The Long Range Plan

My little man is already a long range planner.

This morning as the boys and I were waking with the sunrise. They entertained me with their silly ways as I sipped my coffee. Danny slid in for a hug...looked up at me and stated.

" Mom, did you know that you are going to be alone when you are a grandma?"

I signed...wow, he is already thinking about what my life will like when my boys are grown up. I assured him, " Don't you think maybe mommy might have another husband by the time she is grandma?!, And don't you think I will be OK, even if I am alone? I am getting better at having fun by myself."

Danny looked at me with disbelief. His face showed he did not have confidence in me being happy alone.

He replied, " Well, I guess you could get another husband...but maybe I should marry you!"

Protective...I think so!

I explained to Danny, that although I think he will make a wonderful husband one day, that sons don't marry their mothers. And sometime waaaay in the future he will marry someone closer to his age.

Shrugging his shoulders, he stated, " Well...I guess you should get married then."

Following up with a question, " Can I come to your wedding when I am 7?I hear they are really fun!"

With a grin I answered, " Of course you will be at my wedding but we can't set a date yet."

He looked confused.

I explained to Danny that I will need to meet someone, date them, get to know them, we will have to fall in love. I told this man will need to be super special and he will need to love Danny and Noah too.

Danny exclaimed, " You are right, he will have to be super special.... for you."

My 5 year old is teaching me about self worth... awesome!

He closed the conversation with, " That is a great plan!", and skipped off to play.

I have often questioned my own desire to remarry. I have wondered if I am confused about what is really important. After my little chat with my loving and protective son I realized that I am not confused...I am human.

It has stunned me that my little boy can already think so far into the future. It feels my soul to think he cares so deeply about me. His ability to read into the future and make plans reminds me of someone I know.

His brave little soul wants his mom happy today and tomorrow. I think I still need to find more ways to be happy today. I need to find more satisfaction and contentment with spending time alone. Personally, relative to before Gord's death I have never been so good at spending time alone. And there are many times I really enjoy it, even need it. My internal world has expanded...I have to spend time with my mind. I like to day dream ,let my mind wander. That is where my healing lies. It is in the aha moments, when I'm not trying to think at all. I have found activities that I look forward to. Writing, music, favorite shows and movies. I love reading.

 But somehow, I'm not there yet, I'm not always happy when I'm alone and my boys know it. Always is a bit ambitious, but it should be often enough that my boys believe I am secure alone.I want my boys to feel secure. I want them to believe I feel secure.

Danny does seem to know his mom well. I like people, I like conversation, I like to feel secure, I like to feel loved. I loved being married. But in the meantime...I need to make my island beautiful.

I will also let my little prince continue to remind me of my self worth...for their sake...and mine!

We have a long range plan in place now...all I have to do now is focus on the day to day so I can build a beautiful future.