel in their presence all the time. They already have empathy...emotional intelligence. It's incredible. They are bright, kind and friendly. I know my kids are going to grow up to be amazing people. They have already adapted to live with less. They know how to get through days when they don't feel like it. They know how to put others needs ahead of their own. They are going to be just fine and they teach me everyday how to be resilient. They always get back up. The idea of giving up hasn't even crossed their minds yet. My dream for them...is that they simply continue to be resilient!


So...can I still dream? Can a future still appear in my fantasy?

Yes! But it is new, changed and transformed. It is real!

Like an athlete...I know the process is as important as the medal. I am going to dream about being strong and healthy. I am going to imagine what it looks like to be healed. I will continue to do all I can to rebuild myself...rebuild my soul. I will believe that someday I will have the strength and courage to truly enter the dating world along with the confidence that I am worthy of another healthy and happy marriage. I will enter into this world with the expectations that I can handle the bumps along the road, that I can handle the commitment that a true and honest relationship demands.

 For now... my mind finally believes that I have been able to find happiness daily; despite the fact that I'm not married. I can survive,  be happy and be single.

My new hope lies in building a strong self so that I will be equipped for the next chapter in my life. I haven't given up on the hope of remarriage, I have given up on the fantasy that remarriage would be easy. I have faced another reality, I have left a fantasy. That part of my mind is empty and is ready to build real dreams...real hope. I realize now that I have a long road ahead of me. It is disappointing..but at least it is real.

Someday our hearts will believe.... what our minds already know is true.

This morning Danny came into my room with a picture from Gord's funeral. On the front, is a picture of Gord with Danny and Noah. They all look so happy. It was taken 3 days before Gord died. It was taken on a Sunday. We had gone to the boardwalk. I can remember the conversation Gord and I were having...like it was yesterday. I can picture his intensity, curiosity.

He was into the kids. They were playing hide and seek in the bushes. Gord was as childlike as they were. We were a family and it was awesome.

Danny began to cry...he said he missed his dad more than anything.

I started telling Danny all the things I always tell myself. We were so fortunate to have had a great dad, we were so fortunate he was so good to us and that we have so many good memories.Through my own tears...I told him dad would want us to be happy. That is all he ever wanted. I started balling telling Danny that we have to find the good in our lives still. The best way we can honor dad, honor his life...is by making the best of this world without him.

But...I didn't even believe it. It makes sense in my mind...but not in my heart.

We wish he was here and we are all trying to be happy...but the truth is we are heart broken...every day.

I do believe that eventually we will convince out hearts and minds that we are happy and one day it will be true...It will be true because we will have made the effort to create a beautiful life full of happiness, full of joy and that will be our reality. We won't have to convince ourselves anymore...because it will be true.