This is my true, traumatic, disturbing, unbelievable, heart wrenching .... and transforming story.

Deep breath. God be with me! I'm going to look at it. I'm going to face the trauma. I feel like I'm taking the double black run in grieving. I'm going to face the traumatic grief. I've come to realize that sharing my grief is like a therapeutic massage. It really hurts but somehow feels good at the same time. In the end..there is change, there is relief, there is healing.

I've noticed a pattern in my blogging. What I notice is that it begins with my head spinning with thoughts, tangled in emotions. My mind attempts mental gymnastics to bring understanding to the mental storm, Writing helps. It organizes my thoughts...it brings my emotions full circle. I can start a blog in sobbing tears and end with a smile on my face and new hope. I receive two rewards when I blog. First of all, I feel a release, I often find meaning that brings me to acceptance and then somehow I feel like I can put that file behind me and move on to the next. Secondly, I hope and know that I somehow affect others world view and through my experience bring understanding to their lives.

I feel like I'm at the top of a double black run. My heart is beating....but I want to do it. I know I can use this anxiety to make mind sharper, more reactive, I can use it to make my body respond faster. I know that if  I can use it, then the anxiety can transform into exhilaration. So I'm going to do this.

At the funeral I used this principle of using anxiety to make you better. I remember thinking....I can't feel my legs, my heart was beating so fast....I remember thinking....there is so many people here. People who love Gord. I thought...I want to do this for Gord, I want to do this for every person who loves Gord. I want to be a light in the darkness. I thought this isn't about me. It's about Gord, everyone who knew Gord. I have experience with performing and public speaking. I do get nervous...but I have learned how to feed off the adrenaline. This was intense though. It was an unusual experience. After the first sentence I knew I could do it. I don't ever remember feeling that strong before. I could take my time, I could make it real. I could be real.

I'm going to use this principle now and I'm inviting God to embark with me as I write what I witnessed the night Gord died.

Yesterday Danny had a field trip to the Fire station, unexpectedly the first 1/2 hour was a focus on emergency vehicles . I felt an immediate change in my body. I knew why. I wanted to deny it. I looked at Danny, I could tell by his calm, content nature he was not having the same response. I put my energies into Noah. I felt off the rest of the day.

I had already imagined this could happen. But this was not how I imagined it. Gord use to come home late sometimes. It was hard on me. I know most moms will relate. We look so forward to that change in our day. Also I would worry. I finally requested that Gord keep me posted when we was going to be late because my mind would go to that place,..where your imagination can see and  visualize the worst. I had already had the thought, " I don't know how I would ever live with out my husband."

Gord had been struggling with his health for about 6 months. He  was falling asleep everywhere. He became very interested in sleep and got something to help with snoring. He tried to research sleepiness. We thought maybe it was stress. He applied for a different job. He went to the doctor. He ran tests. The doctor suggested weight loss and exercise.

On October 2nd Gord was beginning Cross fit. He had expressed to me the day prior he was feeling nervous about the workout because he heard many people got sick their first workout. Our hair dresser said she vomited after many workouts. But it wasn't like Gord to be deterred. He liked intense. He loved fast results. We had previously done P90, and he was pumped once he decided to make the commitment. But that day we was nervous.

His final day was a good day for him. I remember chatting with him in the afternoon while he was at work. We were always brainstorming ways to increase his happiness in his outside life because for some reason work just wasn't doing it for him.I think now, a large part of the problem was he wasn't feeling well. Anyways I had come up with a few ideas he seemed excited about...Also possibilities were unfolding, he was excited.

That night at supper nothing seemed unusual to me. Gord took interest in the kids and my day. I had made chicken pot pie from scratch. A rare thing for me. Gord really enjoyed it. The kids barely touched it. After supper Gord got prepped for his work out, he was off.

I went to clean the kitchen and what struck me was how many pieces were still there. Gord had only had one piece. Unheard of. But I thought.... maybe he wanted to have a light supper before his workout and eat more after.

Everything in town is just minutes away, He should have been home shortly after 7:00 pm. I knew he had some friends there so I anticipated he would be a bit longer...but by 7:20 I started to wonder. He finally came through the door. I can picture him, He used both arms on the railing to carry him up the stairs. He said, " I have never felt so bad in my entire life."

He sat on the couch.I asked if he was ok, he said he felt so weak. I offered to get him some water. Out of character he snapped at me and replied. " I've been drinking water and resting for the past 1/2 hour, nothing is working."

I got him water anyways. Noah was playing at the coffee table, He came and swiped Gord's water. Typical toddler! Gord told me, " Jen, I didn't even do anything..all I did was a squat."

I felt confused....

I remember there was something about his eyes...he looked like could start balling or like he was scared to death.

I went to the kitchen to get him another water. I remember thinking...he probably needs electrolytes. I was trying to remember where the P90 electrolyte drinks were. I was pouring water.

I heard this boom, boom, boom...it sounded like quick heavy stomping. I thought he is running to bathroom to vomit. Then I heard loud, intense heaving. Before I had any other thought I was dialing 911. The dispatcher asked me for my information. I was screaming. She asked me to give it to her again. I said it slower and screamed louder. She asked me to say it again. I became angry. I wanted to be with Gord. She should have gotten the info the first time.

Meanwhile Gord had gone from his entire body heaving and convulsing to collapsing into a snore then back to a heave...a break..fell to a snore...to quiet...to a heave..a snore...quiet......

The dispatcher asked me to turn him onto his back. His eyes were half open..not moving...one was bulging out. He had a large bump and bruise on his head. I knew...

I sent a text to my mom, " Pray, Gord has had a heart attack."

I fell to my knees and prayed

Time moved so slowly

The paramedics finally arrived. I looked out the window. They were slowly getting out. I ran out screaming. He has stopped breathing. Hurry, hurry... They acted like they couldn't hear me. I yelled louder.

Meanwhile, two neighbors were visiting next door at the end of their driveway. They told me days after that when the paramedics pulled up the paramedics were moving so slowly that my neighbors assumed nothing serious had happened, until of course I came out screaming.

He was covered in machines. They were using a defibrillator. A lady I didn't recognize pulled me out of the living room and suggested I pray in the kitchen. She was so calm.

Danny came up the stairs. I went from hysterical wife to mom. I remembered...I have children.

I picked up Danny and Noah and rushed them down the stairs. Then I remembered they can walk. I told Danny to put on his boots. It was raining....

Danny said, "Is dad dead?"

I said, " Oh Danny", as if he had just said something silly.

My neighbor came to me, she grabbed the boys and told me she had them, to not worry about them but to be with Gord. I went and grabbed their stuffed animals and told her their bed time.

I went back inside. They were starting to get him ready for the hospital. The lady inside suggested we go wait outside. She offered to bring me to the hospital.

In the car she told me, " You don't have to say anything...If you want to talk, I want to listen...but no matter what I am not leaving you." She was my angel in my darkest hour.

When I arrived I thought I should tell people. I couldn't remember how to use my phone. I just stared. The lady helped me to use it. I sent texts to some friends and family. The phone began to ring.

My mom began by reminding me my grandpa had had 4 heart attacks and was still alive and turning 90.

My father in law reminded me he had a heart attack 2 years prior and survived.

My brother who is a fire fighter said I had done everything right. The paramedics were there within minutes, he was at the hospital in 20 minutes, he is only 36....he is going to be ok.

But I knew....

My brother who had spent years in the seminary offered to pray with me. As I closed my eyes I saw a vision of Gord in a bed and it was rising. My entire being said no.... Then Chris began to pray...it grounded me. Then again I saw the same vision...I thought no and I heard...let go. I began to cry.

My mother in law called...she is a nurse. She told me I just need to find out what is happening. No one was at the desk. I remember thinking....I've been here for a while. Maybe 1/2 hour, I remember thinking maybe he is alive. I don't think they would work on him that long if he was dead.

My doctor appeared out of a surgery room, he was Gord's doctor, he was our age, he had three little kids too. He was married. His eyes were red, he put his arm around me and softly said," I'm sorry Jen, Gord died."

Immediately my feet fell out from under me. I collapsed to the floor. I have never felt like this before. Everything stopped. I thought nothing and felt like I was warping to another world. My whole body felt like a balloon. I felt like I wasn't there. I was processing nothing. After what felt like minutes I came to and saw my doctor, my neighbor, nurses crying...some sobbing.

They finally brought me to one of the emergency rooms. I contacted a few friends. They were there in seconds. My doctor strongly encouraged me to go and physically say good bye to Gord.

Say good-bye! I remember thinking...I've never done this before. Say good bye minutes after he died.....

My friends, who I am so grateful to, accompanied me into the room where Gord was. My priest was also contacted and began with a prayer. That brought me so much comfort and grounded me.

He excused himself immediately following the prayer and gave his condolences.

I sat in a chair, directly across from his face. It was not scary, it was not weird.

I touched him, he was already cold.

And for the first time in my life I fully understood eternal life. I knew with my entire being that although his body was in fact completely dead.....I knew without any possible doubt he was forever alive. I felt him hold me. I felt him all around me. I've been told that in the first hours after someone passes they are often still very present. I felt his presence, I felt his life. Life continues....

I also remember thinking...I should say something...

Looking at him I knew I didn't have to. I knew he knew I loved him, I knew he loved me. We had nothing unresolved, no secrets. I felt peace! I hugged him, I kissed him I said good bye. I sat there for minutes after and just cherished his presence, his body...his life.

So why? Gord was only 36. I did everything I could. Nothing worked!

Days after Gord died I talked to one of Gord's best friends Phil. He has had his fair share of loss and he had words of wisdom.

My mind was spinning, what happened?, How could  it have been prevented? Why? Why Gord? Why me?

Phil simply said," Jen, it doesn't matter why, you don't need to know why, sometimes people die."

 I thought...this is something Gord would say.

The spinning stopped. 

I've come to grim realization that we have no power in how long we live. We can take good care of ourselves and we should be responsible...but sometimes it is unpreventable. Even if it is preventable sometimes life just happens. Not everybody lives to be 85.

Gord was designed to die at 36. Statistically it is rare to die from a heart attack at 36. But from being married to an engineer I've come to understand there is always that rare statistic. Gord died from a arthroscrolatic heart disease. Lay terms, he had a plaque build up in his arteries that did not show up in lab results. His lab results in fact showed he was perfectly healthy. This type of heart attack could of happened if he was 50 lbs lighter and an athlete. It was genetic. If he had been healthier he may of had a few more years. But his body was designed to die young.

Is this ok...can any good come from this..is there a greater purpose...a greater good???

Let's see.

I have talked to many, many people who shared that they appreciate their lives more, appreciate their loved ones more, appreciate their marriages more. I know many people who say they have changed their priorities. They have more quality time with their families. Couples are going on date nights, they are appreciating each other. Because of Gord's death people tell me they now embrace the moment. Some even pray more.

Gord's life...Gord's legacy has brought more goodness to this world, more life... more joy.

It's sad...we miss him.

This was traumatic...this has disrupted my being to the core. But I believe that the Lord was able to trust me with this experience, that I can cope with it, grow from it and learn how to thrive despite it. I hope to use this experience wisely so others may learn, grow an heal as well.

I pray others don't have to endure a tragedy like this. 

For myself, it has happened, I will accept it... and I will move forward with this experience and hopefully in the end, if I can have any say I will be a better, stronger person.