You are worth every tear....

It’s been too long... since I’ve seen you, your smile, since I’ve heard your laugh or felt your embrace. I have often felt lost in this world without you. This journey, this road...these mountains...these waves of grief have been challenging, rewarding, horrible and enlightening. It is an adventure I that was beyond my comprehension. However, I’ve made it this far, I’m here writing you a letter on our anniversary...telling the story.

If you were here, the conversations we would’ve had about death, grief, and after life. I can only imagine how far you would have researched...how much you would teach me. But I have learned. I did research. I have talked to councillors and I have recorded many thoughts and emotions. Many answers are found in me...I found them in quiet moments, I found them in tears, and sometimes they have unleashed as a storm brewed in mind. I often wonder what you would think of my writing.

I have survived. Still till this day; each day I step, I can’t see in front of me. I still feel like I’m walking in the dark. But I’m learning how to live with new eyes. I’m learning how to live in the moment. Really embrace the now. The smallest things arouse my senses. Last week I enjoyed a raisin toast like I was experiencing something for the first time. I forgot how good it is. Some days I wake up and I am astonished that I’m still alive because the night before I wasn’t sure my spirit could survive the heart ache. Sometimes the pain is more about the transition than the grief. Creating a world without you is like trying to walk without legs. You were my better half. How do I live without you?

I conquered so many firsts. There have been so many first holidays and so many firsts as a traumatized grieving widow. I go out all the time now, with the kids and also I’ve had many nights of adult time. I have started back at work. I have been snowboarding many times and have gone back to taekwondo. Every step I take towards building a new life...builds my confidence.

I’m so grateful that you loved me. What a gift! I can’t get over how fortunate I was, to have had such a wonderful person compliment my life. We were such a natural fit...so comfortable. Our marriage really was quite extraordinary. We shared so many of the same interests, we were bonded, and we communicated regularly and shared so many of the same values. We found the marriage formula that worked for us. In so many ways are personalities were different...but we seemed to appreciate eachothers differences. It was like together we were given a fuller picture. You were so rational, objective and practical; I was intuitive and experienced the world emotionally. You saw things at face value and I read between the lines. Together we could cover all the angles. You grounded me in my stress; I was able to pull you out of your shell when you wanted to withdraw. We really worked! We both really wanted it to work.

I’m just so grateful. Thank you for teaching me how to problem solve, to be independent and use reason with my heart. Your influence hasn’t only made this trip bearable it has helped to me persevere and at times thrive. Many people experience guilt or shame when they start to enjoy life again. I have never had to cope with those feelings when I am happy. Every day all you ever wanted for your boys and I was to be happy. So thank you...by your nature you have given us all permission to put all our energies towards striving towards a good life.

I want to honor you Gord. Thankfully there is not too much pressure to please. You were very easy to please. You were one of the most low maintenance people I ever knew. It was a high compliment to me that you wanted to be with me...because you could be totally content all on your own...but you loved me, you wanted to be with me...

Honestly Gord, you made my world shine. I’m still looking for the light. I find it all the time. Often when I least expect it. I’m really learning I don’t have much power on this journey...but I’m finding out that I have enough strength to endure the storms. My world is dimmer without you. You were my sunshine, my stars...my light.

Slowly a new relationship with you is forming. In the beginning I use to search for you, wait for you. Sometimes...you would come. I have finally found you...I know where you live. You have made a home in my heart. Now I find you daily, you are deeply woven into my soul. You were so constant, so consistent...such a rock that now... I can quickly remember all that have you said, all that you have taught me, all the ways, that you have loved me. We had great communication and I’m never been left wondering what you would think. I’m beginning to remember that you affirmed me every day. Just by your good nature, I knew I was loved. I go to you; I remember you, and sometimes instead of experiencing feelings of grief...I often just feel close to you. I still feel so loved by you.

You have left me with so many positive messages in my mind. Daily you affirmed me as a person, as a parent, as a lover. You made me feel like I was an intelligent, kind and loving wife and mother.  You made me feel like I could take on challenges...like I was capable. You believed in me. You challenged me. I’m so grateful you pushed me to be independent.  You challenged me to be responsible for my own happiness...for my own feelings. You taught me to solve my own problems and create my own life. Sometimes I really think you knew...that you were leaving us early. It seems like you were trying to prepare me...to be on my own....I can hear you...everyday now, even when I fall, make mistakes...I know you...I know you would listen and encourage me and validate me. You always believed in the best of me. You always made me feel accepted and loved.

 People have challenged me that perhaps there were times I felt lonely in our marriage. I do remember when you had to work evenings and weekend’s years ago, it was harder on our relationship. However, the past few years you were home at 5 and weekends and the boys and I enjoyed every moment we could be with you. You really were my best friend...what an amazing 9 years to be able to have this every day. I’m so social, I really loved to have this available to me all the time. I was so spoiled!

You have left me with a very high opinion of marriage and a very high opinion of men. I look at the world around me, and although I know that my dreams can be shattered in a second...I still feel like the world is a good place and that I can still trust in life, in myself, in others. I can still dream. This is because of you, because you were so good to me. You made my world so good.

You weren’t only good to me. Everyone loved you Gord. I have a feeling you already know that. I loved your quiet confidence. I miss that so much, but I see it in your boys every day.  They are so much like you...and they are so good to me...the same way you treated me. They have your nature and disposition; they look like you and enjoy many of the same interests. They are so your boys and I get to enjoy your presence in them every day. You were one of the best dads I ever knew. I’m still so heartbroken for our boys. It is just such a great loss. You were self-sacrificing...you figured out that making your family happy was the key to your happiness. I am really learning that making others happy and giving to others really gives life value and purpose.

This experience has left many gifts along the way. I have had enlightenment, clarity and understanding.  I have new wisdom to live by; that I often live by....because my spirit knows it is true. I’ve have learned to embrace today...because the moment is our only guarantee. I appreciate the little things in the everyday and I don’t concern myself with the small things. I have discovered my true priorities. I have learned how to push through storms, smile in the darkness and dance in the rain.  I have learned to laugh it off, cry when I need to and sometimes scream into my pillow. I’ve learned to challenged myself to be grateful in all things...especially trials... they hold great gifts. I’ve learned the value of self-care...the value in caring and loving me...even if I feel like I’m less...my true dignity is never compromised. I’ve learned that less is sometimes better...keeping it simple... Sometimes, I’ve learned to appreciate the quiet, solitude! It’s new for me...but it is amazing. I’m like a totally new person!

Through this process I’ve really strived to be happy. I believed it is what is best for our family and I believe that is all you ever wanted. I was often able to achieve this. I now find contentment and satisfaction in life every day. I’ve learned how to make the best of this life. There are many times now I love my life again, love my world again...love myself again.

But lately, honestly... the process has changed. I’ve been fighting it...but the process is winning.  If anybody would appreciate process...it would be you. It’s a time of deep sadness.

I’ve been finding myself wallowing, crying out....desperately begging God to save me from my sorrow. The well has opened...and it just flows. I crave comfort, I beg for comfort.  I was striving for happiness...but now I am devastated. I cry out for you all the time now and I cry out for the loss of my good life and cry out because life today still has so many challenges...that are so hard to confront without you.

Losing you has been the saddest thing that has ever happened to me and I am devastated.  I’m sorry Gord, but losing you is simply the hardest loss I’ve had to endure. I will find happiness again; but for now I miss you. I miss the everyday drinking coffee, chats on the phone when you were at work, drinking wine while we watched the boys. I miss the fun, the skiing, bike rides, beaches and times at the cabin. I miss margaritas and inside jokes. I miss your song creations, your little dances...your love for music, knowledge and faith. I miss our nights... date nights, concerts and music festivals.  I miss you enthusiasm, your desire for fun. I miss deep, stimulating...always fascinating conversations. I miss being called Jenny bear. I miss your coy smile when I was upset...Now Noah does that...it works every time.

What I still miss the most, almost every single day is our evenings together when the boys are in bed. There is no activity that brings back that feeling of security and love I found with you.  I’m so sad to lose all this forever. I’m devastated that my boys have lost the best dad I ever knew and I’m heartbroken that I’ve lost the best love I ever knew.

I miss your calm nature. Your presence alone...so relaxed and laid back...brought my world so much grounding. You were so stable, so secure...so not phased by life. I loved your positive yet realistic attitude.  Your world view was refreshing. I loved how you could just discuss anything, from any angle. You were never afraid to look at both sides objectively.

I loved your passion. You had passion for your work, your family, your friends and your play. You lived life as if you knew wouldn’t last ....and now there are so many of us that try to remember how you lived your life...because we all know you had it figured out. You died a fulfilled, happy man. You were good, you were always striving for the best in your life. It has been such a privilege just to know you.

You were amazing parent. It’s challenging being a single parent, it is still rewarding...it definitely is lacking without you. It’s hard always just coming home the 3 of us. I really miss sharing this all with you.

You really did so much, supported us in so many ways. Every day I take on new challenges and discover there was so much you did I never took the time to notice. I just want to say I’ve noticed and thank you.

I am finding myself again and I’m content with who I have discovered. It helps me to be content remembering how much you loved me. My world still inspires me all the time...but for right now...I’m not satisfied without you. You are just too amazing to be happy right now. We were such a great match, such a great fit. We had a dream team marriage that was supposed to last much longer. I lost it all, I am full of sorrow and you are worth every tear.

I feel a real tension in my gut right now. In some ways I feel like I am holding on to you again...but I think  the tension....is knowing I still have to eventually let go. I need to in some ways let go...I need to still live in my world...and continue to build a new world. And only when I can let you live quietly in my soul and be the master of my own soul, lead my own way will I really be able to fully live. I’m not ready to be on own yet...so I’m holding on for now.

Months ago, as I confessed to my councilor my dismay about the grief experience, the disappointment of my Iife, the loss of my love... she challenged me.

“Someday you will look back on all of this and you will see it as being good!”

Really !!!???

There has been days where I have found clarity and could see goodness in this. I can’t see it right now...but I do believe in it. I believe in hope. I believe that there can always be a greater good.

I’m afraid this anniversary isn’t so happy this year. How can I spend it with you? How can I spend it without you on earth? In some ways for the first time it makes perfect sense to me why I am so upset. I will still find a way to smile today...but the truth is...you are much too wonderful, I love you much too deeply, our marriage was too special to really be happy today. Today I’m giving myself permission to experience sadness as deep as my soul wants to go....

But... I will still make room for joy! My humanness has to mourn you but my spirit knows that our love is for eternity...and that gives me great joy and reason to celebrate.

 It’s a great pleasure to remember you, to love you, to cherish you.

I love you